Thursday, January 31, 2013

meeting myself on the mat

there is sweat
running down my back
and while that might seem like
way too much information
it is important
to me that i share it.
i am
meeting myself
on the mat,
the elliptical machine
and through the footsteps that i am pounding
around the lakes and trails of my neighbourhood.
two motivations are taking me to the sweaty place.
a desire to get strong
and put my illness in the back of my life instead of the front
to renew my connection with nature and the absolutely beautiful place we live in.
and so,
i sweat.
and i get over my fear of doing hard physical activities
because i want to start doing them.
i want to strap on that backpack and return to where i once went.
i desire to hike the west coast trail again
before i am much older than i am now
and i want to
dig dirt and turn garden beds like a boss
in a few short months
i desire to daily remember that we live in a most splendid world
and by getting out of the house, the car, the coffee shop
i will be able to give thanks with more abundance and gratitude
that i already try to do.
to being sweaty!
 to becoming strong!
 to reveling in the greenness that surrounds me!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

what if...

i just found a notebook from last year
and it
had a page
doodled with
phrases and words
phrases such as:
hope spreader
love sprinkler
heart chooser
and i remembered
that i was wishing
there was a way
i could do what i love
for just a wee bit of money
you know,
enough to put gas in the car
and buy organic fruit.
what if
we could do what we love
and also earn a living at the same time.
what if
i could create a life
that allowed me to have the rest i need
on the really bad days
but also contribute on the good days
and even
get paid for it..
i dunno...
just a what if thought that is running through my head today.
your input is welcome.

Monday, January 28, 2013

we visited a market.

be warned...
this is a photo heavy post
and contains a photo of raw meat
“That without experimentation,
 a willingness to ask questions
and try new things,
 we shall surely become static, repetitive, moribund.”
-Anthony Bourdain-

Sunday, January 27, 2013

January's Cake

once a month
for the year
Dorothea and I are making a cake together.
this month's was
Triple Layer Lemon Cake
it will be a lovely tradition
that is quite popular already with our households!

Saturday, January 26, 2013


owen comes home to return to work
hannah returns to school
i return
to what feels like
seem to imply a break from the regular routine of life
and that when you return from that vacation
you will resume what you were previously doing.
i was getting well
and that hasn't happened yet
and so i am in the place that has no beginning and end
the place of doing
it is a hard place to be
and is making re-entry difficult
i am not sure what it means
but i know it feels
yucky and hard and selfish and just not me.
it is not where i want to be
yet here i am.
i need to remember that i am enough
that my contribution is enough
that this is okay.
that i am not defined by what i do
but by who i am
tricky business
i tell you

Friday, January 25, 2013

a soft spot

i have a soft spot for Asia.
i was just 18 the first time
i packed a backpack with
youthful optimism and went to the Philippines
whole-heartedly believing
 i was following my "calling."
i left behind
my parents, whom i sure were worried sick,
my highschool sweetheart,
the life i understood and knew well,
and i carried myself
believing that i was changing the world
 and making a difference.
what i am reminded of,
having just returned
from Thailand
and spending white sand beach wandering time
is that
i needed Asia
much more than Asia needed me.
there is an optimism
that permeates the people
i have encoutered on both trips.
smiles that crack faces open,
time spent in realationship,
rather than in busyness.
there is little complaint heard
 laughter, good natured teasing and communal living
is the norm.
i am
grateful for the reminders of the good life
 i saw while i was there.
i am richer for the experience
all experiences that we allow ourselves to dive into make for so much heart stretching.
joy filling. mind expanding. soul softening.
my love for this culture
the little i understand of it
runs deep.
(if only the food and i liked each other, but that's another day's story)

Monday, January 7, 2013


i just noticed how hard
it is to read
now that my background
is gray.
bear with me as
i figure out the best colour
and if you have
a suggestion,
tell me:)

watching the bloom

we are leaving
for our trip to Thailand
and each time
 i let my heart remember
why we are going,
i am overcome
with gratitude
and so amazed by grace.
yes we are going to see the elephant
and the floating market
and we will be visiting a temple or three
and most certainly
we are going to soak up the sun
and marvel at the landscape and the
kindness of the people.
we are going for a much needed holiday.
a break.
but the reason we are going
is where the grace comes in.
when the curly haired girl returned home
last December we were starting anew.
there were thin threads that connected us and
we all were neck-deep in the trauma of the Fall.
she and i needed a way to reconnect to each other.
we needed to become bound together again
and we did so by dreaming.
of Thailand
such a small fragile seed that was,
cupped in my hands and breathed over with hope.
we spoke often,
sitting on the couch, sharing pots of tea
of our love of travel
*she has been to Costa Rica and Mexico before*
and we found common excitement and purpose
together again.
tiny dream
that now, a year later is
26 hours away from becoming a reality.
a year ago,
the idea of owen, hannah and i
doing anything together
was so far from what we were experiencing.
my journal entries remind me of the silence, the anger, the begrudging exchanges.
yet now,
i watch as she chooses
family over and over again
i listen as laughter rings through our home
and i anticipate a trip that not only
connects us with elephants and the beauty of Thailand
but a trip that will
bind our hearts even tighter than they already are.
so much grace has been given to us.
i am beyond grateful for our second chance together
as a mama and her girl.

