Friday, November 16, 2012

not my usual blog post...

the blogging community is as vast as we want it to be
as personal and intimate and bonding
i am still new to linking and affiliating
mainly because of my lack of computer skills.
there is a reason my blog looks the same
and follows the same format each post
one day i will recruit a friend and get a face lift in this space
i was given a blogging award from
who is a beautiful woman of faith,
a mother to a precious child
and an authentic, 
words strung like jewels
she is here
please do visit her space and witness her heart.
i think what i love most about receiving this from her
is that she is a young woman whom i had always been
intimidated by for a variety of self imposed reasons
but now,
years later,
a mutual love and respect and kinship has been forming
as we read one another's blogs.
and i love that
and i know that if i were to see her face to face now,
i would gather her up into a hug and feel such love and connection.
i love that about blogging
i do.
friendships forged that would not have the opportunity to become
in the day to day.
this little virtual award comes with 5 questions and after I answer them,
i pass it along to a fellow blogger.
how fun is that.
and, not at all what i usually do
which makes it feel like an adventure.
here we go.
what is your current beauty obsession:
so right away we can see how this blogging  award can take one in a direction they would not normally go.
i don't have any beauty obsessions unless taking an unusually large amount of bubble baths counts. i am hopeless when it comes to fashion, hair styling and makeup.
i have considered interventions but am always quick to remember they wouldn't do any good because i need to be true to me.
casual. natual.unadorned.
that is me.
name one item that you wished you owned:
ha! this one i can answer because i have been working on wanting things and being okay with that!
i wish that i owned a kick ass pair of leather boots.
i want them to go to just below my knees and be flat.
yes flat.
i don't do heels.
and i want them to be dark dark brown leather
and i want them soon....
what is your favorite topic to read about?
i am currently in love with poetry.
Rumi, Hafiv, Mary Oliver,
Lucy Shaw
(whom i discovered on the bottom shelf at the local sally ann)
usually though i am found reading all sorts of magazines
which I then cut up and paste into my art journals
i think i am a seasonal reader.
in the spring
 i have stacks of gardening books
and in the summer
 i occasionaly will read  a novel.
often finds me introspective and my stack reflects that.
 i go back to magazines, craving the glossy photos and colours.
what inspired you to become a blogger?
there were a few false starts with my blogging
and it wasn't until this one began that it really clicked for me.
originally my blog was started as a collaboration
with my friend Suzy who had moved to another city
as a way for us to remain connected and as an accountability piece for her.
that changed and i just kept on blogging.
if you go back to the very first  posts
you will see a back and forth blogging style between the two of us.
she picked the name too and it just stuck.
blogging became a life line for me as i have walked through my illness,
especially this past year being off work.
it is a place where i spill out what i want my heart to remember.
what nail polish are you wearing right now?
i try to always have my toenails painted.
it might be the one girly thing i do.
right now they are...
( i need to look...hold on)
deep purple.
thanks Michaela
i am passing this award on to the lovely Erin

step by step

days like yesterday
the ones where i don't want to get out of bed
i forget to practice gratitude
and i feel myself sinking
notice only my supposed flaws and the weaknesses
i allow myself to get
swallowed alive
in the hard stuff
those days
make the next day
because i can look back at yesterday
and say
that it was ok.
it really was
 and it is just as important for me to
love and accept and embrace
the broken tania
as it is for me to
love and embrace and accept the
brave tania.
in fact,
showing up when i don't want to
and my fears are screaming louder than my logic
and my body is protesting
and i can sense my inner calm pouring out of me
faster than i can plug the hole
being present and accepting through those kind of moments
is also brave.
i am brave.
you are brave.
just by being present in our lives
we are being brave.
passed as it always does
today has not been easier
it has just been different.
different because yesterday i loved myself through
the lens of darkness
and today i love myself through the filter of light.
they need each other.
shadows and light.
there isn't one without the other.
i am learning
[ever so slowly]
to embrace both
with love and gentleness
and a willingness to show up
just to show up
and see what happens.
trusting the process
i think it is called.

Thursday, November 15, 2012


My laptop is broken
I don't know how to blog from my phone
And add photos
And that changes the format of this space
And i feel broken too.

