what if...

 

what if you just try something new...

like finding silly animals in sidewalk crack photographs

like i did above.

he's not the greatest elephant ever but it was so fun

to find him.

 

what if even though i don't like painted fingernails

i leave them and then proceed to spend the afternoon in the garden

digging around in the dirt, wearing rings and not even caring if i had gloves.

can i just say,

 there is something a little bit bad ass

about gardening

 with rings and painted fingernails.

 

what if,

instead of ignoring the lemon balm that grows with wild abandon,

i decide to take a bunch of it home

and research it and discover that is is really quite something

(amazing it would appear)

and i should, you should, we all should be drinking it.

so i am.

and if you want some, tell me and i will bring you a bundle.

 

and what if i decided to act on my dreams

that wake me up,

and instead of pretending they don't mean anything much at all,

i decide that they do,

and i send a hello to everyone that visited me in them,

saying

"hey! you showed up in my dreams. i am thinking about you"

it was a letter writing morning as a result,

and that is always a good thing.

 

what if

just for fun, just to see what might happen,

i set up a flower cart today and decide to fill it for the weekend.

well, i did.

and i am going to fill it for Saturday and Sunday.

just because.

 

what if i decided to keep a pet chicken for a week.

i did.

you saw him i am sure

in some of my photos.

i loved that little chicken as much as one can love a chicken

before they become all chicken like on you

and need to go..

he is gone.

this is not a bad thing.

it was fun though,

 having a chicken cuddled up in my arms for a while.

(and weird, very weird at moments)

 

what if i used these distractions,

 these "noticings",

 these "what if's"

and these

"simply happy"

choices

 as a way of staving off the loneliness

, the worry, the unknown,

to push back at

the gremlins that keep me awake at night?

 

i do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

simply happy

 

garden flowers make me happy.

growing them, picking them, arranging them..

allowing them to arrange themselves,

happy.

vegetables, not so much

i am realizing.

 

here's the thing.

i am far enough along in my life now to recognize some themes

and being i am far enough along in my life that i can be pretty sure i am half way done,

i best be surrounding myself with happy whenever i get the chance, right?

 

what am i waiting for?

i have been thinking about the simple state of happy.

and this is what works for me...

 

i am happy when i paint my toenails.

not my fingernails though, not ever.

i did tonight, for some photos tomorrow and it just feels

so, not me.

but my toes are happy!

 

 

i love art

and i am happiest in the presence of  children's work.

 

 

like this one.

i adore this self portrait!

just look at those ears.

 

more about the flowers make me happy realization.

here is the thing.

growing vegetables is the right thing to do

(for me)

 and while it satisfies me,

it doesn't make me happy, happy.

so i have decided that i am going to grow flowers instead

and buy my vegetables, other than the small garden i have in the back yard,

from the farmers who really love to grow and sell vegetables.

that works.

 

what else makes me happy?

i am happy when i am in close proximity to those i love.

this makes me happy.

and so when i have to be away from them,

i need to figure out ways to feel connected. regardless of space and time.

letter writing, emails, texts,love packages,

those make me happy and fill the space for me.

the phone, not so much. i dread talking on the phone.

so i try to avoid it.

 

this post feels ridiculous even as i type away on the keys

but i have learned to trust that what shows up here is what i need to say.

happy is found so simply really.

toes, flowers, children, letters, candy...

yes that makes me happy.

i always thought i could do my

 ridiculous diet so much better

if i could only keep the candy..

i have loved candy since i was a wee small girl

and never gave up that love.

 

fresh herbs rather than dried ones makes me happy,

books rather than e-readers, white furniture, golden honey,

weathered pots instead of new ones, oversized sweaters,

bubble bath that isn't all itch provoking...

 

flat shoes.

oh my, i tried for years to wear heels and i never felt  happy about that.

ever.

so i just wear flats, and embrace my shortness.

and curly hair versus straight..

that's another tricky one..

curly wins. it actually does..

i think it has something to do with my age.

accepting who i am with less of a fight.

 

what makes you happy?

and what makes you unhappy that you have the freedom to stop doing

so there can be more happiness in your life?

 

that's the thing right?

my life has alot that i can not control in it

  so i work hard to notice

 what i can change and do and be a part of...

 

creating happy moments is pretty high on the list

because happy is simple

 and doesn't cost anything

and just results,

i hope,

 in more happiness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

releasing.

 

what seems like the right answer today

can contradict itself tomorrow.

 

{i need to save space for change in my thinking}

 

releasing.

surrendering.

trusting the process.

 

{i need to save space for change in my thinking}

 

this sentence feels so important to me.

 

 

 

notes to myself.

