musings.

 

i am sleeping less these weeks.

perhaps it is because of my age i wonder

and that forces me to remember my age

and i shake my head and try to figure out

how.that.happened.

 

 which leads my mind down a path of musing  of other significant numbers.

i think of my first boy.

the one who spends his days and nights preparing very delicious food

in a very delicious restaurant for very delicious people

and the food is sometimes so good  on the plate before me

that i want.to.cry.

how did my boy child become a full grown man

who now offers to buy my purchases for me if we go through the checkout together?

 it is a comfort to have wonderings that are filled with gratitude rather than concern.

i am grateful.

my musing of late has also been about my marriage

and i think about the 10 years we have spent together,

my owen and i.

and i can't help but notice how 5 of those 10 have included my illness.

this realization  stops me in mid thought and i have a choice to make.

even in our musings we can direct the path.

i  choose to focus, for this long night at least,

on the easy parts, the free spilling abundant life we live together.

i refuse to define our relationship through the lens of chronic illness and struggle

but half our lives together..that kinda feels heavy you know?

and then my musing turn to marriage in the wider sense

and i wonder.

have i been married for 10 years or have i been married for 23?

this is not meant to offend or hurt 

and when someone

asks me how long i have been married

 i of course answer 10 because we are referring to my life now,

but if i am having a deeper conversation 

or if i am wandering through my life in my thoughts

 it makes sense that i would include my first marriage.

after all,

darryl and i were married and that counts.

the numbers attached to marriage seem to be important to people.

and i find myself wondering about this.

musings keep me company when the house sleeps and i notice that

for the most part the wonderings are lighter and more playful in nature these days.

i am able to direct my path and choose my response with more positivity than before.

my gratitude practice, my optimism,

 my discipline of seeing the good in all things is becoming second nature.

i wander through the stories that are deep but i also spend time on the shores

thinking of nothing more important than paint and seed and toy and book.

my manifesto working itself out in my days.

often spring became deep and serious for me and rather than shedding

the heavy coat of winter i would often be found buckling it up tighter.

each passing spring, the load feels lighter 

and i am happy that this year it feels the lightest of all.

xo