Tuesday, March 26, 2013

{ i don't believe in regrets}

it has hung on my wall
for a few months now
and i have struggled with her presence.
i whisper the words
 and suddenly slip into a place of blame and consequence
 and the doctrine that i am still sifting
 through finer and finer mesh.
{less is falling at my feet i am noticing}
a few days after the most recent, noisy crashing of my heart
i am seeking out the early spring warmth that is coming through the kitchen window
and i am being a gentle observer of myself.
of what is surrounding me in this busy place called home,
and there it is
{i don't believe in regrets}
the card is slightly skewed,
perhaps the tape holding onto the wall has become unstuck.
[i am allowing myself the new found freedom of unstuck, free falling
and, not gonna lie, it is a mix of terror and exhilaration ]
as i observe the piece of art i suddenly have an aha! moment
( i am new to these..they still catch me by surprise)
of course i don't believe in regrets.
i can't! i won't! 
i, me, my very conception, pregnancy and birth were
shadowed with regret.
i was a regret.
{that hits hard, but honestly. i am fine with this statement of what i believe is truth}
notice please, i am not saying "i am a regret"
my birth mama, father, extended family, friends..
they did not plan for me or rejoice at my arrival on the scene.
i was a complication, a secret and a regret.
i head to the dictionary, warm and cocooned by the sunshine,
feeling braver than i should.
the dictionary and i have a love-hate relationship
and here is what i find:
regret: "to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment); to think with a sense of loss.
the thesaurus app i turn to next on my i-phone is less kind:
{this is not a pretty list of words}
affliction, anguish, annoyance, bitterness, discomfort, disappointment, dissatisfaction, grief, heartache, heartbreak, regretfulness, self-condemnation, self-reproach, sorrow, woe, worry.
but there is hope.
the opposite of regret lists three simple word.
contentedness, happiness, satisfaction.
yes please!
i will take the short list.
and i made peace with my art just like that.
{i don't believe in regrets}
i believe in myself.
it is that simple really.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

from brokenness..

sometimes i am reminded
that until i am willing to go to that place of brokenness
the light cannot get in
nor can it leave me and reach others.
i know this.
 but i forget.
 over and over again.
i have been locking myself up
emotionally and physically.
the trips out of the house are becoming rarer
and my feet go days
 without feeling the bare earth below them.
i seek false safety and support my avoidance strategy
with  the busyness of driving the girl
to and from work or by accommodating every one else's needs,
 and all the while,
 my personal ventures have become
 few and far between.
there has been a continued inability to speak for myself
each time i have, the response has been one that i have shied away from,
interpreted wrongly, or the very fact that i am birthing these new limitations
to free up so wiggle room for myself,
well, the protests have been strong and loud and persistent
and i am weary and fragile
 and fall silent and complacent
 to the loudest voice in the room,
 rather than labour on.
yesterday was an afternoon of extreme brokenness.
the cracks started early afternoon,
and i lost myself to the deep sadness of my heart until late evening.
those tears that rolled down my cheeks were hot and burned
 and each time a hiccup of grief swallowed me
 i felt as though i was being swallowed whole.
the cracks were expanding yesterday,
painfully so.
 they had gotten all tight and tangled and overgrown again
 yet, to my surprise this morning,
there appeared
a fresh abundance of grace and love for the very one
 who has been hammering at my heart all week.
i was able to open my arms and embrace her with such love and deep devotion.
i was able to let the light transfer between us for a moment, allow a softening to re occur and i found my voice for a conversation
that was calm and quiet and loving yet firm.
there were opinions exchanged and agreements made
(at least for now)
there was a bonding, a connecting that has been missing these past few weeks.
the brokenness,
 when i allow it to truly visit me and do its work,
wash me with hot tears and intense despair
always bears gifts
. gifts of vulnerability and love.
of tenderness and grace.
of such mercy
and i am carried forward.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

this. {and appreciation}

this is happening.
 baby steps.
i actually carry the rock around with me
so i remember.
 hardest day ever.
(but not really. those days just feel that way when i am in the middle of them)
today is a fresh start and will be calmer.
i promised myself.
appreciated so much
the comments, the personal emails,
the love that was sent after my last blog post.
 the encouragement and understanding
and the connection some of you feel with this space.

