Friday, September 20, 2013

"make yourself into a project"

he has said it before and i don't think i listened.
"make yourself into a project. you love projects"
and yet,
despite the love i have for such endeavors,
i have found myself  still resisting
wanting to meet myself 
and my self care
at an angle, 
sideways, not head on.
not honestly.


i wish i could tell you,
tell myself 
why i am so resistant to putting physical wellness in the center of my life.
i search through my stories,
looking for clues and of course i find them-
the pieces are all there
and i understand and i "do the work"
because i am a friend of the emotional and mental work of wellness
 i make baby steps
and there are moments of wisdom and breakthru
but i don't really do anything in the physical realm

(other than take my medicine)
(which is actually a huge break thru for me)

until the cycle repeats
 and i find myself
once again buried beneath the rest of my life.

does this happen to you as well?

i am in love with my life.
that's an important truth that i want to shout from the rooftop.
i have returned to a schedule that i have carefully chosen
and fully participated in the making of.
i work because i choose to, want to, love to
i am doing my schooling because it is important to me.
i participate fully with my family
 and consider each of those moments,
( regardless of how intense and weary, 
how late the nights, how long the walk)
 we share to be a gift.
i forget about myself.
the physical part of myself.
 i avoid the reality that i am brand new into a remission
that may or may not stay with me.
i need a plan.
i need to be a project. 
i want to figure this out.

seeing the truth of the situation is freeing.
saying that i struggle with wellness allows for acceptance and grace.
now i move onward.
project strong tania
i shall call it.

i see a new journal in my future
and maybe some running shoes
(for walking)




  1. I think it's about remembering the parts of ourself who already know how to do these things, probably most of them anyway. little glimmers of remembering, who we were when we stretched. who we were when we ate well. who we were when we walked and breathed! give them the space to come back X

    1. Giving them space to come back...yes! Thank you for the reminder.