Feb  7^th   2011                              Blog #13   Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania

  Forgive my indulgence today but I need to write my blog for my daughter Abby. She gave me a journal for Christmas and asked me to write to her in it. Sounds wonderful right! However being the non-writer that I am, this is a very hard feat to ask. Perhaps that is why she asked… I think she is thinking that when I am gone she will be able to look back on my words. A wonderful thought… but oh so not me…lol… make a meal, let her friend live with us, paint her a picture, make her some pottery, drive her, pick her up, fight an army for her… any of these I can do! But write everyday seems such a monstrous task. So, not wanting to completely avoid her request, I have decided that I am going to write to her today. I plan on printing out this blog once we are done our year, and give her that! So today is dedicated to Miss Abigail!

                  Oh what a mother dreams for her child...  Is it possible to gather all the thoughts one has for their daughter and put them all together, in one itty bitty page? I think not. Abby if you were to go to your favorite beach and scoop up a handful of sand, that would be like my thoughts for you. Each little particle would represent my thoughts of love towards you.

          I love your tenacity! Your fighter instinct… to grab on to life and not let go. I love your passion and your determination when you set your mind on something. You have a beautiful compassionate heart. You earnestly seek to please the Lord in your actions & lifestyle which is so commendable especially for a teenager.

          My hopes for you are that above all, you will be true to the calling in your heart… God has placed within you wonderful plans and all the gifts and talents you will need to fulfill those plans. What you lack or struggle with, he will give to you through someone else. His greatest gift to me has been the gift of others who have poured their life into mine! Be open to receive all that He has for you.

Another hope I have for you is not to doubt who you are and what you can do. Don’t take yourself out of the race before it has even begun. “Be of good courage”! Believe that with God, ALL things are possible to them who BELIEVE! Remember that home IS where your heart and family are! It is not a location but a place of contentment with those whom you love. Take time to enjoy life. Play, laugh, smile, make things and do things that bring joy to your heart and to others hearts. Work is wonderful and fulfilling but it is not everything. Love is everything! Love covers a multitude of sins. Love forgives and love inspires! Be great not because of what you do but because of who you are! Character always counts more than accomplishments. Character is the accomplishment. Remember that beauty comes from your spirit. You are only as beautiful as the most spiritual part of you. It is wonderful to look good and feel good, and take care of yourself for sure! But wisdom gained will help you far greater than looks. Finally, keep cooking J It is a gift in our family that has been passed down for generations. Through the gift of your hands you will be able to create memories and moments for all the years you have. Family and friends and even the stranger, will be blessed by the food and hospitality that God has gifted you with. Isn’t it wonderful that the Abigail in the Bible was known to be as wise as she was beautiful, and was loved by the King for her hospitality and wisdom. Forget the lousy husband part. In those days women had no choice who they could marry, but let it serve as a warning to be careful who to give your heart to. May only the one God has chosen for you, find a home within.

These are my deepest thoughts and prayers for you Abigail! I love you so much and I’m so proud of you already!

With all my love, mom J

the view from here.

this is the view out of the car window today.

it's a gray, heavy, dark afternoon

the house is quiet....gideon and i are home.

and he doesn't talk alot.

i don't talk alot either these days.

i am trying harder to listen. to hear, not only the voices of those close to me,

but also the voices that i have silenced for a while.

the kind loving voices. the ones that build me up and remind me

of who i am. of where my value comes from. of my worth.

the voice that speak truth.

sometimes, i think we surround ourselves with so much noise, so many

voices, that we drown out the ones that only speak up when we stop to listen.

the house is quiet today so i can stop and listen

it isn't easy though. the loud, insistent voices that are well practiced at speaking

take up room in my heart and head quickly.

about silly things...meaningless jabs...seemingly unimportant comments

such as,

"wow! that quality paint is really expensive. you don't want to waste money on that, your art isn't that important, just keep using the dollar store brand."

seriously,

not life changing,

but also,

not words that build me up, edify me, remind me of my worth, my truth.

the truth of the situation is this.

i am worth investing in.

i am worth working on.

i am worth a $12 tube of paint

or the voices might remind me,

you should be doing this...you must be doing that...why aren't you being more this? there is so much to do!

and sometimes this is true.

that is where the balance comes in.

today, the shoulds and musts and mores

are not necessary.

it is a day of rest, of connection,of worship, of renewal, of fellowship

but that isn't what i am hearing.

i wonder what stops us from listening to the real voice.

