Monday, June 17, 2013

{a love note}

i practice gratitude.
it is one of the areas of my life that i consider
a pathway to wellness, to wholeness and to happiness.
sometimes i miss noticing the deeper layers of my gratitude though
because the noticing of small things has become like breathing for me.
i can feel that i am practicing gratitude because there is always
a running, babbling list in my head as i go through my day.
grateful for this, grateful for that,
noticing the gifts, re framing the hard.
today though,
there was a deepening to my practice
and it was because i allowed myself to just be, to accept the gift,
to soak up the love, the support, the quiet steadfastness that was being offered to me.
my heart feels stretched and wide open in a new way.
the story goes as such:
i didn't sleep last night.
or the night before, much.
3 hours tops
and this morning, oh so early, in an unsettled, exhausted haze
i noticed that Owen was there beside me.
up for work already, dressed but at our bedside,
head beside mine, not talking, just being there.
he was such a calming presence.
so rock solid steady and peaceful
it was as if he knew that i didn't have the strength
to begin my day without a filling up of love,
and so he gave that to me,
silently, without a word, without a touch,
just his presence. his being.
he came and laid his head by mine
not once but twice,
returning to me on either side of the bed,
meeting me exactly where i was at.
i don't think he knows how profound it felt,
because i don't think i even spoke this morning,
it was that deep an exhaustion.
i don't think he even knew that i had been awake till 3,
but he did know exactly what i needed somehow.
i am grateful.
deeply filled,
and extremely blessed.
and while the exhaustion remains,
it is less burdensome, less threatening
because i know that i am not in this alone.
not for one moment.
and for that i cannot express enough gratitude.
the awesome thing is,
he will read this,
and probably tell me that he was just too tired
 to do anything but lie there himself..
we will laugh and delight in the knowing
 that we give each other gifts of love
 without even reilizing it all the time

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

what if...

what if you just try something new...
like finding silly animals in sidewalk crack photographs
like i did above.
he's not the greatest elephant ever but it was so fun
to find him.
what if even though i don't like painted fingernails
i leave them and then proceed to spend the afternoon in the garden
digging around in the dirt, wearing rings and not even caring if i had gloves.
can i just say,
 there is something a little bit bad ass
about gardening
 with rings and painted fingernails.
what if,
instead of ignoring the lemon balm that grows with wild abandon,
i decide to take a bunch of it home
and research it and discover that is is really quite something
(amazing it would appear)
and i should, you should, we all should be drinking it.
so i am.
and if you want some, tell me and i will bring you a bundle.
and what if i decided to act on my dreams
that wake me up,
and instead of pretending they don't mean anything much at all,
i decide that they do,
and i send a hello to everyone that visited me in them,
"hey! you showed up in my dreams. i am thinking about you"
it was a letter writing morning as a result,
and that is always a good thing.
what if
just for fun, just to see what might happen,
i set up a flower cart today and decide to fill it for the weekend.
well, i did.
and i am going to fill it for Saturday and Sunday.
just because.
what if i decided to keep a pet chicken for a week.
i did.
you saw him i am sure
in some of my photos.
i loved that little chicken as much as one can love a chicken
before they become all chicken like on you
and need to go..
he is gone.
this is not a bad thing.
it was fun though,
 having a chicken cuddled up in my arms for a while.
(and weird, very weird at moments)
what if i used these distractions,
 these "noticings",
 these "what if's"
and these
"simply happy"
 as a way of staving off the loneliness
, the worry, the unknown,
to push back at
the gremlins that keep me awake at night?
i do.

Monday, June 10, 2013

simply happy

garden flowers make me happy.
growing them, picking them, arranging them..
allowing them to arrange themselves,
vegetables, not so much
i am realizing.
here's the thing.
i am far enough along in my life now to recognize some themes
and being i am far enough along in my life that i can be pretty sure i am half way done,
i best be surrounding myself with happy whenever i get the chance, right?
what am i waiting for?
i have been thinking about the simple state of happy.
and this is what works for me...
i am happy when i paint my toenails.
not my fingernails though, not ever.
i did tonight, for some photos tomorrow and it just feels
so, not me.
but my toes are happy!
i love art
and i am happiest in the presence of  children's work.
like this one.
i adore this self portrait!
just look at those ears.
more about the flowers make me happy realization.
here is the thing.
growing vegetables is the right thing to do
(for me)
 and while it satisfies me,
it doesn't make me happy, happy.
so i have decided that i am going to grow flowers instead
and buy my vegetables, other than the small garden i have in the back yard,
from the farmers who really love to grow and sell vegetables.
that works.
what else makes me happy?
i am happy when i am in close proximity to those i love.
this makes me happy.
and so when i have to be away from them,
i need to figure out ways to feel connected. regardless of space and time.
letter writing, emails, texts,love packages,
those make me happy and fill the space for me.
the phone, not so much. i dread talking on the phone.
so i try to avoid it.
this post feels ridiculous even as i type away on the keys
but i have learned to trust that what shows up here is what i need to say.
happy is found so simply really.
toes, flowers, children, letters, candy...
yes that makes me happy.
i always thought i could do my
 ridiculous diet so much better
if i could only keep the candy..
i have loved candy since i was a wee small girl
and never gave up that love.
fresh herbs rather than dried ones makes me happy,
books rather than e-readers, white furniture, golden honey,
weathered pots instead of new ones, oversized sweaters,
bubble bath that isn't all itch provoking...
flat shoes.
oh my, i tried for years to wear heels and i never felt  happy about that.
so i just wear flats, and embrace my shortness.
and curly hair versus straight..
that's another tricky one..
curly wins. it actually does..
i think it has something to do with my age.
accepting who i am with less of a fight.
what makes you happy?
and what makes you unhappy that you have the freedom to stop doing
so there can be more happiness in your life?
that's the thing right?
my life has alot that i can not control in it
  so i work hard to notice
 what i can change and do and be a part of...
creating happy moments is pretty high on the list
because happy is simple
 and doesn't cost anything
and just results,
i hope,
 in more happiness.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013


what seems like the right answer today
can contradict itself tomorrow.
{i need to save space for change in my thinking}
trusting the process.
{i need to save space for change in my thinking}
this sentence feels so important to me.


Tuesday, June 4, 2013

notes to myself.

fresh start.
build on what exists.
keep the foundation in good repair.
trust the work already done.
move forward with what you have.
focus on the positives. let the past remain there.
recognize how hard all this feels.
 honour that.
slather yourself with love.
the budget may need to free up some
"survival funds"
celebrate common ground. do not panic.
tears are ok.
forgive yourself as often as nnecessary.
extend more grace than you thought possible.
extend more.
reel in your mind.
create memories. small ones count.
baby steps count
(Teresa says this is true. i believe her)
forgive yourself for panicking even though you promised you wouldn't.
have someone to talk to.
make gratitude lists about her.
be aware of your triggers.
bury your face in the herb garden often.
say "i love you"
more than you feel is necessary.
say it again.
watch the sky.
listen a lot. speak a little.
call in the tribe. banish the judgers.
nourish yourself. share food together.
repeat after me,
this too shall pass, this is not the end.