Wednesday, October 31, 2012

with thanks...

my new specialist
whom i have a great amount of gratitude for
has spoken words
that for today
give hope.
he still talks super fast as all specialists seem to do
and stood at my bedside
rather than sitting and staying a while
(that is okay though)
i suppose they see so many
individuals each day that they have learned to be speedy
but each time he came to see me
even though i always had to wait a very long time
between visits,
he took just a moment to say hello, smile,
ask how i was
he began his doctor speak.
i appreciated him.
and the encouragement he gave to me.
he speaks of probiotics.
he speaks of eating real food!
 vegetables and fruit real food,
not just easy to tolerate  not so good for me low impact food
he speaks of managing stress.
he speaks of the disease being managed fully
and life resuming
(as long as i take care of myself and get strong again )
my time away from my family
my home
my journaling and collaging
has stirred up stuff.
tales from the bed
i think i shall call them.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

i can't help but wonder...

last night we watched
we are just that tired
it was easy to access
and occasionally
a Disney movie can be a distraction.
i get embarrassed at how easily i cry at any movie
when i watch a
movie that is meant for the under 10 set
and i am reduced to a pile of mush
i just stop watching movies
{sensitive much?}
last night i was impressed with myself.
the movie was a distraction but i wasn't totally immersed
because after all,
it is Disney
and I am 40 something
I was having alot of fun
a beautiful magazine for my journal.
until the end.
the scene where the lost princess
is reunited with her mother and father
who haven't seen her since she was a baby
I know that Disney is a master at manipulating emotions
and their doe eyed women are so well animated that
i can get sucked right in...
but it was more than that...
there was a "knowing" in the eyes of the mother
i could sense it...
{they did it well..that scene}
 she hadn't seen her child in 18 long years.
and there was an immediate connection
and i found myself
in tears,
would it be like that?
would my birth mother look into my eyes and know that i was once hers
just that easily...
or is that just  the magic of Disney?

Sunday, October 21, 2012

dance party

they had a dance party last night
to celebrate Owen
 and his upcoming birthday.
some of you
may have been to one of our dance parties
and know just how fun they can be
they involve
loud music
lots to drink and eat
people being carefree and loud
dance parties are freeing
 shaking  off the stressors and worries of the week
we sing along to owen's very ecclectic musical collection
last night the boys really cut loose
they all even put on dress shirts,
 popped their collars, undid their buttons
they let go of their self concious selves
for an hour or two 
sang and danced loud
celebrating with Owen
 showing him just how much they love his company.
this time
i noticed that they had a dance party
and i was a wallflower
kinda made me sad.
one day again soon
i hope
i will be squeezed into the living room dance floor
and dancing my cares away as well

Saturday, October 20, 2012


for giant suflowers,
for owen,
for vayda,
 for the farm,
 for art journals,
 for sebastian
for hannah,
for you,
for so much more....
-giving thanks with a grateful heart-

Friday, October 19, 2012


i forgot to thank you for a few other things as well..
i think that i see colours more vibrantly
than i did before
and i notice the comfort of soft blankets and hot baths and the
warm grip of a mug of tea
 with an almost
 first love affection.
thank you for that.
i do wonder
 why it is that whenever
i speak kindly of you,
 or to you,
(because sometimes i do talk to you, trying to soothe your torment)
that conversation always seems to be followed by an
extreme testing of whether or not i was telling the truth
in what i said
(and i am...there isn't much room for lying here in this battle we are in)
since yesterday's post
i am in the midst of a most vicious flare
that just won't leave me alone.
 i woke up this morning with an absolute
unshakable sense of
you know the kind,
the loneliness that tricks you into thinking that nobody actually understands you
(or even cares)
it doesn't matter that this loneliness is not true
because for today my emotions have convinced me that it is.
and i struggle to breathe through the physical and emotional pain
that threatens to swallow me whole unless i keep my guard up.
and that
 dear illness
is something that i will not thank you for.
i will not thank you for the emotional roller coaster
chronic, constant, life sucking pain tries strap you into.
i don't even ride roller coasters in real life
and i have no interest in the mental one that i am currently on.
i continue to say
thank you for the colour tweaking
and the truly remarkable life changing work that you are doing
but please
be gentle with me today.
and tomorrow-
i need a break from you.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

an open letter to my illness...

