Friday, September 30, 2011


to cherish a desire with anticipation
to expect with confidence
to anticipate, await and hope for

kinda like a package of seeds.
a whole lot of hopefulness.

i wonder where we find our hopefulness.
what is it that makes us hopeful in the first case?
is it a faith in God?
for some, yes.
is it encouraging stories from others?
for some, yes.
is there any choice but to be hopeful?
what happens to those who give up hope?
how long does one go on hoping for?
forever, i imagine.

to cherish a desire with anticipation.
cherish is a heart word..
one that is cherished is held close to our heart.

the word desire worries me a little in the above definition
because i am well aware that my desires
are not always God's desires or even another person's desires.
if my desires and the person i am being hopeful for
are not the same,
then how is it all going to work out?

then there is that word anticipation..
that seems to indicate a certain amount of
what if i am too weary to be excited?

when i looked up the definition for hope
i am not sure what i wanted to see.
but i don't think the above definitions are
bringing me the comfort i was seeking.
i wonder why?
my goodness this blog is full of questions.
questions that i have no answers for
and don't really think i want answers for.
i think i am just needing to put them out there.

fears with question marks.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

grateful right now!

grateful for the ginorumous bouquet of sunflowers i picked from my garden
and had the sense to keep for myself this time.

grateful for the ice-tea from sbux that owen just unexpectedly dropped off for me.

grateful that i get to have dinner with caleb every wednsday night all because
owen thought we should be more intentional about it and we were and caleb considers it be a priority now too.

grateful that there are women out there who, instead of giving advice, give understanding

grateful that one of the three bathrooms is clean.

grateful right this minute that 3 of the 5 little ones are sleeping.

grateful that kindness does indeed change things.

grateful that our couch was full last night with  our teenage/adult children.

grateful that i am learning so slowly to walk away when i have nothing nice to say. i am trying very very hard to only speak words that make souls stronger but it can be very tricky.

grateful that i understand that it takes a whole lot of people to bring us to where we need to be and that not all of us have the same style or method but that is okay.

grateful to see the sun rising over the big maple tree in the backyard this morning.

grateful that tonight i have a little house guest who is going to let me paint her nails.

grateful that i still know how to be grateful. gratitude is so important to me and i am thankful that i have a greatful heart.

grateful that i am looking forward to my future...i think it involves collecting a piece of paper or two.

grateful that i learned how to switch the comment section on my blog so now my readers can leave comments super duper easily if they want to.

grateful for my extended family

grateful. just super grateful right now!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

i always thought it was optimism...

there is a difference of opinion
in our house these days
between owen and i.
am i eternally optimistic
or just
really, really

i am absolutly convinced
often in my daily life
"this has never happened before"
"i have never felt this heartbroken"
"i can't believe "this" is happening!!
all with genuine
amazement and fresh emotional reaction.

i have always thought that
i am a very optimistic person
and therefore as soon as something
tricky or difficult or hard has occured
and been processed and we've all moved forward
i forget about most of the hurt and negativity
and life continues forward
full of goodness and light.

owen has gently mentioned to me
that perhaps i am just really forgetful.
because apparantly
our newest challenges we are working through
right now
have happened before!
but, yes, apparantly
there have been some tough teenage years in our house in the past
and we got through them together
and said teenager is now an adult
and still speaks to us and loves us and has an
 independent life.
apparantly i shed hot tears and anguished
and learned some new things
and we all stretched and grew together
and then i forgot.
i guess.
it is more complicated this time
but the question remains..
is it optimism or forgetfulness?
i think it's a little of both.
and so does he.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Welcoming Autumn...

pumpkin fields
funny shaped gourds
warm tea and chocolate while bundled up outside
fiery leaves twirling to the ground
crunching on leaves during walks
sunflowers all through the garden
anticipating Thanksgiving
(and the smell of Turkey)
candles in the evening
windy days
hot chocolate
(but i have to figure out how to make almond milk)
glorious sunshine after foggy mornings
frosty mornings

i love autumn.
favorite season
followed closely by spring.

