stay

 

stay.

 

i see the word over and over in the comments.

some of you just simply write the word

stay.

  others pen me love notes and affirmations,

reminders, and gentle chastises. 

some of you i don't know by name,

yet you took the time to ask me to stay.

to thank me for writing.

 to show up for me.

-wow-

 all the words settle on my heart with the gentleness of a feather-

 

make my heart quicken and quiet.

can  that happen at the same time?

of course it can and it does.

there is an inhale and a deep exhale.

a softening rather than a hardening.

my shoulders relax.

that confirmation of what i needed to hear

 the gentle little push to continue being who i am

it  became forgotten briefly

 {again}

 in the roar and rush of a life unsettled.

a roar and a rush 

despite the constant practices of quieting my  being.

{this is hard work and needs to be faced with diligence}

of course i am going to quake and waver

when time and time again i awake to a  challenging day

and decide to root my feet and face it head on.

{today is day one}

 you do the same i know

and i am in awe

 of your bravery and forward marching, 

crawling, skipping, walking,

however you navigate dawn till dusk.

be it in words, in work, in quiet surrender, in prayer, in paint,

in tools and dust, in books, at desks, with pots and pans,

in ditches, in fields, with others, in solitude, in the company of the elderly or the little

or the ones in between, 

be it with dirt and seed or pen and paper.

your navigating, my navigating is beauty.

i am in awe of us all really

and i want to share my journey with you.

please continue to teach me how

by being who you are meant to be.

i will continue to.

thank you.

my appreciation for your love of me,

your belief in me,

your rooting for me 

means the world to me.

it really does.

xox

 

this space.

 

this space.

this blog, this open journal that has partial, small

glimpses of my life-

we have become at odds again lately.

i want to be here but find that i am careful with my words

as of late.

this has happened before and i left for a while, 

but the clicking of the keys drew me back.

i missed them.

part of me,

a large part wants this to be a place of happiness and light.

of pretty and free.

i do not want people like you
my dear reader

to wonder each time you open my blog 

as to what you will find.

will she be depressed today? sicker than yesterday perhaps?

lighthearted and creative? dark and deep?

 

i worry that i will be seen as self indulgent

or seeking pity or worse yet, looking for attention.

{and yes i know, that my blog is for me

 and it doesn't really matter what others think.

 it really isn't that big of a deal, 

 but for me it does, so please indulge me}

i came here each day to share my heart, my journey and 

when this blog began with my dear friend Suzy 

i had no idea that the next 4 years would be 

a journey over difficult terrain.

and that the themes here would be as they are.

i think i imagined a blog that would contain images

of beauty and fun, inspiration and love

a blog that was, well easy.

easy to write, easy to read, easy to want to connect with.

instead it has become a place

 i turn when there is no where else to put down what i need to say.

you see,

i am not gifted with sharing my journey with words over tea.

my face to face community is small.

i jam up, i become clumsy and concerned.

i genuinely want to hear your story 

and that makes it easy to not share mine.

i am working on this and it is becoming easier

but easier only in the sense of

doing something really hard every day makes it easier.

{i do wish sharing our stories wasn't a hard thing.}

 

 so i am at a loss of sorts.

not sure what to do here.

and i come asking those of you who are here faithful with me,

for your thoughts.

 shall i stay or should i go?

 

 

 

 

 

 

what waiting looks like.

i am waiting for the specialist to call.

we have a phone date that was meant to begin 

5 minutes ago.

i have decided that i am going to situate myself

in my sunniest window,

with a cup of extra sweet earl gray tea

because after all

if one needs to be on the receiving end of news

that is either going to be

discouraging, disheartening, depressing

and most likely

life inconvenincing

one can at least be surrounded by beautiful sunshine and extra sweet tea.

do you love extra sweet tea?

i sure do.

{ i also really love a brilliantly made lemon drop martini}

i am aware as this health journey continues on and on and on

that somewhere along the way i have gotten stuck in the stages of acceptance.

i am not yet full circle.

i pretend to be most days

 and i certainly work my program of gratitude, surrender and grace filled living

but really,

i don't think acceptance and i have made friends yet.

i am still in conflict with this condition.

does that ever go away i wonder?

do we need to be in combat 

with it in order to learn how to manage and live with it?

or can acceptance work?

full surrender, this is how it is going to be surrender and acceptance?

{these are not questions that have answers. i know that.}

goodness it takes a long time.

"it takes as long as it takes"

she says and i let those words sink in 

again and again.

the phone rings.

i am off to my sunny spot.

xo