dear you,
i want to thank you for
the changes that i have experienced since you joined me
3 (and some months) years ago.
i remember when we first met
i was quite sure that you wouldn't change me much.
we would learn to get along,
 my medications would work
and the whole "i can't eat anything without being in pain"
scenario would be temporary.
i remember that i was able to work
and continue to feel fulfilled in my busyness.
i remember being pretty thrilled with being
"skinny" and having all my clothes feel baggy.
i also remember
that i was still judgemental of others that were not
perhaps as "strong" as i was,
or at least thought i was.
and i remember i had pretty strong opinions
about natural health versus the medical community's way.
i remember being convinced
 that my life
that was then.
today i reilize that you have
actually come along side me and smoothed off my rough edges.
because of you,
your constant presence, pain, exhaustion and unwillingness to leave me
(and yes, it is constant these days)
i have become a softer person,
a kinder person,
a much less judgemental person.
my heart, my way of viewing myself and the world have changed
i have been learning that my worth does not come from what i do
but who i am.
i have discovered that my availabilty to others
 because i am not working
is a blessing.
a gift of time
is important
and wasn't there before.
i was just too busy to truly be present.
so this is the point in our relationship
i need to give thanks.
be grateful for you.
(this is not a strange desire to remain sick.
it is a grateful in all circumstances choice that i am making
trust me,
i want my life back
 but am able to accept the gift this illness brings me.)
oh i know,
there have been many days and nights
where we have raged, where we have wept
and been terrified
by the pain and suffering you have brought
but in the safer hours,
the moments where i am able to see clearly
i see
i see the work that is being done in me.
i see grace. i see understanding. i see humility.
i see an increase in faith.
 i see strength that i didn't know i had.
i see a new practice of living in the moment,
i see an openess to other ways of thinking and living.
i see time to love on others and be an encouragement.
i see trust.
 trust in something bigger than myself.
i also see the work that  still needs to happen
i see a need to care for myself more.
i see a fear of establishment and title that i need to overcome
i see avoidance and sometimes
a big huge case of
i see an unclear health plan for my
i see loss of trust in anything actually working
and thus,
a giving up of even trying to get well.
i see the need to choose wisely
 how i will spend my days
 because there is only so much
 energy left in me
i see the gifts but i also see the lessons
thank you
from the bottom of my little heart.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

a witness to bravery today...

this blog post
i receiving a smile
 in Starbucks today
 from a woman who has not smiled at me in many years.
a quick, vulnerable, raw, needs no answer, just an ear
confession email from a friend today.
my girl being there
 for both her afternoon classes
even when every fiber of her being wanted not to be.
my hot tears this morning
a dear friend
 stating her truth about what her job does to her soul.
again, no answer needed..just an ear.
a friend allowing her birth story to unfold as it needed to
rather than as she dreamed it would
- such bravery shown there-
we are all so brave
in so many small ways all day long.

Monday, October 15, 2012


i think it is the times we spend together
laughing and connecting
and reilizing that home is a great place to be.
i think it sweet  that we are a little community
here inside these walls and stretching farther
as we come and go.
 that is how Shawn described us last night
and i was touched.
 our home is a place of shelter, of love, of support, of openess and acceptance
 our home is a place where  you won't be turned away and you are always welcomed back.
our home is full and sometimes bursting
(we fit 12 all weekend long and yes, today i am resting)
it can be exhausting and stretching
i wouldn't trade what my life here looks like for anything else.
i adore full couches
and squished up dinner table meals
home is where we come to when we are weary and worn down
wrapped under blankets from generations past
there is safety here.
we work hard to ensure that is so.
i am grateful for my home today and all the people that make is so.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

her question...

"when did life get so hard"
she asked out into her world
probably not expecting an answer
just looking for others to agree
that they wondered the same thing.
i lay awake for a long while last night
mulling her question over in my head
knowing that as close as we are,
as much as we share,
her struggle is still very much her own.
her journey.
her story.
i wanted to answer her but needed to wait.
needed to make peace with where her questions came from and what she would be able to hear.
i need to remember i am well into my life and need not rush her through hers.
she needs to sit with her questions as long as necessary
letting them soften and give way to the answer that speaks to her heart.
this morning we spoke briefly of her queary
  i told her i was going to blog about it
she didn't protest
so here i am...
i think
 and this is just what my heart tells me
it is in no way a difinitive answer,
(because i don't believe there are many of those out there anymore)
i think that life gets hard when we reilize that our choices and others choices
impact lives greatly
 she learned those lessons young
and when that is combined with a drying up of faith
life gets hard.
she agreed.
she said
and continued to put on her boots and gather up her school stuff
as though these conversations happen all the time.
(which they kinda do in our house)
 when i look at her life
i understand completly why she is struggling with the question of
"when did life get so hard"
 because for her
other people's choices have impacted her greatly.
and her choices have as well
and she takes responsiblitly very well for what is hers to own
but also recognizes what isn't and that is hard.
it is hard work to be self aware
at any age.
(this i know all too well)
and her faith has by her own admission,
 dried up and become a thin layer in her heart.
i get that
i don't judge
i don't panic
i don't preach
i don't worry
i understand
because i have been there
her question has of course
stirred up responsibility within me
my choices have influenced her life
and her ability to keep the faith.
i know this and i accept my contributions.
i also know that she is becoming the woman she is meant to be
by transforming some very challenging obstacles into launching boards
to a new way of living.
and that transformation,
as messy and painful as it is,
that is the grace that i depend on
working in my life, in her life, in your life.
the grace that leads to a refilling of faith and hope.
she needs hope to get through her day
hope and faith and determination
and a belief that while life is indeed very hard
she will be okay.
i trust she will find everything she needs
at exactly the right time

