Monday, January 31, 2011

Jan 31st 2011                 Blog #12   Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania
                  I’ve been thinking about your blog…  appreciation comes from realizing that two sides of something are part of the whole…. Theologically we see that and experience that all the time. God is great...  we know that because we also know that Satan is so bad! Love is beautiful because hate is so wicked. Life with Christ is life, life without is well..death…

     Two sides of the same if you will. How that can be, or is allowed to be, is beyond our ability to understand. Follow me for a moment down the rabbit hole. The hypostatic union is the union of both Christ as man and Christ as God. Both in one. Satan is a created being made with the full knowledge of what would it would become, and yet made and allowed by God. Not God, but created within the mind of God. For what purpose? Perhaps for the very purpose of helping us realize the brightness of God! The Gift of God. The life of God. Without it would we be so quick to appreciate the greatness of God?
                  Take the weather today… it’s -38! Lovely…lol… but sitting here feeling the cold coming though the window and after just looking at the artist you sent me a link to.. I am of course reminded of Victoria where I wore my sandals year round. It would be easy to pine away for the weather and city of Victoria and wonder why in the world we moved away… yet I am quickly aware, would I really appreciate the warmth and beauty of Victoria if I didn’t have the cold nibbling at me right now? And so the two work together. I don’t like it. I wish we could appreciate all the good without the bad at all. Yet God in his knowledge must have known our nature and allowed for both sides to exist so we would choose the better.
And so…. Without a confession ~ what is a dream?

Sunday, January 30, 2011

the dark side of optimism...

january 30
dear suzy,
perhaps the dark side of optimism
is forgetting the
pain and jolt
and grief and disapointment
and having to feel it anew
and fresh again.
perhaps the dark side
of optimism
is having a wounded
broken heart
over and over again
perhaps the bright side of
is just that.
forgetting. letting go. fresh starts
hope and joy and
so that on those dark
grief filled days,
it feels like the first
time, and surely
it won't be all that bad
and most certainly tomorrow is a new day
and god is always faithful
so really,
there is nothing to fear,
nothing too big to overcome
nothing that will knock me down
and not let me back up
if that is what i choose to do.
and getting back up and
pursuing the good
is what i choose to do.
so really
there is no dark side
to optimism...
just a choice as to how
i am going to proceed.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Jan 29th 2011                                Blog #11   Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania
So I think I have a plan Tania…. Here goes…  I was laying in bed unable to sleep, feeling so down for like the 100th time this month… thinking “God what in the world is going on?’ I had a discussion with ‘the man’ that does the hiring for this district and basically he made it pretty clear to me that unless a plague moves through the area… don’t expect to get hired! Well, I know he doesn’t speak for God but it was pretty discouraging. It was also the birth date we lost our little Joseph so all in all the 27th was pretty awful… hence I didn’t blog my negativity.
 So back to my story… I’m laying in bed pretty much feeling sorry for myself and thinking God has abandoned me. Then at 3 o’clock in the morning when all great inspirations happen, it came to me! “open a 2nd hand clothing store” A really groovy, upscale, boutique style store. I was so excited I could not sleep. I came downstairs, and started an advert and business plan. I thought if I waited till the morning my midnight inspiration might have left me. Interestingly, I phoned my sister today to tell her about it and ask if she wanted to do it together and she starts laughing! She tells me that this week she went out for coffee with her man and told him she wanted to start a business…perhaps a 2nd hand clothing store… and maybe call it ‘my sisters closet’… funny because I thought of the name ‘sisters’… how is that for coincidence?
         I swear neither of us had talked about a clothing store ever before!
So… it’s not real estate but it is a business and it would engage me. I’m really excited. I’m heading out to the library to get a book on starting a business. I’m motivated for change Tania. I’m woman… see me charge… jk. J
You’ve heard my confession and dream… lets see what happens.

PS...I'm changing to purple.. the orange is hard to read...

and I loved your blog yesterday! I love you Tania, you have a different way of percieving things that brings me great delight! 

1. a high degree of pleasure or enjoyment; joy; rapture: She takes great delight in her job.
2. something that gives great pleasure: The dance was a delight to see.
–verb (used with object)
3. to give great pleasure, satisfaction, or enjoyment to; please highly: The show delighted everyone.

Friday, January 28, 2011

definitions...and the words we throw around.

