March 31^st  2011 Blog #30 

Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman  

Dear Tania

I like your question…

The first ritual I think of is church… more specifically the liturgical church… like the one we are at. I like rituals built into it that have been going for 500 years.. or longer. They help me connect to something outside of my own culture and dial into something that is solid and connected to the past. Past Christians.. even Calvin and Luther who I admire and respect. One of my heroes. Of course I would like some things more to update… in particular incorporating modern worship and projectors… but I do value the rituals.

In my own day, I guess a ritual is that I come down and open the computer up and read the email devotionals sent to me. But you have made me think.. Because lacking from that ritual is the prayer that should go with it… hmmm I need to make that happen.

Sitting down this morning I realized that I did not take my medicine... a new ritual I must do. Have never had to meds before.

A ritual I’ve always wanted to do but have never succeeded in, is to drink a glass of water before my meals… silly eh.

I’m not sure that I have any others… rituals I guess can be like boundaries and I struggle with creating those for myself. Doing things in routine or with the same discipline… I guess that is why I struggle with blogging and journaling. I’ve tried it at least 50 times but have yet to do it routinely, or with discipline. I guess that’s what makes this blogging so important to my life. It’s a routine/ritual/discipline that I am forcing myself to continue and not stop. It’s only because I am accountable to you that it works!

Does accountability fit in here? Is that the sister to ritual? Is that the part that helps ritual work? Being accountable to someone, something, other than ourselves? Perhaps that is why I struggle with routine so much. I’m not accountable to others for what I do.. just myself. And obviously I’m an easy pushover. Hmmm need to think about that so more.

Have a good day Tania. I need to help Savannah get a train ticket today to go home. I miss Abby in Belize… Having some fun adult times with Hannah. And Elijah… well that’s another days talk..lol..

rituals...

March 30, 2011

Dear Suzy,

so i have notice that i value rituals in my life.

not the traditional rituals that pop into the mind when you hear the word,

but rituals that personally define my day.

tania's day.

rituals such as tea with honey before anything else each morning.

quietly whispering to myself,

"this is the day the lord has made. I WILL rejoice and be glad in it"

each morning.

the ritual of my gratitude journal each evening before i go to sleep.

some nights i struggle to write more than one or two items,

but i dig. i dig deep until i can fill that page.

rituals like making sure each of my children have had a piece of my time

and i have given them a piece of my heart before i end my day.

rituals like blogging with you.

who would have thought

and this week of not blogging has thrown me for a bit of a loop and i almost forgot!

yikkes!

rituals have value i think

they slow me down, create comfort and stability.

there are some rituals that are less than pleasant in my life these days.

rituals like taking my medicine each morning.

rituals like monitoring my symptoms, my food intake and all that.

rituals that i dislike strongly but participate in because they are the right thing to do.

what are your rituals suzy?

love tania

a new perspective

March 29^th  2011 Blog #29  Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman  

Dear Tania

It was nice to see you, Owen, Gideon and Hannah… and of course Kate.

It was a real tough week in many ways… very stretching--à mentally, emotionally and psychologically.. the reward though was closure. I came away with a renewed spirit and some definite closure in my life regarding many things..

One of the things that struck me is the relationship between the temporary and the permanent. We are so attracted to the temporary in terms of life, jobs, people etc. And yet we know as Christians that our life here on earth is temporary… yet when tragedy hits us we grieve so much for the temporary and it’s hard to appreciate the eternal at those moments. At least this is what I have seen and experienced. Though I must add that the eternal brings comfort when it comes to death. Knowing death is the gateway to the next life… the eternal life. In those moments of loss a resentment of the temporary has taken hold of me. A rejection of this time and all its heartache... focusing instead on the eternal.

So I came back to Edmonton with a fresh glimpse of myself and my surroundings. Because of many things… fair and mainly unfair, (fair is such a weak word to use) let’s just say because of life... I think to large part I had consigned myself not to appreciate the temporary and I think I (dare I say our family) had become transients on this journey called life. When things are taken, stolen, ripped away, or lost… we lose hope of life being anything more than what our experience has been. We lose the drive to do more, be more, try more because life has become one big disappointment rolled into another one.   