Friday, January 4, 2013

how easily i abandon what is important to me.

-a collection of forgotten dishes left behind by a very sweet girl-
not people
i don't abandon them.
at least i try my best not to.
i am thinking more
dreams and intentions and ideas that i really wanted to pursue
and the curiosities that i had.
{and remember all we promised ourselves when we were small
and nothing was impossible?oh, me too! such plans i had.}
i easily abandon those
and move on to fill the space
with new dreams and intentions
and ideas that i really want to pursue
and all the new curiosities
i have discovered i am curious about.
 this bothers me a little.
just a little bother
but enough that i thought it
important enough
to sit with my stack of journals
i really wanted to ride a bike often
and i also was very curious about anthropology.
i desired and still do,
to go to Haiti
and i spent alot of time
wishing i could wear high heels.
i wanted to practice my gratitude journal faithfully
and i promised to art journal everyday.
i intended to stop eating sugar and start exercising
at least 3x a week.
i was going to share my poems here i this space
and have people for dinner at least once a week.
i had books to read
and clutter to clear
and handmade body products to make
and bread recipes to try
and gardens all planned out
i was going to cook my friend dinner once a week
i am sure learning to swim felt most urgent.
and there were the secret wishes
and the deep dark desires
and the questions that have no answers lists
i felt like i was stepping back in time
even though it was only a stack of last year and a bit more
as each day became the next
and filled up with life
some of those did happen
and so many of them didn't
and while i deemed them all
at the moment
only some of them now hold that same weight
and those are the ones
that now,
in this shiny new year
 have returned to my list
they are the ones
that make up my creative and daily habits
 of my now.
at least until i replace them with new ones.
oh life.
i do love you so.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

*stretching* looks like this

-that is me on Christmas day-
-trying to get used to the wrinkles that are showing up-
early in the morning hours
-3 am seems to be a favorite time-
 when my body was screaming at me
-yes, it is still doing that, daily-
and i could feel a wave of hot,fierce anger begin to wash over me
i reminded myself
that i am bigger than the pain.
that i have
 *got this*
in the sense that i am well practiced and have nothing to fear.
poems formed in my head,
words tumbling together
but the swollen fingers refused to grasp a pen
even lightly
so the words fell apart and drifted back to where they came
and i was left with
the darkness
i wanted to have an out of body experience so i
could gather up the broken pieces of
in my arms
and whisper to each one,
 that i will not break, i will be well, this too shall pass.
i wanted to
be a fortune teller
 telling  myself stories of my future wholeness.
but of course, we are not meant to know our futures
so instead i wait for the light to come and i comfort myself that somewhere it is morning time and people are starting their tea and saying their morning prayers and begining a fresh new day.
morning always arrives
and i return to myself to
 delight in my present
through gratitude  work
spoken thanksgiving
and projects
that will stretch me
the morning always comes.
i cling to that..

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

one little word.

my word is
and i am excited.
last year
my word served me well
but it felt like work
a struggle
a conflict within me to
truly be balanced.
i am getting there
with that one,
i really am
and i am grateful
but this word...
oh the possibilites!
and my word has helper words this year as well.
four to be exact.
the question i asked myself
(thanks to this lovely lady)
If you lived and breathed
 your word every day, in 2013,
what would be different for you?
i did just that with
last year,
i whispered it to myself daily.
it helped.
here is what i have so far..
we are only one half day in after all
 and i am busy hatching creative plans
 with a group of lovely ladies
and i am finding that to be a lovely distraction,
which is partly the point of creative plans.
i went to the dictionary and the thesauraus for some help.
{i would}
[ i will]
amplify, branch out, bridge,burst forth,
develop,draw out, expand,
fill, go, grow, lenghten, magnify, make, open,
overlap, reach, run, shoot up, span,
spread, spread out, spring up, unfold,
unroll and widen.
i am saying a brave YES to all of those,
especially the colourful ones!
and just as important,
(i will not)
compress and shrink
any longer.