January 28, 2011
Dearest Suzy,
i just spent a few minutes reading back over all our blog posts. i see words, themes,emotions,honesty,humor,sadness,and alot more both written in our words and written between our sentences...then i spent a few minutes with a dictionary  and here is what i found;

faith: something that is believed, especially with strong conviction, a firm belief in something for which there is no proof, complete trust.

doubt: to lack confidence in, to consider unlikely, rooted in fear.

vulnerable: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded, open to attack or damage
trust: asssured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something, on in which confidence is placed.

positive: expressed clearly, fully assured (confident)
negative: marked by features of hostility, withdrawl, or pessimism that hinders or opposed constructive development

joy: the emotion evoked by well being, success, a state of happiness, a source or cause of delight

then i looked up the synonyms of happiness: beatitude, blessedness, bliss, blissfuness, felicity, gladness, joy, warm fuzzies
and the antonyms of happiness are calamity, ill being, misery, sadness, unhappiness and wretchedness.

yesterday was a hard day. it was i think for alot of us. we are not alone in our struggles. we both know this to be true and there is a certain amount of vulnerability that comes with blogging. while i am writing to you i am always aware that there are others reading along with us. it sits somewhere in the back of my mind that words can be taken, twisted, judged, mocked,treated with disregard...and the words are a part of me, an extension of my inner workings, so am i too be twisted, judged, mocked and treated with disregard and does that limit what i am willing to write to you. you mentioned that you felt negative writing your post yesterday. my response was indeed not! but, there is that external judge speaking to you...maybe saying something like "oh suzy, tania always has something cheerful to say so you best not complain!" and meanwhile, i am thinking "oh, i want to just lather suzy up with cheerfulness and positive energy and warm fuzzies...but she might be tired of that by now!" or worse yet, someone reading this might think i am fake or hypocritical because they have seen me downtrodden and in despair.

this blog is all about us working through our year together and i am going to be brave and vulnerable and  as positive as i can be because i truly truly believe that happiness is a choice and that choosing to be happy will bring more joy into my life and that joy will help anchor me through the rough storms. have you ever taken one of those "life stressor" tests where all the significant occurances are rated and the more you have experienced the more stressed you are supposed to be and thus, the more disfunctional or unhappy. well, as you can imagine,  i am off the charts...sickness, divorce, abuse, teenagers, debt, frequent moves, job changes, blended family etc...etc...yet, i am happy. i am cheerful. i am positive. i am. i am because i trust that God has my best interest at heart. always. simple faith. a child's faith in alot of ways.

back to the definitions...sorry this is so long...i don't get much adult company obviously so you get a whole days worth of
i was struck by this...negativity is marked by features of hostility, withdrawl, or ppessimism that hinder or oppose constructive development.  That right there is why I choose to pursue positivity relentlesly, daily, moment by moment, even to the point of driving others crazy. I do not want to be defined by the definition of negativity. ever.

i hope and pray that today finds you finding peace suzy.
leaving you with my hannah's words...
peace, love and happiness,
 tania xoxoxo

hopeful for spring
january 28,2011
Tania's backyard

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Jan 25th 2011                                   Blog #10   Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania
Why is life so …. You know….
                    I’ve been working on my list Tania. Here is a part of my devotions today…

Thank You for preserving the story of Thomas. We see ourselves portrayed so vividly in his doubts.
May we come to a realization that you’re pleased even in our searching, and You honor our honest questions.
Thank You for accepting us in our struggles and understanding our doubts.
Thank You for Your grace in understanding that though we weep when we lose our friends and family,
and we question the tragedies and calamities of life, it isn't that we doubt Your right to rule.
It's that we struggle with releasing our own rights . . . we're simply trying to reason our way through those mysterious valleys.

I never saw myself as a ‘Thomas’ and yet I can totally identify with what Swindoll writes.  This is how I am feeling today. Overwhelmed with doubts … wondering why things have to be so difficult… wishing my faith was more ...i don’t know…strong?
Why can’t 1 + 1 = 2… with faith it feels like 1 + ? = 2 and I always feel like I don’t know what ? is.  Do you ever feel that way? Then I struggle with even writing about it because I feel like I’m being negative..yet I feel like I need the outlet to be honest… any thoughts?

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Accountability time Suzy!

