victory dances and gratitude lists

(not my image..oh how i wish it were)

victory dances are important 

when one is navigating life.

and  today i am victory dancing for a variety of reasons.

in these next few weeks i am going to record my victories

as well as my gratitude's because,

well, i want to.

victory dancing for three days of no solid food.

victory dancing that i was able to go to work today and spend time with little's who light up my life

victory dancing that i am managing to sleep a few hours every night instead of none at all.

victory dancing that i have moments that are incredibly difficult but i am able to remember they are just little bumps really and i just get through them.

because what other choice do we all have.

that's the thing right?

our stories are all relevant and equal and amazing and inspiring and hard.

at least parts of them are. 

some seasons of our lives are just hard.

be it the drowning in motherhood years or the drowning in empty house years

or the wading through financial tough times years or the drought years 

of loneliness, sickness, death and despair,  broken dreams, deep disappointments

divorce, disability...

whatever it might be.

this is why we must victory dance for ourselves.

because we are doing hard work,

this living is hard work but it is also oh so glorious

and that is where the gratitude comes in.

there is so much to be grateful for,

even on those really crappy days you know?

gratitude practice i can do.

 and it changed my life when i started. 

and it changes my life when i stop.

but victory dancing about myself. 

that is new.

and i think i like it.

it feels dangerous almost.

to notice all the little and big choices and actions i partake in to create a life i love.

i am grateful today for a friend who made me soup so i had a day that i didn't have to make it,

 i am grateful for my children who are cooking meals and keeping the house clean so that when i am home all i really need to do is rest,

 i am grateful for a bouquet of flowers delivered to me from my sweet Isla

 (thanks Katie)

i am grateful that each time i open my journal i am encouraged and reminded and inspired to continue to look forward and not back. i am grateful my kids are finally getting better about bringing their dishes down from their rooms, i am grateful that we are all taking vitamin C to stave off cold season.

i am grateful that there is golden light in my back yard at this moment and i am grateful that i can drink endless cups of herbal tea because my tea cupboard is full. i am grateful that my curly haired girl is keeping me company while owen works long days on Pender this week and i am grateful for this space.

victories and gratitude.

these make  me oh so happy.

 

 

 

 

Perhaps I had the definition wrong?

 

when i wrote about being

in remission

and struggling across the bridge to wellness

it slipped my mind that remission does not mean

gone forever

oops.

 then when i was making myself a project 

to stay in remission

i was still quite convinced that remission was forever

and that was motivating the commitment to change.

[change always needs a motivator]

l i looked up the definition today.

{because i am no longer in remission

and this is difficult to accept and process

but i must because i will cross the bridge.} 

remission

a.  a temporary or permanent decrease or subsidence of 

manifestations of a disease.

b. a period during which such a decrease or subsidence 

occurs.

{so i was only reading the part i wanted to hear. 

my remission was temporary

and in hindsight, such a sweet and timely gift .

  i assumed it would be permanent. 

it was not

.this too is okay or soon will be .

life goes on. moves forward.}

so then because i was on a roll

 i thought i should refresh myself 

as to the definition of 

chronic.

constant, continuing a long time or recurring frequently,

having long had a disease, habit, weakness, or the like,

(of a disease) having long duration (opposite to acute)

{and so i made the connections,

 bought the chicken to make broth, 

cleared this weeks schedule of all that doesn't make my heart sing,

 and with the push of publish on this post,

 am gathering my tribe to help me}

you know what frightened me yesterday?

that it only took 5 days to deteriorate.

it was just last Tuesday night that i realized something was seriously wrong again.

that seems so short, you know?

but i am not afraid today.

{well, maybe a little bit. 

there are stronger emotions

 taking place that crowd out fear for the moment.}

today i feel like an experienced old farm hand

who knows just what to do,

and i am doing it.

so!

 gold star that,

   you ridiculous disease!

remembering my manifesto.

 

i spent a long time deciding what words would find their way 

into my manifesto.

i wanted to remind myself,

simply and clearly

of what i stood for.

what i believed with my whole heart.

those phrases are here

and because my manifesto

was only  written on my blog

and i don't go back and read over my posts regularly

(but i do occasionally)

i hadn't seen the words for what turned out to be too long.

i had forgotten some.

last week was tough.

and i needed some reminders.

i went searching to remember and return to the roots of me.

and i laughed when i remembered that i need to always carry benadryl.

now that i am eating again, that is a daily necessity.

and i had forgotten that i promised to light candles.

and so i have begun again.

the little things.

the ones we don't think matter, but do.

snail mail.

started that again a few weeks ago

and my goodness i felt grounded.

the big ones.

loving big and listening to my heart whispers.

so glad i put those on there.

so grateful i want to remind myself daily to be who i am meant to be.

the manifesto got copied out

all hurried and messily into my current journal

and i am finding myself returning to it again and again.

checking in on myself,

 remembering what makes my heart sing, 

using the words as boundaries and "atta girl!"

for guiding my days.

i appreciate this space,

even as i return to it less and less

because it allows me to look back,

to recall, to remind, to notice patterns, growth and stories of my days.

do you have a manifesto?

a guiding word?

