Wednesday, June 29, 2011

saying goodbye...

i am spending each spare moment i have
over the next 2 days
saying goodbye to my dear vayda...
i feel like i am losing a piece of my heart
and my arm,
as she has been attached to both since birth.
i will be back to blog on saturday
after the goodbyes are over

Monday, June 27, 2011

oh Monday....

full of decisions to make
and juggling of people to accomplish
and sorting of weekend memories and experiences
please be gentle with me today.

Sunday, June 26, 2011


i think,
when i first got sick
i thought that if i just went away from my life,
or disappeared for a while,
things would get better.
i would rest. and restore. and take care of myself.
all by myself.
with the help and love of my family of course.
but i wouldn't include others in the process.
i would be brave and stoic and private.
and i would get better.
this was after all just a minor (well major) inconvenience
and it would be gone soon.

now i reilize that this isn't the case.
being alone isn't making anything better.
and having a few close support systems in place
is actually life saving.
(thank you K&K)
and i am now recognizing that this is my new life.
this disease is a part of who i am and who i may be for a long time
and i don't want to hide away "waiting to get better"
so here i am trying to rebuild.
make connections with people i have neglected
being brave with myself and my needs
asking for understanding and grace.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

50 Things I love about Summer

               1. Daisies in ditches
3. Sun Tea
                                4. Saturday Farmer's Markets
            5. Painted Toe Nails
       6. Barbeques
 7. Open Windows
   8. Fresh Basil
     9. Sunshine
                         10. Hand Painted Rocks
                               11. Sleepy Teenagers Rising at Noon
          12. Picnic Dinners
  13. Glo Sticks
         14. Barefoot Beach Walks
               15. Lemonaide Stands
     16. Daily Watering
                                             17. Wild Blackerries, free for the picking
18. Family Visits
19. Blue Skies
20. Tiki Torches
21. Striped Pillows
22. Cool Breezes
23. Shell Collecting
24. Blowing Bubbles
25. Farm Fresh Strawberies
26. Collecting Driftwood
27. Lazy Evenings
28. Library Books
29. Dragonfiles in the Garden
30. Butterfles Fluttering By
31. Afternoon Naps
32. Listening to jack Johnson
33. Pulling Weeds
34. Beach Blankets
35. Starbucks Drive Thru's
36.Wearing Flipflops
37. Summer Dresses
38. Ice
39. Street Entertainers
40. Patio Dining
41. Art in the Garden
42. Buttercups
43. Scents of Roses
44. Yard Sales
45. Bumblebees
46. Suntans
47. New Freckles
48. Lazy Days
49. Star Gazing
50. Mini Golf

Friday, June 24, 2011

i am grateful this week for...

art blowing in the wind in the garden
coversations that go well
the common sense to take my prednisone right away this time
old friends over for dinner
the smell of hamburgers ( oh how i wanted one!)
roses starting to bloom in the garden
children squealing with delight in the sprinkler!
the anticipation of blissful moments ahead
hannah's curly hair
cilantro scented fingers
daisies...daisies everywhere
borrowing magazines from the library
watching bumble bees stumble in the clover
nap time

Thursday, June 23, 2011

a love note to myself...written February 18,2011

(this was not written because i think i am "all that". i wrote this to myself during a very hard time in my illness and was encouraged to do so as an act of self preservation. it worked...and i need to be reminded so that is why i am sharing it with you remember myself and also to encourage you to love yourself)

A love note to you...
Today I saw that you really practiced reflective listening with people. i am proud of you for taking the time to hear what people and especially children are trying to tell you.

I appreciate that you are willing to always learn more about your job. I think it is admirable that you refresh your skills and read alot to help you love and guide the children in a more meaninful manner.

I love you. I love your messy hair and love of candy. I love that you love to make messy art and accept sloppy kisses. I love your desire to be the best person you can be, even if that requires hard soul work and letting go of so much.

I value your health alot and I am grateful that you have taken your medicine every day. I value you resting when you are tired. I appreciate you feeding me with abundance so you can be nourished for the next stage.

Thank you for loving yourself through this letter. Believe every word-they are true. And guess what? When you mess up later, it's still all true. I love you!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

wear sunscreen...

as hannah was leaving for school today we exchanged our usual goodbyes and i love you's
and then she said to me:
"don't forget to wear sunscreen"
"I won't" I replied.
"I worry about you being out in the sun all day...don't forget!"

ahhh..i love this girl.
she challenges me. oh my she challenges me.
or maybe i challenge myself because i want only the best for her
i want to see her become the spectacular woman that i know she is meant to be.
i also ache for her.
being a teenage girl is tough. figuring it all out. trying to naviagate all the paths that are offered.
she is a fierce one and our love for each other is equally fierce.
sometimes it sounds angry and hurt and bitter and lound
and other times
it sounds gentle and encouraging and kindhearted.
there often is the sound of crazy laughter and shouts and ridiculous negotiations...
but always,
there is that love that is deep and forever and stronger than anything!
i love this girl!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