January 26,
Dear Suzy,
OK lady today is the day. Well actually tomorrow will be the day. How are your goals doing? How about that to do list? Christmas decorations? Letter started? Walk today? Laughing enough? You and I have bantered back and forth, like you said for almost a month! I love it! This blog has become one of the favorite parts of my day. On your day, I wake up eager to see if you have posted and on my day, I look forward to the few minutes I am going to sneak away to write to you my dear lady!
So, it is only fair if I am asking you these accountability questions to tell you how I am doing.
This weekend I promised to wear the "tight pants" and I didn't do such a great job with that. I had a funk and hid in bed for saturday morning but then I hauled myself out, got a new hair cut, spoke firmly to myself and had a wonderful, restorative weekend. Let's see...on the health front...I am taking my medicine every day and keeping my dr's appointments and getting my blood work done regularly. I am enjoying the "rest" from my condition while I am on this medication and mentally preparing myself for when I go off of it and what may or may not happen. Each day I am making a list of what I need to acomplish and want to acomplish and I am crossing things is yesterdays list...

clean mirrorsdo
walking video
change attitude
fold and put away laundry

not too bad! and i felt great about having walked. I also made a new picture last week. Maybe i will take a picture and show you. last night hannah and owen and i were laying on our bed talking and laughing and hannah was remixing her wardrobe for us and life was sweet. the togetherness that we share with our kids is my biggest blessing i think. i treasure these days and store the away to remember...kinda like your sunday lunch!
Okay lovely lady, give me the lowdown on the goals and lists...let's get ready to ROCK February!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Jan 25th 2011                                Blog #10   Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania
Can you believe we are almost through our first month of blogging? It feels like marriage… lol.. some days it’s like yesterday and most days feels like 50 years… lol… I’m sure you can appreciate the humour!
                   Well I’m drawing a blank today Tania. I’m not sure what to write about. My big goal today is to deal with the Christmas decorations that are in my office waiting to organized and put away. We have visitors coming for dinner tonight so it’s always good for motivation! My other thought… hasn’t made it to a goal yet… is to write 1 letter to one of ladies I need too. This accountability is killing me Tania. I don’t know about you, but when I’m writing this stuff I often start giggling to myself. I hear so much humour in my blogging. Just now Abby asked me why I was laughing… (when writing the marriage comment) Of course one never knows how another may read something. Does it sound dry, boring, ok… ? I certainly feel the humour as I write. Most of it sarcastic humour which some won’t even accept as humour… but being raised in Canada, do we have any other type? Our house is filled with a great deal of sarcastic humour! Oh and ‘pun’ humour. That’s Rick contribution. We groan, he laughs! Thank God for giggles and laughs. Wouldn’t life be horrible without it! We need more laughter in our homes. Kids are great for that. I remember my first year at LCA. I kept asking God why I was there… in a grade 3 class. Didn’t he know I was ‘high school’ trained? It slowly dawned on me. I was there to learn how to laugh again. Those kids smothered me with love and laughter! It was an exceptional year. Interestingly where am I again? Spending time in 2 elementary schools. I spent last night designing some art worksheets for an art class I’m going to start volunteering at. I’m excited about getting back to the little ones.
                  Well I need to run. I’m taking Abby to the hairdresser to get a new look. Funny, the ‘new’ one she wants looks just like the ‘old’ one she wants to depart from. She says she wants something ‘different’…lol.. now that’s funny! $45 on a new, old look! OK..gotta run. Gonna take my writing stuff with me!
Picture from when I was free to laugh with abandon…  16.. still innocent

Monday, January 24, 2011

Whispering to cows...

