Wednesday, January 29, 2014

what it actually looks like at this moment in my life.

we haven't had hot water for 2 days
and the kitchen is a mess.
i have no intention of cooking tonight
even though that is financially
whatever that happens to mean.

it is hard to do dishes without hot water.
also, you should see my hair.
oh my!

there aren't any new photos to use on my blog 
because i can't find the cord to connect my phone,
so i look back through old ones to use,
and hope they aren't reposts.
but i don't actually care all that much
if they are.

the living room is collecting random piles 
that share parts of the individual stories that are played out in our home.
i can tell that children have been here,
i see the piles of their books,
 the sticker pictures
 once so precious but forgotten in the transition to home.

{i will save them, just in case they remember}

there is evidence of Hannah and Cody playing scrabble.
i wonder is she won again?
this makes her quite proud.
tea has been drunk recently and 
someone needs to vacuum-

the gravol bottles are becoming empty,
same as the pain killers, the muscle relaxants.
there are sick and sore people here.
we are looking for relief.
with the medicine and the juicing and the chocolate.
it isn't working.
neither is the endless napping, 
the trips to the chiropractor, 
the magazine buying.

i spilled words all over a page last night
and pushed send.
i felt ill.
too much spilling. not enough editing.
it doesn't matter though
they are words.
 just words.

i want to see my friend
and my family,
to drink tea with 
owen's sisters.
but there isn't the energy or the time.

how does that happen?

at this moment  my life
it looks messy and dull
and i find myself wanting to wander away
to somewhere else.
but i know that i know
that this is just a moment,
and there are gifts here too.

endless illness fogs up my vision.
there is no trusting the emotions that swirl in this place.

sometimes i tire of the gifts
 that come disguised as lessons, as challenges, as opportunities.
i would prefer pretty presents please.
i tell owen that i don't really need to keep practicing
empathy through experience.
really, i am done with all that for now
i say with a sigh.
 he smiles at me
knowing that comment is just me
 delayed in my very human complaining
about what would long ago  been okay to have been  too much 
but i am just now deciding to tire of it.

my cat sleeps through the mess
perches on the unfolded blankets.
i go hide for a while
there is always tomorrow.
or a someday to find these places again.



Tuesday, January 14, 2014


life is serious you know?
and as one who spends a lot of time-
perhaps too much time
 being introspective
and in deep question mode,
sick and tired
stretched thin and fragile mode
i need to lighten up.

 there are the times like the one above-
where i just can't keep a serious face for another moment.

 {and going all the way to Thailand to cut loose was pretty awesome-just look at those pants}

or there are times when we will be sitting around quietly
reading or being on our phones,
caught up in our own worlds
and i will suddenly 

across the room and tackle that man of mine
and before you know it there is laughter and silliness and an overflow
of so much love.

perhaps in the middle of a most serious day,
which most seem to be,
i can find myself being laughed at by one of my little's
as i read a most ridiculous story
or i may find myself laughing with them as they do the most absurd things.
{gosh i love my job-so much laughter}

sometimes it takes a very funny movie
or a passage in a book
like a few nights ago,
that found me giggling away 
without any way of stopping to 
share just what was so funny.

laughter was abundant last week
when the curly haired girl and i tried out
aqua zumba...
are you kidding me..
do THAT in a pool?
i almost drown..
in the shallow end!

i am looking for laughter more these days,
seeking it out,
finding it in unlikely places,
new places
like on a skype date with a dear kindred
{skype is very new to me}

i am discovering of course
that  the more we look for it,
embrace it,
ALLOW for the joy,
the silliness 
the ridiculousness of the moment
 to fill and flow over,
lightheartedness follows
and i will always welcome more of that in my life.

[it's a nice balance,yes?]

and those pants
well  in Thailand, they felt just right
yet every time i put them on here, i find myself thinking;
"really Tania, really?"
i think i need to go back!

