this space.

 

this space.

this blog, this open journal that has partial, small

glimpses of my life-

we have become at odds again lately.

i want to be here but find that i am careful with my words

as of late.

this has happened before and i left for a while, 

but the clicking of the keys drew me back.

i missed them.

part of me,

a large part wants this to be a place of happiness and light.

of pretty and free.

i do not want people like you
my dear reader

to wonder each time you open my blog 

as to what you will find.

will she be depressed today? sicker than yesterday perhaps?

lighthearted and creative? dark and deep?

 

i worry that i will be seen as self indulgent

or seeking pity or worse yet, looking for attention.

{and yes i know, that my blog is for me

 and it doesn't really matter what others think.

 it really isn't that big of a deal, 

 but for me it does, so please indulge me}

i came here each day to share my heart, my journey and 

when this blog began with my dear friend Suzy 

i had no idea that the next 4 years would be 

a journey over difficult terrain.

and that the themes here would be as they are.

i think i imagined a blog that would contain images

of beauty and fun, inspiration and love

a blog that was, well easy.

easy to write, easy to read, easy to want to connect with.

instead it has become a place

 i turn when there is no where else to put down what i need to say.

you see,

i am not gifted with sharing my journey with words over tea.

my face to face community is small.

i jam up, i become clumsy and concerned.

i genuinely want to hear your story 

and that makes it easy to not share mine.

i am working on this and it is becoming easier

but easier only in the sense of

doing something really hard every day makes it easier.

{i do wish sharing our stories wasn't a hard thing.}

 

 so i am at a loss of sorts.

not sure what to do here.

and i come asking those of you who are here faithful with me,

for your thoughts.

 shall i stay or should i go?