this weekend i whispered
to the cows
they were all the way
across the field
when i called them
they came
staring at me
with their large, soulful eyes
and i
how i eat them...
as a small girl, i walked by cows everyday
and here is a sweet confession...
i sang to them
the cow song
as i am reconnecting with myself
i am discovering that the joys of our childhood
and youth
are often still close to our heart.
they seem to become lost sometimes, but not forgotten.
i am going to ponder today
what was close to my heart when i was
young and less burdened
some i know right away!
Books! Cameras! Hiking!
but some are deeper i think
i am going looking today
to find the deep joys that
are the foundation
i stand on.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Jan 23rd 2011                              Blog #9   Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania
Confession… missed another blog…. How hard is it to write a blog every other day? Apparently very tough.. J
Well I walked to church today. The birds were singing and the sun was glistening off the snow. The air was crystal clean and things felt so peaceful. I took the opportunity to enjoy the solitude and pray. I enjoy praying as I walk… the quietness seems to beckon me to lift up my thoughts to god. I love living this close to the church & enjoy walking. coming home the snow is melting so fast because of the warm winds that have blown in.
                  I came home feeling refreshed and started on lunch. simple foods and smiles around the table. can life get better than this? We are all here enjoying this special moment together. Soon barry & hannah will be gone again. carol will be off as well. and how much longer will we have abby and kostin?   days like these are gifts. diamonds in the beautiful crown I’ve been blessed with as a mom. time is a fickle friend… it can be the enemy that takes them away too soon but today time is my friend. giving me a precious hour before dishes, naps and everything else that has to happen today. thank you god for letting me live my dream today.  

artwork from a blog/artist 'time with tashia' I thought you would like her tania

Friday, January 21, 2011

Tight Pants...

January 21,2011
Dear Suzy,
hey lovely lady, i think it is quite wonderful how our blog posts to each other often line up so nicely with something one of us may have been thinking about. for example, two nights ago i pulled out my walking video to do and while i was walking away i thought...this would be so great for suzy to do as well! it's fast, it works, she's such a funny walking lady, it's positive! i should tell her about it. and then, your letter to me tells me that you are going to walk every day. So, it is freezing and snowy where you live and i can't imaging how anyone would want to go outside if they didn't have to...anyhow here is a link to can get the discs at costco and chapters for sure. she also has a book that includes a food journal and stuff. i heart her.
i must say thought, that she looks pretty scary in the photo on her webpage!

another's about tight pants.
wearing a great pair of pants that fit reminds me of accountability.
 if i spend my days in comfy sweats and hooodies(which i usually do) i am less aware of what my body is telling me about my consumption and exercise. yoga pants are so easy to wear, and i can sit any which way and feel comfy. i also tend to not brush my hair or anything else much about my appearace on comfy pants day. this can be a problem after a while. however,
having lost a fair amount of weight over these past few months, and now having put back on some pounds, which i needed to do, i would say that i am just right. my bmi is healthy (it wasn't before) and i feel okay with how i look. i have some jeans that fit quite nicely and when i put them on, i notice that something shifts inside of me. i notice how i feel. i pay attention to what i am putting into my mouth. (one of the side effects of my new medication is increased appetite...they were not lying) i stand straighter, care that my hair is doing crazy things...and i carry myself with a confidence that i normally don't have.
all this from a pair of tight pants!
so i think that like a great pair of pants, accountability is a productive, inspiring, positive undertaking. you and i are making great strides this year dear girl! it doesn't always feel like it, and there are moments i worry about what is going to happen when i crash...and then i remember that it is all okay. progress, big or small, seemingly significant or mundane is Progress.
so, this weekend i am wearing the tight pants. i am walking everyday, like you. i am continuing to do the hard work of sorting out my unbalanced life. i am finding peace in my situation, whatever it may be at the moment. i am fighting against the crazy side effects of these little white pills. i am asking for help, being vulnerable with my family. making art. reading scripture. spending time in nature.
let me know if you decided to do the walking videos. we could do them together...yet apart!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Interjection of hope!

Dear Suzy,
This is an interjection of hope for today...for myself. for you. for whoever reads this and struggles along with us. for whoever is having the most amazing joyfilled day ever! this is for all of us. for right now. for today. i will be posting my letter to you tonight. i love you.

Psalm 42

A psalm of the sons of Korah
 1-3 A white-tailed deer drinks from the creek;
   I want to drink God,
      deep draughts of God.
   I'm thirsty for God-alive.
   I wonder, "Will I ever make it—
      arrive and drink in God's presence?"
   I'm on a diet of tears—
      tears for breakfast, tears for supper.
   All day long
      people knock at my door,
      "Where is this God of yours?"

 4 These are the things I go over and over,
      emptying out the pockets of my life.
   I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd,
      right out in front,
   Leading them all,
      eager to arrive and worship,
   Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving—
      celebrating, all of us, God's feast!