{mine is stretch this year}

i recommend the practice.

"make yourself into a project"

 

he has said it before and i don't think i listened.

"make yourself into a project. you love projects"

and yet,

despite the love i have for such endeavors,

i have found myself  still resisting

wanting to meet myself 

and my self care

at an angle, 

sideways, not head on.

not honestly.

 avoiding

i wish i could tell you,

tell myself 

why i am so resistant to putting physical wellness in the center of my life.

i search through my stories,

looking for clues and of course i find them-

the pieces are all there

and i understand and i "do the work"

because i am a friend of the emotional and mental work of wellness

 i make baby steps

and there are moments of wisdom and breakthru

but i don't really do anything in the physical realm

(other than take my medicine)

(which is actually a huge break thru for me)

until the cycle repeats

 and i find myself

once again buried beneath the rest of my life.

does this happen to you as well?

i am in love with my life.

that's an important truth that i want to shout from the rooftop.

i have returned to a schedule that i have carefully chosen

and fully participated in the making of.

i work because i choose to, want to, love to

i am doing my schooling because it is important to me.

i participate fully with my family

 and consider each of those moments,

( regardless of how intense and weary, 

how late the nights, how long the walk)

 we share to be a gift.

yet,

i forget about myself.

the physical part of myself.

 i avoid the reality that i am brand new into a remission

that may or may not stay with me.

i need a plan.

i need to be a project. 

i want to figure this out.

 

seeing the truth of the situation is freeing.

saying that i struggle with wellness allows for acceptance and grace.

now i move onward.

project strong tania

i shall call it.

i see a new journal in my future

and maybe some running shoes

(for walking)

 

 

 

oh the stories i could tell

from August.

i am a tad late but in keeping with a series

here it is.

 

 

i really liked the stories May held for me.

Sunday

 

Sunday

sweet Sunday

the day for sleeping in

and drinking tea

for visits to book stores with my mama

and 

endless games played on the floor in the living room

for crock pots filled with stew

and warm fuzzy blankets

{the first day this september}

Sunday 

sweet Sunday

the day for early to bed

and late night journal spilling

for anticipations and determinations 

a bright shiny week ahead.

Sunday 

sweet Sunday

my most favorite day

 

navigating

 

i keep picturing a bridge,

long and rustic, missing planks.

you know the type?

i imagine it sways a little, and is surrounded by deep forest.

there is probably a raging river underneath.

west coast walking bridge

 crossings are often wet and slippery.

and i never seem to have the right shoes.

 

 it is the bridge between illness and remission

and it is hard to navigate.

i made the naive, optimistic assumption

 while i was so ill that i would leap 

magnificently into remission when it arrived

and well, that has not been the case.

but remission is here. and i take each day it gives me

thankful and somewhat stunned

 as i eat a sandwich, 

or pop a piece of fruit into my mouth.

and i carry on with minimal pain,

 renewed energy and padding on my bones.

{i can eat most anything!}

the challenge of navigating the transition has been very hard.

{does that sound like i am resisting remission?}

i am not.

it is just  this complex mixture of gratitude and grief.

saying goodbye to one life, making room for a new one,

one that looks oh so different than i imagined. 

even in remission there is care to be taken,

side effects to navigate, expectations of myself that need to be considered.

i need to stay in this place of wellness

and that will only happen if i learn to be a gentle caretaker of myself.

{this lesson of care continues to be hard for me, even now, even after all of that learning}

i keep losing my footing in the gaps that are still present

the gaps of self care, 

the gaps of "too much" 

the gaps of false expectations

and i find myself stumbling forward, clinging, crawling,

 willing myself across.

"go all the way" 

i whisper to myself in the toughest spots.

 "it is bright over there"

the pace is frustratingly slow 

and i am having to be mighty, mighty patient with myself.

i am here. 

tentative and slightly bruised for completely different reasons

but the words are returning to me.

17 pages in 4 days have dumped themselves into my journal,

scrambling over one another to find their spot.

i go back, after i have written, trying to make sense of it,

circling, underlining, adding in with new colour.

i am grateful.

for the gift of bread breaking and the spilling of words.

oh so grateful.