 

fresh start.

build on what exists.

keep the foundation in good repair.

trust the work already done.

move forward with what you have.

focus on the positives. let the past remain there.

recognize how hard all this feels.

 honour that.

slather yourself with love.

the budget may need to free up some

"survival funds"

celebrate common ground. do not panic.

tears are ok.

forgive yourself as often as nnecessary.

extend more grace than you thought possible.

extend more.

reel in your mind.

create memories. small ones count.

baby steps count

(Teresa says this is true. i believe her)

 

forgive yourself for panicking even though you promised you wouldn't.

have someone to talk to.

make gratitude lists about her.

be aware of your triggers.

bury your face in the herb garden often.

say "i love you"

more than you feel is necessary.

say it again.

watch the sky.

listen a lot. speak a little.

call in the tribe. banish the judgers.

nourish yourself. share food together.

pray.

repeat after me,

this too shall pass, this is not the end.

 



mini vacation

 

 

a year and a half ago,

when life was harder than,

well life itself

{or so it felt at the time}

i made a deep connection with the

 music and lyrics of

 Mumford and Sons.

 

they became my sound track and i still listen to them

at least once a day.

we traveled to Vancouver to see them live at an outdoor concert this past weekend

and my heart grew at least 2 sizes, i am sure.

 

you know that feeling,

standing in a crowd of 25,000 people

 feeling right at home

because you are so connected to the words, the sound,

 the feeling that a particular music evokes?

ya, that's what happened.

i felt at home.

 in an enormous crowd.

with owen behind me and hannah by my side.

 

we had the best 3 days together,

traveling, not too far from home,

but far enough away to feel like we were able to escape,

for a few moments,

the life that we adore and work hard at, but sometimes feel burdened by.

 

we lost ourselves high above Vancouver in our hotel room,

we lost ourselves peering, in awe at the jelly fish displays at the aquarium,

we lost and found our hearts at the concert

and we lost ourselves again,

 becoming silly and carefree

 in the pretend rooms of ikea

the next morning.

 

mini vacations are golden.

take them people!

 even if it is just downtown,

wherever your downtown may be.

take yourself away

 and remember how to come alive again.

 

oh!

  a mini vacation is also a great excuse to wear a new dress!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it didn't fit.

 

i tried to crawl back into my old skin a few nights ago.

i sat on my bed and grieved.

i grieved for a time that was easier,

 less painful and wasn't defined through the lenses that i am currently wearing.

 

i was missing an old friend who has parted ways with me

for her reasons. for reasons i can't control and i was missing her, feeling abandoned by her, and yet, understanding that part of the cost of chronic illness includes loss of relationships.

 

i was remembering the days that flowed easily, that i felt i could control, days where i knew where my children were and what they were doing and i rested in the assurance that we were all alright.

and always would be.

i cried hot tears, and i wrote a letter that will never be mailed to that friend and then asked Owen to read it just so someone could witness my pain.

and he didn't want to but he did because he loves me and helps burden share with me,

even when the burdens are mine alone and he can't lift them.

 

i wept for the days of innocence, of casualness, of ease.

and i came to the place again of remembering

 that i couldn't go back there.

i accepted

that i can't turn back the hands of my

 personal clock

and that forward is the only direction

 worth moving.

 

but oh i tried.

for a few moments

 i tried to squeeze myself back into who i was,

who they were,

who i though we were all becoming.

the vision i had created for our futures together.

 

and i wrestled and squirmed

  feeling an emotional roller coaster rip through my body

and then i surrendered.

{again}

 

trust and surrender are my badges these weeks.

 

and i accepted the realization that

i am not that person,

they are not those people,

she is not that friend

 

and i don't fit that skin anymore anyhow

and even if there were some magical way to return,

i would be a stranger.

too different to belong in my past.

i have grown new skin.

i have been shedding

 and it is time to notice the newness

 of who i am and feel safe here.

 

as a child

(and still, truth be told)

when i would stumble upon a snake's paper thin, too small skin

i felt a hush. a holy hush of wonder.

that process is a miracle

in my eyes and i am in awe.

 

new skin.

the celebration of new growth,

through the humble letting go of our old container.

discarded and left.

 not displayed somewhere as precious,

not carried on our backs..

just left as it fell,

 to return to what it was.

allowing us to be free to be who we are.

 

 

 

 

 

grateful right now.

 

it has been far too long since i have done a

grateful right now post

so here we go...

 

sunshine is streaming through my kitchen window

clear spaces are beginning to appear thanks to last night's decluttering

owen comes home late tonight!

i have a new, well 3 weeks old, job that is perfect for me.

i am learning to let her go a bit more each day

my online journaling community

the onions in the garden are growing

fresh banana muffins are sitting on my counter

homemade almond milk

paint. paint. paint. especially with a 4 year old.

reading books that are saying exactly what my soul needs to hear

essential oil roll ons..especially the one named "balance"

grief letters, written but not mailed

looking for her with a friend

surprise drop in visits from my parents

the cilantro is growing

snail mail