I forgot i could do that.

I forgot i could kick butt if necessary.
I forgot that I could lean on myself instead of others if I needed to.
I forgot that I could say hard things with grace, love amd humor, and not fall apart afterwards!
I forgot that working 10-12 hour days is excruciatingly hard on this body of mine amd that helped me   remember that I don't want to do that.
I forgot that my family would be just fine without me. Not perfectly fine, but fine enough.
I forgot that I really can't drink powdered ice-tea or lemonaide. That goes for chickem salad as well.
I forgot that a daily Starbucks habit becomes a daily headache when you are out of town. Yikkes!
I forgot that a lightening/hail/thunder/torrential rain, all at the same time,  storm,  while driving would reduce me to a puddle of hysteria in 5 minutes.
I forgot alot but now I remember! 

watching it all change right before my eyes

the girl went camping for 3 days without me

and i was fine. 

fine.

the whole time, 

fine.

 

i saw sweet Tejan in the store for the first time

since i stopped working from home

and he didn't want to talk to me

and i understood completely.

( he was so tall!)

i was about thinking about visiting my favorite 4 year old this week

and i realized i have two favorite 4 year olds now,

and that there is room for both in my heart

i am about to make my first solo road trip off the island,

ever,

i am going away for a week without anyone from my house!

alone in the car, just me.

i no longer miss dairy,

unless it's pizza we are discussing.

i can see the other side now,

glimpses of life without full time responsibilities at home,

the side where my children have their own lives and i love that,

rather than dread it.

friendships are made that never ever seemed likely

and friendships end that i thought would last forever.

priorities shift, thoughts soften, time takes on a new rhythm,

goals change, bodies shift shape, perspectives alter.

dreams fade from sight or light up the night sky

depending on the season.

and i remember that even as everything changes around me,

i am on  track.

i am on the track that is there especially for me

and that it is not at all like i expected

or even wanted some days,

but it is exactly right for me.

there is a solidness there that i appreciate.

 

 

questions

 

it is a season of questioning for me.

questions that often have no answer,

need no answer. 

and that's the gift.

not needing answers like i once did.

being at peace with uncertainty.

trusting the process, more than the end result.

i started out wanting answers of course.

 concise boxes to place around my queries,

logical, reasonable responses

to illogical, "don't ask questions such as those" questions.

i felt worried for a while about what was rumbling through my head,

the unwavering, pull no punches questions around

faith, parenting, commitment, ambition, dream following, health, unanswered prayers, the ways of dogma, big world questions, and tiny in my own backyard quandaries. 

well,

almost everything has become a question at some point recently.

i felt a sense of betrayal to my past, to my supposed future, to my present

and i had moments where i would look to the sky and actually expect god to smote me,

or i would wait for something really, really "bad" to happen as a result of,

what felt a little, some-days a lot like,

betrayal.

of course,

that didn't happen and won't happen 

and i ask all sorts of questions now with increasing freedom and bravery.

very few of them find answers,

 but some do,

and i record it all in my journal,

because my head is leaky

 and i want to be able to look back at the time of questioning 

and gently laugh at myself or marvel at myself

or both.

 

oh the stories i could tell {july edition}

 

 

 

 

 

here's May 

and April

if you wanna go back in time with me:)

what if.

 

what if i just started again,

didn't explain or justify why i stopped

or what i've been doing.

i just show up,

continuing on as though we just chatted yesterday.

what about we pretend

 that i was marooned on a deserted island

 for the past 40 days,

 collecting sea shells, sunburns and stories.

what if

i remembered that this is for me

and i get to make the rules about this space,

what i share, what i don't, when i visit,

what it looks like.

remembering that there is no need for comparisons,

no concern necessary about how they do it differently than i do,

no self inflicted judgement about their comment count versus mine.

it isn't that big of a deal after all

and for that

i am grateful.

i am weary of everything becoming a big deal.

i want to tone life down for a while.

i just want to be.

and with that,

i am back.

 

oh the stories i could tell.

 

last month is here.

 

 

 

 

 

{a love note}

 

i practice gratitude.

it is one of the areas of my life that i consider

a pathway to wellness, to wholeness and to happiness.

sometimes i miss noticing the deeper layers of my gratitude though

because the noticing of small things has become like breathing for me.

i can feel that i am practicing gratitude because there is always

a running, babbling list in my head as i go through my day.

grateful for this, grateful for that,

noticing the gifts, re framing the hard.

 

today though,

there was a deepening to my practice

and it was because i allowed myself to just be, to accept the gift,

to soak up the love, the support, the quiet steadfastness that was being offered to me.

 

my heart feels stretched and wide open in a new way.

 

the story goes as such:

i didn't sleep last night.

or the night before, much.

3 hours tops

and this morning, oh so early, in an unsettled, exhausted haze

i noticed that Owen was there beside me.

up for work already, dressed but at our bedside,

head beside mine, not talking, just being there.

he was such a calming presence.

so rock solid steady and peaceful

it was as if he knew that i didn't have the strength

to begin my day without a filling up of love,

and so he gave that to me,

silently, without a word, without a touch,

just his presence. his being.

he came and laid his head by mine

not once but twice,

returning to me on either side of the bed,

meeting me exactly where i was at.

 

i don't think he knows how profound it felt,

because i don't think i even spoke this morning,

it was that deep an exhaustion.

i don't think he even knew that i had been awake till 3,

but he did know exactly what i needed somehow.

 

i am grateful.

deeply filled,

and extremely blessed.

and while the exhaustion remains,

it is less burdensome, less threatening

because i know that i am not in this alone.

not for one moment.

and for that i cannot express enough gratitude.

 

 

the awesome thing is,

he will read this,

and probably tell me that he was just too tired

 to do anything but lie there himself..

we will laugh and delight in the knowing

 that we give each other gifts of love

 without even reilizing it all the time