Saturday, September 22, 2012

so much to celebrate!

this girl
the curly haired girl
this miracle child of mine
is turning 16 tomorrow.
 all weekend long.
lot to be
grateful for!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

i want to remember

i want to remember that feeling that washes over me when i am in the presence of small children.
the connections that form with passing by babies and the affection shared with my nieces and nephews.
the genuine energy that transfers between us.
that feeling of joy that bubbles up in me while i am interacting with the gr.1's in my friend's classroom.
i go to help her, but really, those little ones are helping me.
i want to remember what a miracle and gift every moment spent with the curly haired girl is and just how far she has come since last year. how far i have come. how much she has taught me about myself and the power of uconditional love.
sounds corny i know,
but i know that i know,
 love saved us.
i want to remember how sunny and warm this September is.
i want to remember how much i love it when the bathrooms are clean.
i want to remember that there is a special place reserved in my heart for him.
and that doesn't make my heart smaller, it makes it more open.
i want to remember that the garden will be there next year and every season is an experiment.
i want to remember that i love having the house this full of loved ones.
i want to remember just how good of a cook my boy has become.
i want to remember how much time we spend watching the Food Network and while it feels like a ridiculous waste of time, it isn't.
i want to remember that these sleepless nights will pass and soon there will be rest again.
that is how the cycle goes.
it is okay.
i want to remember the promises i've made.
especially the promises i've made to Owen.
promises that move us forward together even while i sometimes need to travel back.
i want to remember just how much he loves me. just how much.
that first love, crazy love he holds for me.
 i am honoured.
i want to remember that.
i want to remember that each time i am able to stay in this moment. the one that is happening right now, i am creating an authentic life for myself. one that doesn't reside in the place of fear and hopelessness, but a life that is overflowing with abundance and love.
i want to remember the whispers that i am hearing about what my future holds for me.
i want to remember that books fall into my life at the perfect time and they feel as though they were written for me for a reason...they were.
i want to remember the sweet smell of blacberry jam that filled the kitchen this month.
i want to remember the long summer days spent at the farm.
so much to remember today.
what do you want to remember?

Monday, September 17, 2012


i am in love with my journaling process these days.
there are times of intense writing and cutting and gluing and documenting
the figuring out of my story and all the words of others that i want to remember because,
after all,
they are speaking to me right?
these are the intense days.
getting it all down, one way or another.
it was also a weekend full of family, cooking, sitting in the glorious sunshine;
there was laughter, some tears, solid cuddle time, chores, sickness.
the moments that string together and become my days.
-my life-

Monday, September 10, 2012

a shift

i had an encounter with a bear today
 i was completely safe
which allowed me to really experience him
for our brief minutes together
and instead of being terrified
as i would have been in the past
i felt only awe...
i noticed how shiny and midnight black his coat was
and when he looked at me with slight hesitancy and wariness
i looked right back at him and felt such a feeling of wonder spread through me.
i grew up with a serious fear of bears.
  a fear that was deep, consuming and persisitent.
today there were none of those feeling.
i felt no threat. no malice. just mutual curiosity.
i watched him lumber up the side of the hill and  i continued on my way down the hill
smiling at the unexpected gift that came to me.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

