Tuesday, February 18, 2014


i see the word over and over in the comments.
some of you just simply write the word


  others pen me love notes and affirmations,
reminders, and gentle chastises. 

some of you i don't know by name,
yet you took the time to ask me to stay.
to thank me for writing.
 to show up for me.


 all the words settle on my heart with the gentleness of a feather-


make my heart quicken and quiet.

can  that happen at the same time?
of course it can and it does.

there is an inhale and a deep exhale.
a softening rather than a hardening.
my shoulders relax.

that confirmation of what i needed to hear
 the gentle little push to continue being who i am
it  became forgotten briefly
 in the roar and rush of a life unsettled.
a roar and a rush 
despite the constant practices of quieting my  being.

{this is hard work and needs to be faced with diligence}

of course i am going to quake and waver
when time and time again i awake to a  challenging day
and decide to root my feet and face it head on.

{today is day one}

 you do the same i know
and i am in awe
 of your bravery and forward marching, 
crawling, skipping, walking,

however you navigate dawn till dusk.

be it in words, in work, in quiet surrender, in prayer, in paint,
in tools and dust, in books, at desks, with pots and pans,
in ditches, in fields, with others, in solitude, in the company of the elderly or the little
or the ones in between, 
be it with dirt and seed or pen and paper.

your navigating, my navigating is beauty.

i am in awe of us all really
and i want to share my journey with you.
please continue to teach me how
by being who you are meant to be.
i will continue to.

thank you.
my appreciation for your love of me,
your belief in me,
your rooting for me 
means the world to me.
it really does.


Monday, February 17, 2014

this space.

this space.
this blog, this open journal that has partial, small
glimpses of my life-
we have become at odds again lately.

i want to be here but find that i am careful with my words
as of late.
this has happened before and i left for a while, 
but the clicking of the keys drew me back.
i missed them.

part of me,
a large part wants this to be a place of happiness and light.
of pretty and free.
i do not want people like you
my dear reader
to wonder each time you open my blog 
as to what you will find.

will she be depressed today? sicker than yesterday perhaps?
lighthearted and creative? dark and deep?

i worry that i will be seen as self indulgent
or seeking pity or worse yet, looking for attention.

{and yes i know, that my blog is for me
 and it doesn't really matter what others think.
 it really isn't that big of a deal, 
 but for me it does, so please indulge me}

i came here each day to share my heart, my journey and 
when this blog began with my dear friend Suzy 
i had no idea that the next 4 years would be 
a journey over difficult terrain.
and that the themes here would be as they are.

i think i imagined a blog that would contain images
of beauty and fun, inspiration and love
a blog that was, well easy.
easy to write, easy to read, easy to want to connect with.

instead it has become a place
 i turn when there is no where else to put down what i need to say.
you see,
i am not gifted with sharing my journey with words over tea.
my face to face community is small.
i jam up, i become clumsy and concerned.
i genuinely want to hear your story 
and that makes it easy to not share mine.
i am working on this and it is becoming easier
but easier only in the sense of
doing something really hard every day makes it easier.

{i do wish sharing our stories wasn't a hard thing.}

 so i am at a loss of sorts.
not sure what to do here.
and i come asking those of you who are here faithful with me,
for your thoughts.

 shall i stay or should i go?


Friday, February 7, 2014

what waiting looks like.

i am waiting for the specialist to call.
we have a phone date that was meant to begin 
5 minutes ago.

i have decided that i am going to situate myself
in my sunniest window,
with a cup of extra sweet earl gray tea
because after all
if one needs to be on the receiving end of news
that is either going to be
discouraging, disheartening, depressing
and most likely
life inconvenincing

one can at least be surrounded by beautiful sunshine and extra sweet tea.
do you love extra sweet tea?
i sure do.

{ i also really love a brilliantly made lemon drop martini}

i am aware as this health journey continues on and on and on
that somewhere along the way i have gotten stuck in the stages of acceptance.
i am not yet full circle.
i pretend to be most days
 and i certainly work my program of gratitude, surrender and grace filled living
but really,
i don't think acceptance and i have made friends yet.
i am still in conflict with this condition.
does that ever go away i wonder?
do we need to be in combat 
with it in order to learn how to manage and live with it?
or can acceptance work?
full surrender, this is how it is going to be surrender and acceptance?

{these are not questions that have answers. i know that.}

goodness it takes a long time.

"it takes as long as it takes"
she says and i let those words sink in 
again and again.

the phone rings.
i am off to my sunny spot.