"make yourself into a project"

 

he has said it before and i don't think i listened.

"make yourself into a project. you love projects"

and yet,

despite the love i have for such endeavors,

i have found myself  still resisting

wanting to meet myself 

and my self care

at an angle, 

sideways, not head on.

not honestly.

 avoiding

i wish i could tell you,

tell myself 

why i am so resistant to putting physical wellness in the center of my life.

i search through my stories,

looking for clues and of course i find them-

the pieces are all there

and i understand and i "do the work"

because i am a friend of the emotional and mental work of wellness

 i make baby steps

and there are moments of wisdom and breakthru

but i don't really do anything in the physical realm

(other than take my medicine)

(which is actually a huge break thru for me)

until the cycle repeats

 and i find myself

once again buried beneath the rest of my life.

does this happen to you as well?

i am in love with my life.

that's an important truth that i want to shout from the rooftop.

i have returned to a schedule that i have carefully chosen

and fully participated in the making of.

i work because i choose to, want to, love to

i am doing my schooling because it is important to me.

i participate fully with my family

 and consider each of those moments,

( regardless of how intense and weary, 

how late the nights, how long the walk)

 we share to be a gift.

yet,

i forget about myself.

the physical part of myself.

 i avoid the reality that i am brand new into a remission

that may or may not stay with me.

i need a plan.

i need to be a project. 

i want to figure this out.

 

seeing the truth of the situation is freeing.

saying that i struggle with wellness allows for acceptance and grace.

now i move onward.

project strong tania

i shall call it.

i see a new journal in my future

and maybe some running shoes

(for walking)