Monday, March 18, 2013


"it feels like your online presence has shrunk in my life"
a friend says to me.
"don't let your struggle become your identity"
says a facebook status this morning, 
and i feel the thump of solid agreement in my heart.
"i am going to stop blogging"
 i quietly share with Owen a few nights ago.
i see a link to a CNN news coverage
and i feel so angry,
 so triggered
 and so aware that i need to process that reaction in private
 but feel tempted, all the same, to share the clip,
get all noisy about my reactions
and possibly cause harm in the process.
and then i look up and see the little note pinned above my computer
"only speak words that make souls stronger"
and i exhale and wonder what all this shifting is about.
blogging has always come easily to me,
the words attach to the page with a flow and vulnerability that i neither strive for and rarely edit.
this simplicity  has defined my style of sharing, of connecting.
a simple, string of words that i was and am comfortable putting to page.
something is changing and i am not sure if it is because i am at the
"angry" layer of my healing, or if as my voice grows braver,
i am confronted with strong opinions and emotions
 once were shushed and soothed into silence.
it feels risky to share here now.
i promised myself time and time again that if i felt i needed to censor myself,
write for  the reader instead of myself then i needed to stop.
it is crucial for me to learn to use my voice.
i actually believe my emotional and mental health depend on it.
and as any new skill we learn there tends to be a swinging of extremes.
and that is what makes me uncomfortable.
i am feeling that my thoughts, my reactions, my opinions may come across as extreme.
and that is not the me i wish to be.
i know well enough that with practice there will be a tempering to my speaking, my thinking, my processing but to go from whisper to speaking with confidence sometimes requires a time of screaming.
i feel that my brain is screaming.
have an opinion! say what you actually think! tell them! argue! disagree!
(oh be still my tender heart that runs, runs as fast as it can from conflict)
and yet my heart, my soul, my spirit...however we define it,
reminds me that i am out of balance at this moment.
that there are safe places to scream.
  in my journal, or at the beach in the middle of a storm,
or on piece of paper that i can then burn in a fire.
 but not here.
not in this space.
so i may be quiet.
i may not blog here again.
i may, just by sharing this post,
feel the balance shift and find rather quickly
that i am actually okay,
 and not nearly as harsh sounding
 as my head is telling me
(that often happens for me)
and be back tomorrow.
i have no idea really.
i just know that i want to be a gentle person.
i appreciate you.
 and this space.
 the memories, the processing that has happened here for me,
the stories, the joys, the sorrows, the triumphs and failures.
thank you for being a part of my journey.

Monday, March 11, 2013


i feel as if i am being surrounded
by inspiring people. events. happenings.
like today,
i found out that a friend
 wants to plant a garden in her front yard
to share with her neighbours.
how absolutely amazing is that!
and on the weekend,
at a birthday party for a dear friend
i heard stories shared about what an impact
she had been to so many individuals
just by sharing her home. her space. her life.
today i watched a ted talk
and while i don't know how to link videos to my blog yet,
can i just say that
guerrilla gardening
(gardening in empty spaces, unusual spaces, free spaces)
makes me very, very, happy.
in my own home
i daily witness bravery.
my dear ones paving paths for themselves that are neither easy or mainstream
but paths that bring them closer to honouring their true nature and paths that are perhaps whispers of intuition.
so inspired by what i am reading right now.
the post it notes cannot keep up with the goodness on the pages.
and nest building!
every year i am so inspired by the birds.
so much.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

following up with The Optimist

i finished reading
and decided to write out all the
secret messages, underlined bits
all the "i need to remember" or "ah ha!"
moments the book held for me.
i did pretty good.
it was only two pages in my journal
and that is because for at least half the book
i couldn't wrap my head around the fact
that he was actually making light of himself and his quest
to change the world through the interviewing and pursuing of
when i finally read the author profile
 i learned that he is a comedian of sorts
and the light went off as to why i was either laughing or slightly insulted by him.
i thought i would share my favorite lines.
they are quotes from the author as well as all the people he had conversations with
while searching for the "true optimist" which he concludes in the end,
probably doesn't exist.
at least not in the way he had imagined when he began the book.
it's my stream of consciousness ramble  
cover to cover...
and no i won't make you read all of them:)
starting with the quote that hooked me in the beginning..
"Deep down if you're an optimist, you know that everything is going to be OK. You don't know why. You just know. It's like your little secret."
"What I've learned is this: accept yourself and accept the negative. God is love so if we do loving things, be loving, love ourselves  and let the love for ourselves emanate out, that will set us on the path to finding the peace and serenity that is possible"
"True optimism is a deep confidence that you have the inner resources to deal with whatever may come your way. It's an inner happiness which is not dependant on outer circumstances."
"genuine happiness is a skill. It takes time to develop."
"optimism", he said, "can turn far too quickly into pessimism if conditions don't go well. Hope is different"
"In your heart somewhere very quiet is a powerful and very important voice- whatever you call it, your soul, intuition, God, whatever you want, it doesn't need a name- which is telling you what you should be doing. just listen to what you really believe you should be doing"
"happiness is a loaded word. People always have a reason that they want to be met in order for them to be happy."
"Tragic optimism is an attitude, and its defining characteristic is acceptance of reality. Tragic optimism means admitting that life is tragic but still maintaining the hope that tomorrow will be better."
"you just deal with what shows up when it shows up."
"i started watching thought and any time I was worried I'd say to my thinking  "thank you for sharing. I'm not interested. I'm not going there."
"you need to trust."
"just be happy now, and stop looking for it."

Friday, March 1, 2013

images from February

boy #2 bought a suit
the girl got her first tattoo
there was a burning
weariness was present
pages were filled
snow drops started blooming