story #1

a page from my journal.
(i love the reference to my boys in the lower corner
sword fighting their way through childhood)
 Hannah texted me from English class
with the news that she was asked to write a family story.
what should she write about she asked and of course,
i texted back all sorts of ideas but before my text even reached her
she texted me and said
"i'm doing the albino bunny..."
to which i responded
"she's gonna think i'm a rabbit killer"
which i was. or am.
 depending on how long our stories need to follow us for with their labels and emotional attachments..
here's my abbreviated version of the albino bunny story.
when i was on my own with the kids it was really important to me that our life be as "normal" as possible and in my mind that meant having pets.
we had had a variety of  small pets when we were a family with Darryl so i figured we should continue to do so.
the logic of adding pets to the mix
 in order to have a "normal" family now amuses me
 and it is only recently that i have been open to any extra's in our family..large groups of people are enough i have decided but somehow we now have chickens and a cat and there is constant talk of a puppy... but i digress.
we were at a pet store
because it was located right next to the toy store that sold Playmobile and the student loan had just arrived so we were getting a fresh supply for Gideon
and somehow we ended up in the pet store looking at
of all things,
( i have STRONG feelings about birds as pets...strong! don't even ask)
Hannah wandered off, as she often did and ended up at the bunny cage
where there was a pure white, red eyed, albino bunny.
love. at. first. sight.
she is very generous in her love.
always has been.
the bunny comes home
and within a few months i reilize that i don't want a bunny in my teeny tiny house with four children, so he is relocated outside
in a cage.
against the strong protests of the curly haired girl.
here's the thing.
being a single mom of 4 kids, working 3 demanding jobs, going to school and just dealing with the daily stuff doesn't leave alot of time to think about the bunny.
not making excuses or anything but he really wasn't a priority
the bunny that was now outside.
and away from view.
it went okay though
at the start.
it always does though, doesn't it?
the kids fed him his pellets and changed his water and we gave him grass
and he was a bunny.
but he was in a cage
and i am opposed to caged animals so i had the great idea to let him roam free in the greenhouse.
he could eat the grass and hop around and be free.
here's the other thing.
i thought rabbits could just live on grass.
they do in the wild right?
but this was not the case.
apparantly our bunny needed pellets.
i ran out of pellets. and forgot to get more.
or chose milk over pellets.i can't remember now.
our bunny stopped thriving.
but i didn't notice because i thought he was happy and free nibbling on greenhouse grass.
 then one day it was super hot and the greenhouse overheated
and the rabbit died.
end of story.
i am a rabbit killer.
that is the story she chooses to write about of all her family memories.
oh my.
it feels good to tell this story.
to get it out there. to let it go.
to embrace the less perfect me.
it tells me somethings about myself.
  i can see that i shouldn't really have pets that require alot of care because i am the type of girl who would rather be caring for people.
some people do animals well. so well.
me, not so much.
and to the bunny, i am truly sorry.
(and to my curly haired girl, i am sorry for killing your bunny.)
yes, hannah and i text during class.
 yes, we are breaking the rules.
yes, i am setting a bad example about rule following.
no, i don't care.
 it keeps us connected, her grounded and me breathing easier.
 it is a rule i am willing to break for now.
 to all my teacher friends, i am sorry but this is a way of survival for the teenage girl and i.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

my instagram/secret message friend Mandy asked a question
 that caused me to stop and pay attention today.
"how do you feel about exposing your roots?"
i am currently in great need of a hair dye but those are not the roots she refers to i am quite certain.
my roots.
what holds me steady.
where i come from.
my past.
the memories and experiences that keep me grounded and solid and upright when the winds howl around me.
my faith. my family. my sweet memories. my travels. my mistakes. my secrets. my old stories. my first loves. my shame. my victories. my crashing defeats. my story. my birth. my growth. my encounters with so many kindreds
how do i feel about exposing my roots?
the easy stories are fine to share. the sweet ones make good conversations over cups of tea.
the adventure and brave stories bolster me for future endevours
but what about the roots that are there due to mistakes and heartache and deep grief?
do i want you to know about those ones?
do they deserve the same recognition as the easier stories?
is it even a good idea?
is there a need to travel back in time to discover why i am who i am today?
how much of our roots can we expose and still stay standing?
i am betting alot.
vulnerability and honesty are the paths i have chosen.
it's a given that roots are going to be exposed.
but then there is this small question that begs to be asked as well
 is it even my roots that keep me standing?
perhaps it is my present.
 the questions that ache to be explored and journaled and tested and tasted.
i intend to never stop questioning.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

everyone deserves a new day

everyone deserves a new day
she told me this today
as she made the unexpected decision to return to school tomorrow
and rewrite her story one chapter at a time
and i was reminded that often we hold ourselves and each other back
by making decisions based on before.
on the decisions we made in the past
and we can limit ourselves through fear and shame and
our lives shrink as a result.
she is choosing not to shrink away from her life
and that is sometimes messy and confusing and changes so rapidly as she figures it all out.
one of my deepest desires is to be a companion on the journey my children take.
i count each moment, each day i spend with them to be one of my greatest blessings
and i continue to be amazed by this girl.
is she mine?
 i sometimes wonder.
when i see her bravery,
her fierce determination to not settle but to continue to face her fears
and her willingness to show vulnerability to me
i am honoured.
i so want what is best for her.
and i often think that i know what that might be
but really i don't.
i imagine and i speak into her life with the intimate love and knowledge i have of her
but ultimately,
i have taught her to trust her intuition
to believe in her journey
to not be afraid of the struggle
(even though i at times am terrified for her. for me. for us)
and so tomorrow
she returns to the halls of an overcrowded building to change her story.
to try again.
to have a new day
and work towards a goal that for right now is strong enough to take her back.
my heart bursts with love but also quakes with fear.
i am not going to let myself get in her way.
i am choosing to support her and be who she needs me to be.
her cheerleader.
always in her corner.
ready for what is next.