 5 Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
      Why are you crying the blues?
   Fix my eyes on God—
      soon I'll be praising again.
   He puts a smile on my face.
      He's my God.

 6-8 When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse
      everything I know of you,
   From Jordan depths to Hermon heights,
      including Mount Mizar.
   Chaos calls to chaos,
      to the tune of whitewater rapids.
   Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers
      crash and crush me.
   Then God promises to love me all day,
      sing songs all through the night!
      My life is God's prayer.

 9-10 Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God,
      "Why did you let me down?
   Why am I walking around in tears,
      harassed by enemies?"
   They're out for the kill, these
      tormentors with their obscenities,
   Taunting day after day,
      "Where is this God of yours?"

 11 Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
      Why are you crying the blues?
   Fix my eyes on God—
      soon I'll be praising again.
   He puts a smile on my face.
      He's my God.
Jan 19 2011                                   Blog #8 Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania
Good Morning my friend… how are you today? I trust the body is cooperating J

When I read your blog I am noticing that you often reconcile your actions with your decisions and question your motives. Super accountability to yourself. I think I do that also but mostly from the comfort of my bed at the end of the day. That way the guilt can keep me up for endless hours as I try to unwind. You just got to love life! Yahoo! Guilt… what a lovely bi product.
So… in an effort to be more accountable (I guess I’m too soft on myself… hence the overweight issue) I am going to actually publish for the world to see, my “to do list’. This way should you get bored and want to yell at someone… you can ask me how my list is doing! lol!!
1.             Dam taxes
2.            Talk with student loan (aka government who I hate!)
3.            Write to Margarite, Lavonne, my mother, and call Paul.
4.           Get back in a regular routine which includes going to bed earlier… still have not broke this bad habit
5.            Go for daily walks (exercise … ugh)
Ok so I have 5 to do’s. Sounds easy enough. 5 things to be a grown up about. 5 things to do and then be able to sleep guilt free at night.

Meanwhile… in the real world of middle age, no job humdrum… I am going to finish organizing our computer/office space. Had to go to Ikea to purchase shelving yesterday. Rick helped me get them made last night. So I’m ready to start following this ‘late’ blog.  By the by, my interview went well. I am going to go in and start volunteering… meet the teachers, and then they shall put in the request to district. I would prefer instant gratification like how I got in to LCA but this is obviously not the root my Daddy wants. Perhaps I’m up for patience, or endurance, or persistence training. Yipee J Of course you know all this is written with humor, laughs and giggles. If not for you then for myself! This blog is so therapeutic for me. All the sarcasm and reflection is very helpful in a positive way! Lol…
Ok.. confession > my list! Dream > that I complete my list!

As always, with love Suzy

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Closing the gap...