Wednesday, October 10, 2012


fragile happens to me
when i have forgotten.
i have been so busy loving on others and keeping my days filled to the brim
that i have forgotten
forgotten to remember me.
i have neglected the me
the girl that still has the tiny voice
"take time..take time"
i find it easy to love others
and i delight in the moments.
i wouldn't trade them for anything
i need to also love on myself.
those moments of tea at starbucks,
the getting lost in the library moments
they are missed when i forget i love them
and need them.
we speak of self love
and i listen
to myself and others
 i listen well
but the words don't always sink in
it would seem.
 i will for a few days, or weeks even
take greater care
of my health
my heart
my soul
my mind
but then i let myself get squeezed out again
and i become
today is a fragile day.
this is not a suprise to me
because while i may lack in consistent
self love
i am very self aware 
recognizing the patterns in my life..
weeks filled with love filled experiences
leaves little time for
self love.
i spent all morning in my journal
as this helps repair me
i listened to worship music and sang along
because despite not attending a house of worship
i have a rock solid love affair with my Jesus.
this repairs me.
i ignore the dishes, and the canner sitting on the stove
from my burst of energy yesterday, 
i don't worry about dinner plans
and i consider having a bath in the middle of the day.
these actions repair me.
today i choose to seek out beauty
in my surrounding
 in myself and others.
today i deliver gifts and mail letters.
these offerings of love repair me
(because my heart truly is happiest when i am giving to others.)
these little moments didn't result in my fragile state growing but instead
helped me feel strong again.
weary still?
of course,
 than the fragile girl i began my day with

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

right now..a list

i am canning applesauce;
 grateful i wore shoes being i splashed scalding water all over the floor
i am feeling a bit of mounting guilt as i have prepared nothing fabulous for our anniversary today. even though we agreed we were both exhausted from the weekend and would celebrate another day,
that doesn't feel right so i am starting to fret.
i am happy to be hanging laundry even though it is October...
the white tableclothes from last night's dinner are enjoying a free bleach
i am pretty happy that my living room is clean because i think we are going to be couching it tonight
and eating yummy cake.
i am eating.
this is not necessarily a good or bad thing.
it is what it is.
i love applesauce cake.
so much.
i have not been able to be in my journal for 3 or 4 days and i miss the time spent there
the sky is a brilliant blue
and there are a few sunflowers left in my garden speaking to the sky
secrets that i can't hear.
i am working on being brave.
that's my right now.
what does yours look like?

Sunday, October 7, 2012

there is something about the firstborn..

there is something special about the firstborn.
the child that, as a parent, allowed me to  gently journey from
"i think i know how to raise my child"
to the reilization that really,
 i didn't  know as much as i thought i did.
this boy of mine was in no hurry to enter the world
and when he did,
i was left battered, bruised
but oh so,
head over heals in love.
this boy was a gorgeous baby
with his dark hair and long eyelashes
he delighted me as an easy going infant and oh, so sweet toddler.
this boy, my eldest child,
he is a mixture of me, his dad and himself.
headstrong and driven
talented and generous.
this boy is a natural chef
 and nothing about him delights my heart more
than when i see him loving on raw ingredients and creating magic.
this child of mine is one that i now have conversations with about
farm to table initiatives,
we speak of seed purchases and preserving food.
we compare ideas and sometimes disagree
 about what a dinner party should look like and include,
but for some reason,
 i can disagree with him and not feel that panic i feel with other people.
i know how solid our bond is and i know it is unbreakable.
he pushes me to think bigger and bolder.
he has dreams that i ache to see him reilize.
he is my firstborn.
my, oh so different than myself, child.
 i adore him and all he is becoming.
i am proud to count him in.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

this boy...

this boy
shares my love of books, my love of keeping the peace and my (former) love of cheese.
this boy will always generously contribute the the weekly grocery shop
and is quick to jump in and lend a hand.
he is the one
that hears the car pull into the driveway
 and comes out every time to see if he can help.
this boy has a soft spot for his mama and his sister
and he shares my heart.
i see glimpses of me in his eyes.
he secretly knows he is my favorite
(even though, of course i don't have favorites)
this boy charmed me as a baby with his curly blond locks
and he almost did me in when he was two going on three,
 not content to stay still for even a second.
this  boy
 also gives me wide shouldered hugs
and always checks in with me.
he texts me sometimes to see where i am and what i am doing
which i find quite charming.
he is so polite with people
 that he often asks the cashier at a store how she  is doing
 before she has a chance to ask us.
he is a "please" and "thank you" kind of guy
and flashes such a warm smile while being so charming.
this boy surrounds himself with collections
which is a trait we do not share.
has a library that impresses me.
and probably would you too....
this boy
sometimes needs a nudge to be braver than he wants
and to his surprise
(i think)
he always succeeds once he commits.
(today he learned to back up a truck like a boss!)
this boy
can be shy a bit,
and take a while to warm up but once you become his friend,
he is loyal and true to you.
this boy is the one i miss when we go away from home for too long
he is the one i feel the need to connect to.
he is the one who makes sure the house is clean before we return.
he wants us to be happy,
i can tell
by the way he helps take care.
this boy, my last boy
solidly has my heart.
i see such love in him.