Friday, March 7, 2014

musings.

i am sleeping less these weeks.
perhaps it is because of my age i wonder
and that forces me to remember my age
and i shake my head and try to figure out
how.that.happened.
 
 which leads my mind down a path of musing  of other significant numbers.
i think of my first boy.
the one who spends his days and nights preparing very delicious food
in a very delicious restaurant for very delicious people
and the food is sometimes so good  on the plate before me
that i want.to.cry.

how did my boy child become a full grown man
who now offers to buy my purchases for me if we go through the checkout together?

 it is a comfort to have wonderings that are filled with gratitude rather than concern.
i am grateful.

my musing of late has also been about my marriage
and i think about the 10 years we have spent together,
my owen and i.
and i can't help but notice how 5 of those 10 have included my illness.
this realization  stops me in mid thought and i have a choice to make.
even in our musings we can direct the path.
i  choose to focus, for this long night at least,
on the easy parts, the free spilling abundant life we live together.
i refuse to define our relationship through the lens of chronic illness and struggle

but half our lives together..that kinda feels heavy you know?


and then my musing turn to marriage in the wider sense
and i wonder.
have i been married for 10 years or have i been married for 23?
this is not meant to offend or hurt 
and when someone
asks me how long i have been married
 i of course answer 10 because we are referring to my life now,
but if i am having a deeper conversation 
or if i am wandering through my life in my thoughts
 it makes sense that i would include my first marriage.
after all,
darryl and i were married and that counts.
the numbers attached to marriage seem to be important to people.
and i find myself wondering about this.

musings keep me company when the house sleeps and i notice that
for the most part the wonderings are lighter and more playful in nature these days.
i am able to direct my path and choose my response with more positivity than before.
my gratitude practice, my optimism,
 my discipline of seeing the good in all things is becoming second nature.
i wander through the stories that are deep but i also spend time on the shores
thinking of nothing more important than paint and seed and toy and book.
my manifesto working itself out in my days.

often spring became deep and serious for me and rather than shedding
the heavy coat of winter i would often be found buckling it up tighter.
each passing spring, the load feels lighter 
and i am happy that this year it feels the lightest of all.

xo








Tuesday, February 18, 2014

stay


stay.
 
i see the word over and over in the comments.
some of you just simply write the word

stay.

  others pen me love notes and affirmations,
reminders, and gentle chastises. 

some of you i don't know by name,
yet you took the time to ask me to stay.
to thank me for writing.
 to show up for me.

-wow-

 all the words settle on my heart with the gentleness of a feather-

 

make my heart quicken and quiet.

can  that happen at the same time?
of course it can and it does.

there is an inhale and a deep exhale.
a softening rather than a hardening.
my shoulders relax.

that confirmation of what i needed to hear
 the gentle little push to continue being who i am
it  became forgotten briefly
 {again}
 in the roar and rush of a life unsettled.
a roar and a rush 
despite the constant practices of quieting my  being.

{this is hard work and needs to be faced with diligence}

of course i am going to quake and waver
when time and time again i awake to a  challenging day
and decide to root my feet and face it head on.

{today is day one}

 you do the same i know
and i am in awe
 of your bravery and forward marching, 
crawling, skipping, walking,

however you navigate dawn till dusk.

be it in words, in work, in quiet surrender, in prayer, in paint,
in tools and dust, in books, at desks, with pots and pans,
in ditches, in fields, with others, in solitude, in the company of the elderly or the little
or the ones in between, 
be it with dirt and seed or pen and paper.



your navigating, my navigating is beauty.

i am in awe of us all really
and i want to share my journey with you.
please continue to teach me how
by being who you are meant to be.
i will continue to.



thank you.
my appreciation for your love of me,
your belief in me,
your rooting for me 
means the world to me.
it really does.

xox
 

Monday, February 17, 2014

this space.

this space.
this blog, this open journal that has partial, small
glimpses of my life-
we have become at odds again lately.

i want to be here but find that i am careful with my words
as of late.
this has happened before and i left for a while, 
but the clicking of the keys drew me back.
i missed them.

part of me,
a large part wants this to be a place of happiness and light.
of pretty and free.
i do not want people like you
my dear reader
to wonder each time you open my blog 
as to what you will find.

will she be depressed today? sicker than yesterday perhaps?
lighthearted and creative? dark and deep?


i worry that i will be seen as self indulgent
or seeking pity or worse yet, looking for attention.

{and yes i know, that my blog is for me
 and it doesn't really matter what others think.
 it really isn't that big of a deal, 
 but for me it does, so please indulge me}


i came here each day to share my heart, my journey and 
when this blog began with my dear friend Suzy 
i had no idea that the next 4 years would be 
a journey over difficult terrain.
and that the themes here would be as they are.

i think i imagined a blog that would contain images
of beauty and fun, inspiration and love
a blog that was, well easy.
easy to write, easy to read, easy to want to connect with.


instead it has become a place
 i turn when there is no where else to put down what i need to say.
you see,
i am not gifted with sharing my journey with words over tea.
my face to face community is small.
i jam up, i become clumsy and concerned.
i genuinely want to hear your story 
and that makes it easy to not share mine.
i am working on this and it is becoming easier
but easier only in the sense of
doing something really hard every day makes it easier.