Thursday, January 9, 2014


for quiet morning, green juice, extra deep baths,
the laughter and tears that have filled
the house this week,
saying "yes!" and experiencing new opportunities,
messy paint stained hands, conversations with strangers,
brave mama stories and communities that gather.

thankful for the ease of texting love and the joy of mailbox messages,
hard conversations that can turn soft with the right approach,
money jars with trip plans written on the front
for tea with a friend
for the warmth of shared stories

for pushing through and feeling the release,
reading blogs that just might convince me it is okay to search for Him again,
children's art, my art, your art
the gifts that are given without anyone ever seeing
the wonder of the fog and forest
tall majestic trees

thankful that i am learning to be angry
to find a way to honour my emotions and not suppress and also not cause harm
paint chips that have just the right word as the colour description.
being wise enough to not blame god for what happened,
knowing it wasn't him. it really wasn't.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

with use.

i read it, 
and then find myself going back and reading it again,
the words,
 then the deeper meaning,
 the questions about such a sentence possibly being true,
 and finally
i agree and the words finds a home.

 "Our friendships will flourish with (its) use"

friendships and i have had a rough go since i 
became sick those few years ago.
the story is not unique but it hurt all the same.
sometimes people need to disappear when we present them
 with the new shadow of whom we were,
when we cancel more than commit,
when we can't eat anything in their house
and goodness,
 what do people do together 
better than break bread together?

isolation comes like a thief in the night.
when we are a trigger 
of past stories and ghosts
long forgotten.

i disappeared too
 when their lives were a daily reminder
 of what i thought i had lost forever,
 but really had just lost for a season 
when i thought that i wasn't worthy without all the 
performances i used to engage in to earn people's love.
when the reality often was that i was too sick, too tired, 
too broken to leave the couch.
it became a dark journey.
a lonely one.
a fearful walk between my heart and my brain.

{how i wish i had chosen differently}

i read the sentence again,
drawn to it like a magnet searching for its opposite.

"our friendship with flourish with use"
and i think about my life now,
the life that has passed through those shadow lands for now
a life that is filled with connections, 
so many shiny and new,
  some old, steadfast and rooted deep

and i let the words seep into the place 
of my heart that are still guarded and locked up tight.


abundance. not lack.
freely giving freely receiving
this is what i choose.


my old and steadfast friends,
thank you for  just showing up to my couch during those dark of dark days...
you know who you are:)





Friday, January 3, 2014

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

today arrived

January 1st arrived. 

Despite my refusal to create 
end of year blog posts, my year in photo reviews,
lists to-dos, word choosing, resolutions, project ideas.

Despite all my boycotting of all those above good and wonderful practices
that I have for so many years participated in and loved oh so much.
Even with my wavering around this brand new
 "i will do nothing" stance 
despite the occasional
(well, frequent i suppose) 
lamenting  about how strange it felt,

today arrived.

and with today came an
unexpected feeling of anticipation and newness
that hadn't required any pre planning on my part.
{well, imagine that!}

conversations began to happen, 
unfold, and grow 
between owen and myself,
between my heart and my head

and i realized that fear,
fear of failure, fear of quitting, 
of not being able to sustain, 
to maintain, 
of not succeeding
that was what this boycotting was actually all about.
was standing right there
 on my path that leads me forward
blocking my way and my view.

i still have no intentions of resolution lists to be made in haste so i am not behind,
there will be no new grand projects.
 realizing that it was a fear of failing 
and saying
this is not how i am choosing to start today" 
allowed for a shift.

 Suddenly there was new energy flowing
and i found myself free
 to see and remember
 what i might choose to embark on
that would bring me joy.

renewing my commitment to my gratitude's.
but with a twist.
not in a notebook as in the past
 but through my IG photo stream
with a fun new hash-tag

starting a new commitment to doing.
not in a 
"i must perform to be worthy doing",
but a
"you got this Tania, no go do it"
{that feels good}
and has a hash-tag too!

-insert laughing at myself here for my intense love affair with Instagram-

i am happy to have cleared the path today.
it's steep..i can see that again, but so much longer and friendlier 
with the fear pushed aside for today.