what stands between us and the promises given to us?

and why do we continue to turn an ear to the

words that we are not meant to listen to.

i think we need to help each other.

remind each other of what is good and true.

i need to say to those around me

you are amazing! because really who isn't?

   you are a blessing! because really who isn't?

there is always a gift to find.

i think we need to stand up to the voices that want to

drown out the truth and say,

no. no. no.

please stop talking to me now.

i am listening elsewhere.

don't interupt!

most likely i will have to be firm about this at first.

put on my don't mess with tania voice,

(i am told i have one and it is very effective!)

and put those damaging,negative, doubting voices

out.

i am sending them out.

and replacing them with

the positive, trusting, loving voices instead.

that is my goal this week.

i will let you know how it goes.

the view from here

is always changing.

wishing for sun tomorrow.

                                    



Feb  5^th   2011                               Blog #13   Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania

                  Today I have decided that my blog is going to be about all the things I love… in no particular order

                                                                                                                 My family

Art                     Theater

   People            Granville Island         riding horses

Puppies             Ice cream – Chocolate of course

   Lighthouse Christian Academy   Church                            Teaching

   Worship & dancing

                                        Schnitzel                     Sweaters                    snow

My mothers soup and when she makes me my birthday cake

Memories of days gone by

 The black Forest – Restaurant in Hamilton

                    Mentors in my life!     Tea Cups

    God’s Grace  DC Talk, 3^rd Day, Switchfoot & Jan Arden

The creek down the road in Muir… my happy spot I go to

                 Willow Trees

     Blue Herons & Giraffes… oh and Penguins!

The ever growing amount of old & new friends I have been blessed to know

A good movie

                Fall… when leaves fall off the trees in vivid colours

Music                  Directing Plays… especially with my family & friends

important right now.

February 4, 2o11
Dear Suzy,
i have decided when i blog on friday i am going to summarize what is important right now to me...that way there will be a remembering. sometimes, life gets so busy i forget the lessons that i am learning each and every day. i am going to call it "important right now". maybe on your fridays you would like to do the same?

encouragement is easy- speak it often

Carter's fierce neck hugs of love rock! Don't tell me autism and love can't go together!

Chocolate can help. even for breakfast. with tea

fear gets in the way SO often

reading is life changing

i want to learn to write more beautifully (and stop using mixed metaphores like seed and neon sign)

i want to understand colour more fully

i want to plant my veggies NOW but must be patient

asking hard questions is OK

what i am doing matters

Honouring feelings is a step in the right direction

God has enormous shoulders and nothing is too big!

Taking care of myself allows me to take care of others. NOT the other way around

dinner out is good. so good.

(especially if you are eating tapas with your favorite person.)

have an amazing weekend Suzy.

 i love you.

tania

ps...you are remarkable to me!

Feb  3^rd  2011             Blog #13   Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania

                  Good Blog yesterday Tania. Time is something we battle for balance. I think at the end of our lives no matter how young or old we die, it will be how we used our time that haunt or bless us the most as we transcend this life to the next. I think the easiest way of knowing whether or not we are using or squandering our time would be to break it up into percentages. For example if 24 = 100% ,  then working 8 hours =  33% of our day! Sleeping (8 hours) = another 33 %. This leaves us with 33% or 8 hours to do other things. How much of that time do we want to devote to computer, facebook etc. Assuming that 10% of our 24 hours perhaps should be devoted to God (based on the tithing 10%) then that would mean that 2.4 hours in our day should be in the pursuit of God… What does that look like? How do we accomplish that? Does that include prayer and reading the Bible only? While it certainly should include those it perhaps is also devoted to encouraging others, helping others, sharing with others…etc. In fact I would say that understanding one’s ‘spiritual gifts’ would definitely come into play here. What is your spiritual gift Tania? And how do you use that? What outlets have you allowed yourself to be available to, in order to use your gifts? Gifts are for the building up of the body and the spiritual growth of the individual.