Monday, September 26, 2011

understanding what is ours...

i am being challenged
to understand what is mine
and what is
in no way mine.
and it is
a very hard lesson to be learning
i am a slow learner...
a gentle learner
and neither of those have been offered to me.
 i am desperate
to get it right

but i know that learning
doesn't always work that way.
we often get it "wrong"
many times over before we finally
surrender and trust and learn.

there is a fierce blending
of me and her
a blending of souls
and i assumed
that we would always stay blended.
but that is not the case.
individuals need to seperate
and that is where
the learning comes in.
what is mine?
what is hers?
what is left that might be ours?
heartwrenching it is watching the seperation
feeling the seperation is almost more painful that heartwrenching
and i didn't know there was a more painful than heartwrenching feeling out there.
(there is- i think it might be called heartstomping)
and being able to let go
let go of what is not mine to carry
but to also know what is mine to carry
is almost impossible right now.
so i sit
and i sit and i wait
and i watch
and i listen
and i blunder
and i cry and i cry
and i get angry
 and i get angrier than the last angry moment
and then i start again
and i give away another piece of "us"
so that she can find "her"
and i can find "me"

and really i wish i didn't have to do any of it
i wish i could turn back the clock
i wish that life wasn't so full of lesssons
seem to only be learned through experience
but i know that i know that i know
that this is what i am meant to be learning right now.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

melting what is frozen

sometimes we don't even reilize
that hearts are freezing up.
they are becoming
hard and frozen
and rigid
and cold to the touch.
we are so "busy"
that we fail to notice the
layer of ice that is forming.
solid and thick.
what does it take to melt what is frozen?
cupped hands around a cold heart
warm blankets and tea.
an understanding of why freezing happened in the first place
a willingness to feel the coldness
and sit with it.
waiting for the dripping to begin
the softening and the melting.
i kinda imagine it like an icecube
that has a raspberry frozen right in the center.
it looks so pretty on the outside
but it isn't until the ice melts away
that i can savour and enjoy the
fruit in the center.
that is what is it like when softening a frozen heart.
seeing all the ice and 
loving it while it melts
knowing that deep within
is a heart of gold.

Friday, September 23, 2011

w,x,y and z...

weathered and worn

i've got nothing for x...i tried but no luck!


and nothing for z...big suprise there!

happy first day of fall...
and happy birthday to my hannah.
i am glad the project i gave myself is over.
i miss writing.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

that should be s,t,u and v...

sail boat
(hand crafted by owen's dad)

Tomato Love

(and so adorable this woman is!)

Vegetable Soup!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

interupting the alphabet

i work with two amazing women!
and i am so blessed.
and i just needed to say that today to someone.
so blessed!
when i worked at Lighthouse
we had a great team
in our little room
and i was so sad to be working alone
when i started my daycare
but over the past year
there has been a new team created
maria. krista and i
and i am beyond honoured
to spend my days with these women.
p,q,r,s and t tomorrow!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

p,q and r...


quacking quackaroos!

oh how we love to read!

Monday, September 19, 2011

m,n and o




oh what a weekend i had.
i am optimistic that this is going to be
 a fabulous week!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Friday, September 16, 2011

pretty images from my week...and g,h and i

(especially if you could smell it!)

(to one day feel better)

(and what I am trying to always do)

Happy Friday!

Thursday, September 15, 2011





ok, so this is way harder than i though
and i have alot of photos to choose from.
i think i need to have some word inspiration
before i start picking photos!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


a is for adore

b is for bounty

c is for content

d,e and f tomorrow...
i'm needing a Project being i am not in school right now
and i love love projects...
so i am working my way through the
with my photos.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

digging deep

sometime when i am weary,
like today,
i need to dig deep to remember where i am.
i need to pull on the reserves
that are deep within me to get through my day
even my moment.
this is one of those days.
it isn't suprising that i am weary today.
i have been blessed these past few weeks
with two adventures,
both with strong emotional connections
and my work is full of caring and loving
and my parenting is also full of caring and loving
so i am not concerned or upset that i am weary
i am just noticing it.
noticing that today my heart is tender
and i am extra sensitive
and i am quicker to sigh heavily.
i was told today by someone
who doesn't know me very well i guess
people only do daycare for the money.
that hurt.
i was also today today by someone who knows me very well
i am appreciated and loved.
that felt better.
maybe the weather has something to do with the weariness
but i don't think so.
i think i am just in need of some rest.
some soul rest and heart rest
and physical rest.
rest is good.