{i do wish sharing our stories wasn't a hard thing.}

 
 so i am at a loss of sorts.
not sure what to do here.
and i come asking those of you who are here faithful with me,
for your thoughts.

 shall i stay or should i go?
 
 
 
 
 

 


Friday, February 7, 2014

what waiting looks like.


i am waiting for the specialist to call.
we have a phone date that was meant to begin 
5 minutes ago.

i have decided that i am going to situate myself
in my sunniest window,
with a cup of extra sweet earl gray tea
because after all
if one needs to be on the receiving end of news
that is either going to be
discouraging, disheartening, depressing
and most likely
life inconvenincing

one can at least be surrounded by beautiful sunshine and extra sweet tea.
do you love extra sweet tea?
i sure do.

{ i also really love a brilliantly made lemon drop martini}

i am aware as this health journey continues on and on and on
that somewhere along the way i have gotten stuck in the stages of acceptance.
i am not yet full circle.
i pretend to be most days
 and i certainly work my program of gratitude, surrender and grace filled living
but really,
i don't think acceptance and i have made friends yet.
i am still in conflict with this condition.
does that ever go away i wonder?
do we need to be in combat 
with it in order to learn how to manage and live with it?
or can acceptance work?
full surrender, this is how it is going to be surrender and acceptance?

{these are not questions that have answers. i know that.}

goodness it takes a long time.

"it takes as long as it takes"
she says and i let those words sink in 
again and again.

the phone rings.
i am off to my sunny spot.
xo
 

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

what it actually looks like at this moment in my life.


we haven't had hot water for 2 days
and the kitchen is a mess.
i have no intention of cooking tonight
even though that is financially
"irresponsible"
whatever that happens to mean.

it is hard to do dishes without hot water.
also, you should see my hair.
oh my!

there aren't any new photos to use on my blog 
because i can't find the cord to connect my phone,
so i look back through old ones to use,
and hope they aren't reposts.
but i don't actually care all that much
if they are.

the living room is collecting random piles 
that share parts of the individual stories that are played out in our home.
i can tell that children have been here,
i see the piles of their books,
 the sticker pictures
 once so precious but forgotten in the transition to home.

{i will save them, just in case they remember}

there is evidence of Hannah and Cody playing scrabble.
i wonder is she won again?
this makes her quite proud.
tea has been drunk recently and 
someone needs to vacuum-
please!

the gravol bottles are becoming empty,
same as the pain killers, the muscle relaxants.
there are sick and sore people here.
we are looking for relief.
with the medicine and the juicing and the chocolate.
it isn't working.
neither is the endless napping, 
the trips to the chiropractor, 
the magazine buying.

i spilled words all over a page last night
and pushed send.
i felt ill.
too much spilling. not enough editing.
it doesn't matter though
they are words.
 just words.

i want to see my friend
and my family,
to drink tea with 
owen's sisters.
but there isn't the energy or the time.

how does that happen?

at this moment  my life
it looks messy and dull
and i find myself wanting to wander away
to somewhere else.
but i know that i know
that this is just a moment,
and there are gifts here too.

endless illness fogs up my vision.
there is no trusting the emotions that swirl in this place.

sometimes i tire of the gifts
 that come disguised as lessons, as challenges, as opportunities.
i would prefer pretty presents please.
i tell owen that i don't really need to keep practicing
empathy through experience.
really, i am done with all that for now
i say with a sigh.
 he smiles at me
knowing that comment is just me
 delayed in my very human complaining
about what would long ago  been okay to have been  too much 
but i am just now deciding to tire of it.

my cat sleeps through the mess
perches on the unfolded blankets.
i go hide for a while
there is always tomorrow.
or a someday to find these places again.

xo

 





Tuesday, January 14, 2014

laughter


life is serious you know?
and as one who spends a lot of time-
perhaps too much time
 being introspective
and in deep question mode,
sick and tired
stretched thin and fragile mode
i need to lighten up.

 there are the times like the one above-
where i just can't keep a serious face for another moment.

 {and going all the way to Thailand to cut loose was pretty awesome-just look at those pants}

or there are times when we will be sitting around quietly
reading or being on our phones,
caught up in our own worlds
and i will suddenly 

LEAP
across the room and tackle that man of mine
and before you know it there is laughter and silliness and an overflow
of so much love.

perhaps in the middle of a most serious day,
which most seem to be,
yes?
i can find myself being laughed at by one of my little's
as i read a most ridiculous story
or i may find myself laughing with them as they do the most absurd things.
{gosh i love my job-so much laughter}

sometimes it takes a very funny movie
or a passage in a book
like a few nights ago,
that found me giggling away 
without any way of stopping to 
share just what was so funny.

laughter was abundant last week
when the curly haired girl and i tried out
aqua zumba...
are you kidding me..
do THAT in a pool?
i almost drown..
in the shallow end!

i am looking for laughter more these days,
seeking it out,
finding it in unlikely places,
new places
like on a skype date with a dear kindred
{skype is very new to me}

i am discovering of course
that  the more we look for it,
embrace it,
ALLOW for the joy,
the silliness 
the ridiculousness of the moment
 to fill and flow over,
lightheartedness follows
and i will always welcome more of that in my life.

[it's a nice balance,yes?]

and those pants
well  in Thailand, they felt just right
yet every time i put them on here, i find myself thinking;
"really Tania, really?"
i think i need to go back!