Of course as Christians, we must look to God for our center

but again what does that look like? Is just believing enough? Is just reading the bible enough? For me, I need to hear Gods word in order to be balanced. In order to be a doer of his word. I need his perspective daily because I know that my perspective will be swayed by society, friends etc... even the things I hate! So I hear his word on Sundays but I try as often as I can to listen to other teachings as well from people I believe are God centered. For example Chuck Swindoll, in the past David Manise, and intermittently Steve Brown (great sense of humour) and James Dobson. Through the preaching and teaching of God I am being exhorted and encouraged in my walk. The great part is that all of these are available online. So while I’m doing dishes I put on Swindoll. While I’m cleaning I’m listening to Focus on the family. So I am easily getting my 2.4 hours per day. Now how much of my 24 hours are my own leisure. 10% seems reasonable don’t you think? That’s another 2.4 hours! Again all the same questions occur. What does that look like? Who does that include? Take 4.8 hours from my original 8 hours I had left (after sleep & work) and I’ve only got 3.2 hours left for the business of my day. It might be larger if I overlap some things like listening and cleaning for example. 

      So why break it down like this?       Why go to weight watchers?       What does weight Watchers really do for us?

This week I had my physical with my new Dr. She said to me Suzanne you are in good shape. Internally everything looks good. You have good health except for a few areas that are probably related to 1 problem. Your are way over weight! You need to lose it or you will lose your health. Then she suggested I consider a weight program like weight watchers… why? Because the benefit of WW is that is makes you mindful/aware of what you are consuming! MAKES ME AWARE….  That is what church should do… that is what accountability between friends should do…. It’s what WW does. It makes us aware. So I break this ‘time’ thing down to make us aware. It about more than just ‘am I on facebook to much’… it’s about being more aware of all my time and where it’s going. Then my leisure time, when in balance,  can be used guilt free for whatever I want! 

These are my thoughts today… Tania.

balancing my online presence..

January 2, 2011

yay! 2 days in a row for me! Thanks for letting me blog today...and i am looking forward to your post tomorrow. i hope the moving went well with Barry and Hannah and had moments of laughter and wonder and not all heavy lifting and groaning about where everything would fit...moving is such hard work!

I actually wrote this post this morning in my journal, sitting in the sun, because I really am looking forward to your response and thoughts to my current balancing act....so here it is,

Dear Suzy,
Being I am endeavoring to bring balance into my life i am not suprised to discover that while one or two areas are balancing much better (yay me!) other areas continue to be, well, off kilter. i am having this small, niggling, intuitive seed developing and at any moment, unless i listen now, it is going to evolve into a neon sign, flashing gaudy colours at me to try and get my attention.
       i am spending way too much time on the computer.   facebook.blogs.facebook.more blogs.facebook.facebook.blogs.
                             you get the picture i am sure.
the justifications are fast and easy, they pour out of my pen onto the paper...i work alone and the online community keeps me connected...there is such beauty, poetry, encouragement and inspiration in the blogs i follow....it only takes a few moments here and there out of my day after all....and the cincher for me...i can help people this way!
here is what i figure...there needs to be a quick check with myself (again..geez this self development requires alot of check ins) such as have i spent time connecting with myself? have i spent time with real, live in the flesh individuals, have i created for myself or am i satisfying myself with the creativeness of others, stifling my own creativity in the process?

what is reasonable? what is realistic? what is balanced? what amount of time is acceptable for me at this time in my life? what role is my facebook/blog stalking playing in my life right now? is it helping me or hindering me? are parts of my daily internet practices sustaining my growth and development? are parts of my internet use reinforcing my less that positive taniaisms that i am trying to diminish?
and is all this just too much self reflection? who really cares?

i do

i care

because part of my balancing work

is listening

to the still, small voice

and it is whispering

so i am

 listening

 questioning

and searching for

right answers.

Balanced answers.

Suzy, could you please check in with me, in a few days for my answers. i will want to bounce them around i think. i appreciate that we can throw our progress out there and support each other...

a confession

this is the old me. a few summers ago, at my favorite place.

the beach.

with my family and an extra or two.

always an extra or two.

we prefer it that way i think.

you do too i have noticed.

it has been a month since i have been

publicly unveiling the

new me....i know that i 

am always being

"made new" but it is

strange doing it so publicly,

openly, with vulnerability.

i feel nervousness creeping in.

fear.

old hurts

wounds of past unkind acts

upon me

by others and some

self inflicted.

last night owen and i sat and pondered

fear and change

and the hard decisions that must be made

in order to truly grow and become whole.

and i spoke the truth that i am learning

i need my words, my actions and my life

to be congruent with one another.

i need to love myself enough

to honour myself enough

to believe in myself enough

to be one with my words,

written

and spoken

i felt passionate

about saying that is what i

desire.

and then,

sadness and fear

reared their heads

and i remembered

that i still have

so

much work

to do.