"Today I live in the quiet joyous expectation of good."
-Ernest Holmes

Monday, June 20, 2011

fluctuating emotions...

it's one of those days.
you know the ones?
 where you start out feeling optimistic and ready for the day
but by the end there is a bone aching weariness that has crept in
and is trying to take over every inch of your being?
yup. that's me right now.
 i had some great moments today- i made plans with friends we haven't seen for
way too long.
i giggled and cuddled and loved on the little ones.
i shared moments with two of my four
and with owen too.
but i also was at a loss for words a few times today.
not sure if what i was doing was completly right or completly wrong.
i was criticized today and have been unable to let those words roll off my back as they need to.
i am too tired to do the dishes or fold the laundry or even think about sweeping the floor.
and if i could, i would crawl into bed right now
but it is only 730 and i am too old to go to bed at 730.
sometimes i envy the little ones who get to have a warm bath and get tucked into bed so early.
i just wish there was some way to ride the roller coaster of my day
and not feel so tossed around.
seriously. i have been working with people for over 20 years
and i still don't have thick enough skin to make it through the rough moments of a day
without having a personal reaction.
i asked owen if i would ever grow thick skin....
he doesn't think so.
apparantly it is part of my "charm" and part of what makes me who i am.
i need to figure out a way to manage my reactions to others words and actions
and leave what isn't mine with who it belongs to
and carry forward only what is meant for me right?

Sunday, June 19, 2011


i remember when i told my friend Leila
way back 7 or so years ago,
that I was going to marry Owen
she burst into tears and quietly whispered
to me that she had been so afraid I would be all alone
when I was older.
at the time, i brushed her off as being one of those romantic, sentimental types
(which I am not)
why would it matter if I were alone? I had been alone for 5 years with my kids already
and was doing okay.
of course I was thrilled to be getting married but I didn't really understand what her
heart was telling me.
but now, after a few years of raising kids together
working through all the issues that come with being married together
battling a nasty illness together
loving our  extended families together
camping together
moving houses (a few times) together
travelling on an airplane or two together
having teenagers and young adults together
drinking martinis and eating yummy food together
crying and laughing hysterically together
transitioning from job to job together
losing people we care about so much together
and perhaps, growing a wee bit older together
i understand.
a day without owen would be one that I can't even imagine
without hot tears forming under my eyelids and then rolling silently down my cheeks.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Friday, June 17, 2011

i am grateful this week for...

the start of some warmer weather
quiet afternoons when small children nap and the air is still with their quiet breathing
watching kate and her mom reconnect in my backyard
pea blossoms
vanilla candles in the evening by my bed
bumblebees doing their important work in the chive patch
my lovely children and their love and patience with me as i try to navigate our lives together
fresh basil growing in my window
the spirit and determination of the good people of Vancouver cleaning up their city
Barry's official Canadian documents!
the optimism a weekend holds

Thursday, June 16, 2011

a new day

i tumbled out of bed this morning,
groggy and heavy hearted
sad with the events that unfolded in Vancouver last night.
as i sat and watched the news after the game
watching the people jumping
and jumping, smashing and kicking
screaming and jearing
i was reminded
of just how angry our society is.
and i wondered.
 we really don't have to want for anything, risk our lives for
daily survival, regulary fear for our safety, wonder where our
next meal will come from,
mourn the frequent deaths of our family and friends due to war and sickness.
why are we so angry?
and how can we let some of that anger go in a healthy way. how can i
teach my soon to be (and already) twenty something children
how to find some meaning in their lives that will prevent them from
becoming part of the generation of angry people
when i tumbled out of bed today,
i also had other thoughts...
what would i do today with my small ones
to ensure that they grow into kind, loving, peacful people?

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

missing us

i have been missing you!
i have been missing a place to write my random thoughts.
i have been struggling with "to blog or not to blog"
do i wait till you are able to blog again
or do i just keep on chatting at you and when you can join me you will and if you can't is that okay?
i think i need this.
i need a place to put down some of my thoughts
my struggles, my triumphs, my little bits of Tania.
it is lonely sometimes in my world,
partially by my own chosing, partially due to my limited energy.
but lonely non the less.
and writing is a way for me to feel less lonely
and that is important to me.
so i am going to start blogging to you again.
no pressure. hopefully you will read my letters to you
but even if you don't that's okay because i will have gotten out what i need to say.
i think i will blog everyday because i think i have lots bottled up inside.
i feel heavy and guarded and on edge
and perhaps letting some of that spill out will help
me feel lighter.