And so I decided that on some level I had to appreciate the temporary… the gift of life once again. Take simple pleasures where we can. Like the gift of colour. The manse is all white walls except for the dining room which is a murky brown… ugh! Once again, not being in our own home left me feeling… well … resigned to ‘no attachment’.. just accept and muster up gratitude...don’t put any $ into it.. I guess a ‘put up with attitude’. Sad eh. Shows my exhaustion with life!  Coming home I decided that instead of being satisfied with that I was going to make a few changes. Attach in the sense of ‘becoming alive’ again. So with my last $28 I decided to purchase a tin of paint. Hannah came with me and off to the paint store we went. We looked through all the colours and dreamed of all the possibilities. In the end we choose an odd colour called ‘Jamaican heat’ … kind of a salmon bownish/orange.. putting it on I thought perhaps a different colour would have been a better choice.. But now that’s it’s up I like it! My small wall when you walk in the door, I’ve decided to make a collection wall.

When I was a kid and went to my best friend’s house (Veronica) her parents had a giant cross on the wall. I fell in love with her parents and family that day as I saw them standing strong for something they really believed in. My love and respect for them has always remained. Recently a friend gave me a cross from a trip she went on to Mexico… so I decided that I am going to make it my ‘cross wall’. The idea I should say, was also inspired by another friend’s wall. So today I put on the second coat and will put up my small cross to mark a new beginning! An accepting of the temporary with an eye on the eternal, after all both were created by our father; and until he decides on my last breath… I have to live here. Live in the temporal with the passion and purpose I saw that day in my friend’s parents. Accepting there is purpose behind the temporal as well as the eternal. So I am choosing to let go of past disappointments and not let them dictate my future and for me, my cross wall with its beautiful colour will be my reminder!

yay! we are back to blogging!

hello suzy!

welcome home to you.

i have missed blogging but was blessed to have a quick tea with you while you were here.

catch up would be good i think!

so, here at my house Kate has moved in with us.

she is settling in nicely and we are thrilled to have her

the garden is turned over, waiting for warmer weather

but the peas and lettuce went in yesterday.

what else?

well, my medicine isn't working as it should and so i am back on

prednisone...i was only able to be off it for a week and

became very sick again, so back on it i went.

i have 2 more weeks to go before we know for sure

what the other medication is doing...

i find that as time drags on, i am having

a harder time remaining positive about my situation.

fear creeps in, lonliness and disconnection.

i need to go back to a few month ago,

when i was diligent about taking care of myself.

that isn't happening any more and is something i need to work on.

anyhow, duty calls, i have diapers to change and mouths to feed.

looking forward to your post tomorrow.

love ya,

tania

kindness

i had planned to blog about something else but

when i read your post and heard your struggle

with valuing your acts of kindness to others

i wanted to share with you what i feel

about small, daily acts of kindness.

kindness comes cloaked in many forms: simple acts

such as holding open a door, smiling at an unhappy countenance,

saying thank you, to larger acts like forgiving the unforgivable

and giving until it hurts.

your gifts to others are always enough. they are not measured

by some external tape which declares the gift worthy or unworth.

the very act of giving is enough.

"when you carry out acts of kindness you get a wonderful feeling inside.

It is as though something inside your body responds

 and says, yes, this is how I ought to feel" harold kushner

and even if there isn't a happy rush of endorphins, we know that

kindness is the right response.

giving of our time, our gifts, our resources, our simple selves

is what we are called to do.

i love your lent list.

i love that you were thoughtful to remember your sister and her vegetarian ways.

i love that you spent time with one of  your children

and it is sometimes a sacrificing of ourselves to do just that.

your gifts are numerous, mainly unseen and valuable.

the lives you touch on a daily basis are changed because of the encounter.

please suzy, don't doubt.

your gifts are enough. your kindness is contagious.