Monday, September 12, 2011

1000 km and a very special visit

watching her sink into owen's strong arms
still brings hot tears to my eyes

listening to her explain all about how she feels about her new home
still brings hot tears to my eyes

cuddling in the morning after she woke up and came to find us
still sleeping, but quickly awakened by her soft "ta-ta wake up"
still brings hot tears to my eyes

listening to the wonder in her voice as she asked
"you drove all this way to see ME? why?"
still brings hot tears to my eyes.

it was worth every kilometer we travelled
and we will do it again and again

Friday, September 9, 2011

Thursday, September 8, 2011

words i hear...

i don't often blog about my job
but this is too good to pass up...
yesterday i wrote down random snippets from this little girl
she didn't know i was listening or recording
this is her inner dialogue...

"i just want to see myself"
it's like a dream - a dream come true"
"i want to dress up my own self"
"a very perfect fit for me"
"oh look at how pretty I am"
" creamy"
"i'm gonna rescue myself- i'm gonna save my own self"

i wonder what happens to our confidence as we grow older?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


"it is something to be
able to paint a particular
picture, or to carve a
statue, and so make a few
objects beautiful; but
it is farm ore glorious
to carve and paint
the very atmosphere and
medium through which
we look. To affect the
quality of the day- that
is the highest of arts."

-Henry David Thoreau-

this girl and quote go together perfectly when i remember our Ontario experiences
she was my perfect side-kick
and i love her for that!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


my garden is heavy with blooms
and i spent some time
deadheading yesterday.
the finished blooms were snipped off
carefully leaving behind unopened blossoms
and the plants stood a little taller when i passed
by them with my scissors.
i started to think about my life
which i often do when alone in my garden
and i reilized
that deadheading is a way of extending the life of a plant
and my life as well!
when i snip away at the blossoms that are finished blooming
i send a message to the plant that it isn't finished yet.
keep growing
keep blooming
keep being beautiful
don't set seed yet.
and for myself
keep growing
keep blooming
keep being beautiful
don't settle yet.
deadheading is a dilemna
if i leave the spent flower
it will turn into seeds which i can collect and plant next year.
if i snip it off,
the plant will continue to be  bright and beautiful
providing food and enjoyment.
as for me-
i deadhead.
i want to extend the life of my garden as long as possible
and i want to extend my life as long as possible too
which means
i need to do some deadheading
perhaps it's as simple as
letting go of the past
taking care of myself
or perhaps it's more complicated
getting down to the root of what is going on for me in certain areas of my life
all i know for sure is
that when a plant has been deadheaded-
it stands taller
reblooms and lives alot longer
and that is waht i want for me.

Monday, September 5, 2011

love is a beautiful thing.

whether it is shiny and new
or slightly worn and comfortable
when a family can come together
and create a day of joy
for a very special couple.

our holiday was in many ways
images and thoughts to come
i am sure.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

the power of a chicken

i am a firm believer in the power of being outside.
this is no secret.
but sometimes i doubt myself and wonder
if it really makes that much of a difference.
combine outside with chickens
and a plaid jacket
and there is joy.
there is laughter.
there is connection.
you can see the stress roll off of her shoulders
and the years drop away.
there is something
that goes on with us when we head outdoors and really
experience it fully.
chickens help with that.
especially ones that let you hold them.
leaning over the railing of a boat
being pelted by Niagara Falls
help with that.
laughing so hard as the water streams down your face and your hair
and you can't do anything but accept the fierceness of the spray.
i still split into a wide grinned smile just thinking
about that little boat ride.
worth. every. penny.
and the chickens - no wonder she doesn't eat them
they seem to have bonded.