Dear Suzy,

i am seeking to close the gap between my deepest dreams and desires and my daily reality. that is part of the whole balance thing i keep bringing up. i am seeking to close the gap between my deeply held beliefs and values and my attitudes, actions and behaviours.
today tested that.
 today i allowed my attitude to have the upper hand. i allowed my thoughts to focus  not on what was positive and affirmative but on the little niggly things that come with any given day. and all of a sudden i found myself having a  bad day. it took a serious readjustment on my part, along with a toddler sized tea party to shake myself back. today i was immature  in my negativity. thankfully, sequestered away by myself for most of the day prevents me from making too much of a fool of myself!
i believe very strongly in the power of positive thinking, in affirmations, in seeking out the good in every situation. i believe that our thoughts are like magnets. what we think about and focus on shows up in our lives. i have seen my day come undone based on my thoughts and nothing else. i have also walked through dark trials and tribulations firmly rooted in the belief that all things do work together for good. nothing is too big. nothing.
so, if believing that all things work together for good is one of  my  beliefa how have i allowed the gap  to get there? more importantly, how am i closing the gap?
this blog is a call to action for me, an accountablilty with you so i can't babble on about these thoughts without a plan.
here's what i am doing.
 I am recognizing there is a gap. that is the start. the gap probably on most days isn't really that wide, but after a bad day, it can feel that way. so recognition is key. keeping it in perspective. not the end of the world, but room for improvement.
secondly, i am taking ownership of my present circumstances..big and small and remembering that every circumstance is an opportunity to develop and grow...with lots of mercy and grace thrown in there..lots..
as well, i am continuing to be faithful in the small things. if i have said i am going to work on something specific for that day or that moment, then i am making sure i  am getting it done. this includes things that one would think would not be difficult. for me, a huge faithfulness piece is taking my medication properly. that struggle is a whole blog post on its own if i ever feel so brave. taking those pills every morning is a monumental act of being faithful. monumenal. 
 and finally, i am closing the gap by surrounding myself with positive affirmations, words, images, music,  conversations and thoughts.
that's it. those are my thoughts on closing the gap.
i love you. tania
ps...last week one day it was raining victoria style rain. dark, windy, gray, miserable kinda rainy day. miss madyson, who is two and a little bit was standing on the little red couch looking out the window. i made some mention of the weather and how it was not a very nice day. she looked at me and said "oh  tania what a beautiful day! it's a beautiful day!"  and you know, for the rest of the day it was pretty beautiful inside our hearts.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Jan 17 2011                                   Blog #7 Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania
OK… you’re not going to believe this… lol… or maybe your will. I’m free styling this blog… Just gonna let it rip… Ok where to start… hmmmm
I think I’m in menopause.. Don’t you love that word, Men-o-pause. LOL. Pause the men Ladies! Quite funny. J
                  Ok seriously though. You know how I’ve been having a bad memory for a year, maybe year and a half… and this year I’ve had major mood swings… (Rick’s ready for a single life…lol)  and in the last 3 or 4 months I’ve been overheating and recently my heart has been racing periodically. I thought I was having a heart attack the other night. I can’t sleep and generally I’ve been really battling negative feelings! OK God, it’s not enough we have to endure pregnancy – throwing up and carry enormous amounts water… then try to push out a bowling ball out of a walnut sized opening! And now just for extra kicks and giggles we get brain dysfunction, memory loss, and hot flashes that feel like you’re being dipped into steam bath and then the highlight ‘depression’. Shut –er-down God! This loving us is too much!
                  It all became crystal clear to me today. Rick came home for lunch and I made my confession…. “Rick, I had a disturbing dream…” Rick asked me who I killed (Pregnancy dreams) and I said it wasn’t that kind. He looked at me weird and said well what kind? I whispered…              you know… a s-e-x dream. All I could hear was laughter… Obviously no fear or jealousy there. “Welcome to humanity… glad you finally arrived” Well there’s understanding for you! I came downstairs and started going over all the weird things I’ve been going through… battling this depression I’ve been feeling, and the heart racing, and recently a blood pressure test that gave 3 very different readings in a 15 minute period. I thought, my God… This is it… I’m going home to glory! Then the light from heaven shone on my depressed self lying on the couch and I had a lucid thought. “I’m in menopause” “Oh my God… why didn’t I realize it”? Then a minute later… Dam male doctor… Why didn’t he realize it!
Well Tania, I told Abby who walked in the door and she rolled her eyes and said with deep emotion and empathy “It explains all the grouchiness!” “Great, how long does it last?” Well with that kind of overwhelming emotion I was immediately motivated to come over and tell you. I know you will sympathize! So there you have it. My mental instability, my alien body doing weird things is nothing more than ‘normal maturing of the female body’.
As always, with love Suzy

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Closing the gap

january 16
dear suzy,
i loved waking up to your blog post this morning. thank you for sharing! i have a deep love affair with the written settles into my sould like an old friend. i find myself returning to written words often during the day, and always have a pen on the yea, blogging is a good fit for me as long as i write fast and furious and don't worry about who is reading, as long as i just get it out...get the thoughts down and let them go, not worrying about the reaction...then it is a good fit indeed.
so! what have you been up to since you last sat at the keyboard? tell me please, i am wondering how your day has been? what has stopped you in your tracks and shouted out "suzy! i am wonderful! look at me!" what has led you to tears perhaps? what has made you mutter under your breath? what moment had you saying "yes, that's what i'm talking about!" with satisfaction? tell me, tell me please!
here is what i have accomplished with my weekend. i decided to disconnect from facebook for the weekend. logged off on Friday afternoon and have been fighting ever since not to go back on...yikees! my pretend restaurant food might have burnt...seriously, i worry about such things, i do! So, as i am feeling the tug to log on and it is not yet the end of the weekend i decided to make a list of all the things i did this it is, uncensored and missing all the unpleasant moments that accompany my daily health drama...i listed mainly the good stuff:
i reworked the budget
listened to my phone messages
slept in twice
enjoyed time with owen
drank tea with intention
read a novel
ate chocolate
spent an afternoon with gideon and hannah
did photobooth pictures with hannah
had dinner out
had  lunch out
wondered aloud some hard questions
read a magazine
laughed and cried with Thaddeus
changed the sheets
cleaned the house
fought the old patterns in my head
connected with myself
listened to the rain
i am in no way saying that i do not participate in alot of those things all the time along with my facebook but it felt good to make a small step and follow through. that is what i think this is all about for me, this balance thing. being faithful with the little things,everyday.everyday.everyday.
i love you and am looking forward to your post tomorrow.
Jan 15 2011                                   Blog #6 Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman

Dear Tania
One might think that you and Rick were talking this week… lol.. His sermon and your message were quite connected… From both of you a real sense that God loves me as I am. Not as I strive to be or who I am not or who I could be… but who I am. And miracle of miracle, He chooses to include me in His plans… Of course it goes without saying that the ‘me’ is also the ‘you’. This simple message of love and grace is so freeing if we can ever grasp it. I remember listening to some tapes about God’s grace and love for me when I first came to BC. My friend Jackie shared them with me. I remember clearly the overwhelming message of love and acceptance that flooded my soul. I wept for joy knowing that nothing I could do, even if it were to be as great as Mother Teresa… or nothing I could do that was bad, the worst that I could imagine… would change how God felt about me. Incredible. Of course the next part of that is loving ourselves in balance, such as God loves us. No small feat to be sure.

And isn’t that what ‘balance’ is…. Loving, working, learning, doing… Going back to my  
 own goals… one of them being to gain some self discipline… this blog is helping.    I am  feeling a sense of responsibility to myself to be faithful. And yet today’s blog is a day late...
    again… a disappointment to myself for being late… a delight to myself that I’m not just
 walking away from it but pushing through.

 Confession: Not sure I will ever get things in order… I feel overwhelmed with all that I am trying to pull together. Meanwhile… My Dream? To use my time wisely today and tomorrow till the next blog. Ask me if I did… I’ll need that accountability… (How childish is that… but with not working it is easy to flutter and waste time) Bite size pieces. Reminds me of the movie ‘Bob’… I need to dig that out and watch it again...very funny. By the way Tania watched a movie this week ‘Letters to God’… recommend it. Worth watching. Invite Hannah I think she will enjoy it.
As always, with love Suzy

Friday, January 14, 2011

Believe you are worth it!

Dear Suzy,

two weeks ago, give or take a day, we decided to start this blog as a way of encouraging, reminding, sharing, challenging each other to stay "on track" with our goals. i love the new year. the fresh start. i love the thought of lists and challenges and daily routines that make for a more positive, productive, meaningful, joy filled life. i really do! so, for these past two weeks there have been very few moments where i haven't had the thought of you and your goals and me and my goals on my mind. i have had ample time for reflection, thinking, praying, reading, watching others and i am thrilled with my progress:)
it feels good to say that. my biggest personal goal this year, besides regaining my health, is to live a balanced life. along with that balance, i am seeking a positive attitude, kindred friendships, self love and some good old authentic living thrown in for good measure. these past two weeks i have made some small but measurable steps in the right direction. i have had hard conversations where i have said "no", balanced with a wonderful ongoing conversations that i am able to say "yes" to. saying no is progress for me. i have created art for myself, just because it feels good. i have taken steps to rest and recover. i have surrounded myself with positive words and images. i have sought balance for just a few days, and found it. this is good.
so i am wondering what prevents me from doing this all the time. what is it that stops me from believing i am valuable enough to seek the best for my life? that is my question for myself and perhaps for you? what is it that allows us to dream and list and wish for and pray for but not follow through with those very dreams and goals? i am aware that two weeks of "progress" will not erase the patterns that have taken forty some years to i wonder, how long will it take for me to believe that i am worth it...(hee hee, i just reilized that is a hair dye much for profound words)

here is my art..

i would love to know your progress report if you feel like sharing...i love that our goals and dreams are organic and can change and bend and develop as our days progress...have a wonderful weekend...and i was thrilled to hear that your day with hannah was wonderful. i love wonderful hannah filled days:)