I need to go for a other iron infusion
And even though i know they are working
And my iron levels are improving
I do not want to go
I do not want another iv in my already 
Sore and tiny arm
The whole procedure makes me feel broken

I am taking a little class
And yesterday the assignment
Was to list everything i wanted to learn
Anything at all
But for 10 whole minutes
No stopping
You know, a free writing exercise. 
I lasted 4 minutes
And i felt broken. 
I can write long and fast but not 
For that exercise apparantly. 

I have a friend who is hurting
And another who is lonely
And one who is sick
And despite all the love i give
I can not fix them
And i too feel brokeas a result.

I intended just to check in
And tell you my laptop was broken
And the space here might be quiet
But i think perhaps
I needed to ask for grace
And gentleness
And patience
As i recognize that i am broken too.  

Friday, November 9, 2012


in the
midnight hours
his snores
my only companion
i seek out
sleeping hand
 from its warmth
hope, comfort, safety
 he is unaware
gifting to me..

Thursday, November 8, 2012

proud moment.

my girl
that one up there working hard
she got a
in math!
now those of you who know me well
are aware that i don't actually give two hoots
what mark her report card shows
having watched her struggle
and perservere
work hard
for that B
i am thrilled for her.
for the confidence and pride that she is summoning to herself
through this journey she is on.
i am proud that she is proud.
that's what parenting is about for me alot of the time
getting out of the way and letting them find their own success
their way.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

it is well with my soul

last Monday when i left the hospital
i felt better than i had in a long time.
Other than my steroid hangover
(which lasted 2 more days)
i felt new.
i trusted
and still do,
the specialist when he told me to go home
and eat
live my life
put this disease in the backseat
where it belongs!
so i have been.
carefully trying to combine my foods
resting as i felt led
being energetic as i felt inspired to be
faithfully taking my supplements and medicine.
believing and feeling so much better.
monday stretched into friday
and there was a little blip.
some pain.
some former reminders
but they were manageable
and then
friday became saturday night
and there i was
in a 7 hour flare
i was
we were
this was no longer the way i was going to be spending my evenings.
i was well.
how quickly i had forgotten
the pain.
the shakes.
the exhaustion.
the stupor i am left in
 when it finally works its way through and out every inch of my body.
sunday arrived
and  stretched into tuesday
and in those pain free
energy rich days
i whispered
and i overflowed with gratefulness
and hope and excitement
pushing saturday behind me
with a force surprising even to me.
my toes wiggled with joy
rather than pain.
"i know! right!"
was heard on my lips often.
and then i flared again
and it hurts
and it didn't stop like i so kindly asked
and sadly,
last night
i realized i need
to reel back down the remission flag.
i need to hold my optimism in check.
i need to be
patient and accepting of my body.
(my oh so fragile body)
when i stood looking at Owen
with pain and hurt filled eyes last night
the human tania
wanted to rage.
to demand to know
who jinxed me!
to scream at heaven and earth
for the apparently cruel trick
of just a few brief, glorious days off.
screaming hurts my ears
and makes me cry
and we don't scream in our house
(unless screaming with laughter)
and that tania
quickly disappeared.
(she isn't the real me after all and i send her packing firmly when she tried to visit)
i whispered to myself
"it is okay. i can do this. i am okay regardless of my circumstances"
really. i did.
and at that moment
i was and am so grateful that my practice of gratitude just kicks in automatically now.
with out me even trying sometimes.
a hot bath
whispered intentions of peace
knowing that
it is
well with my soul
carries me.
this is not the post i intended to follow yesterdays. the quote still resonates for me though.
tomorrow brings a new day. new hope. new determinations.


Tuesday, November 6, 2012


-last weeks hospital toes-
"there is no medicine like hope
no incentive so great;
no tonic so powerful
 as expectation of something tomorrow"
loving the hope that is bubbling out of my soul
there will be an outpouring of words
about this change in my journey.
but for now
i am still resting in the hope of the days ahead

Friday, November 2, 2012

a gift

i feel like i've been given a gift
(hope will do that to me)
i am very concious
of doing right by it.
not messing things up.
honouring this journey.
not losing the lessons
(which i so want to share but don't really know how)
a gift!
thank you!
there is a happy dance going on inside my heart!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

8 short weeks...

it struck me today.
8 short weeks
and it will have been a year.
there is alot to consider.
too much for words really...
i don't even know where to start with this one...
and so,
i shall wait.