"no one act of kindness,however small, is ever wasted"

Thanks for helping Hannah and happy birthday Barry (if you are reading this over your wife's shoulder)

March 15^th  2011 Blog #28  Confessions and dreams of a middle age woman  

Dear Tania

My Lent Journal

Monday: Looking to give or pay it forward… Nothing seems big enough to count.. here we go again.. J Remembered my sister was a vegetarian (new since new year) and I had purchased some fake crabmeat (she eats fish) so when she comes I have things to serve. She came to help work on Phantom.. brought our fake crabmeat which we had in a Bagel. It was good. Drove her home so she didn’t have to take the bus. Not sure it counts… I would have driven her home anyways. Gonna keep looking for opportunities.

Tuesday: Gave time to one of my kds when I felt like they were being silly and too self consumed. Tried hard to love unconditionally. Does that count… that’s just being a mom.

Japan

Overwhelming! Don’t want to hear or watch more because I feel so powerless. Not because I don’t feel compassion but because I feel powerless. What can I do? I don’t have $ to give… I know I can pray.. but that seems to lame when I think how desperate the need is. Really hard to see the world in such a mess. Haiti still has over 1 million living in emergency tents. OMG!

Our Blog

Feels like my bi-daily therapy session. A way of purging my thoughts and feelings. How does it feel to you?

Event

Went to a Ladies Night Out on Monday. It was good. Had a comedian and a speaker. As I listened to the speaker I was thinking, if I could choose any job in the world right now… that would be it. I would be a speaker to ladies. That’s what I would do. That’s all I could think about as I was listening.

                                           Book

I think I’m going to write a book. Or at least try. Funny cause you know how I feel about it. But I feel like I have a book inside of me.. for several years now… weird.

Ok.. I think I’m done for today. I’m going to make barrys cake and wrap his present. It’s his birthday tomorrow!

Blessings Tania. 1 more Blog before I leave for Victoria.

Suzy

moving stories from Japan...

Here are some moving stories from the people of Japan I found them on a blog that I follow and wanted to share them with you and our readers..Despite horrific circumstances, these beautiful people are finding love in their hearts...

 

Here are a few of their (translated) stories:

A foreign friend told me, they were shocked to see a long queue form so neatly behind one public phone. Everyone waited so patiently to use the phone even though everyone must have been eager to call their families.

In the super market where all the things fell, people were picking up things so neatly together, and then quietly stand in line to buy food. I was glad to be a Japanese.

I saw a little boy thanking the station staff saying “thank you so much for trying hard to run the train last night” the staff had tears in his eyes, and I was crying…

The traffic was horrible!! Only one car can move forward at green light. But everyone was driving so calmly. During the 10 hour drive (which would only take 30 minutes normally) the only horns I heard was a horn of thank you. It was a fearful time … but then again a time of warmth and it made me love Japan more.

Last night when I was walking home (cause all traffic stopped) an old lady from the bakery shop which was totally passed their closing time was giving out free bread. Even at times like this, people were trying to find what they can do and it made my heart warm.

When I was waiting at the platform, so tired and exhausted… a homeless person came to us and gave a cardboard to sit on… even though we usually ignored them in our daily life… it was so warm

Suntory (juice company) are giving out free drinks, phone company creating more wi-fi spots, 1000000 noodles given from food company… everyone is helping the best they can. We have to do our best too, to stand up.

When I was walking home for 4 hours… there was a lady holding a sign that said “please use our toilet” they were opening their house for people to go to the restroom. When I saw that, it made me cry feeling the warmth of people

At Disneyland, they were giving out candies. High school girls were taking so many so I was thinking “what???” but then the next minute, they ran to the children in the evacuation place and handed it to them. That was a sweet gesture.

When there is a black out, there are people working to fix it. When the water stops there are people working to fix that too.. and when there is problem with nuclear energy there are people going there to fix that. It doesn’t fix automatically. While we are waiting for things to be fixed saying we are cold.. there are people risking their life to fix it.

An old man at the evacuation shelter was saying “whats going to happen now..” and then a young high school boy sitting next to him said “don’t worry!! When we grow up, we will promise to fix it back !!” and was rubbing the old mans back. And when I was listening to that conversation, I felt hope. There is a bright future

 See @prayforjapan for more…