what waiting looks like.

i am waiting for the specialist to call.

we have a phone date that was meant to begin 

5 minutes ago.

i have decided that i am going to situate myself

in my sunniest window,

with a cup of extra sweet earl gray tea

because after all

if one needs to be on the receiving end of news

that is either going to be

discouraging, disheartening, depressing

and most likely

life inconvenincing

one can at least be surrounded by beautiful sunshine and extra sweet tea.

do you love extra sweet tea?

i sure do.

{ i also really love a brilliantly made lemon drop martini}

i am aware as this health journey continues on and on and on

that somewhere along the way i have gotten stuck in the stages of acceptance.

i am not yet full circle.

i pretend to be most days

 and i certainly work my program of gratitude, surrender and grace filled living

but really,

i don't think acceptance and i have made friends yet.

i am still in conflict with this condition.

does that ever go away i wonder?

do we need to be in combat 

with it in order to learn how to manage and live with it?

or can acceptance work?

full surrender, this is how it is going to be surrender and acceptance?

{these are not questions that have answers. i know that.}

goodness it takes a long time.

"it takes as long as it takes"

she says and i let those words sink in 

again and again.

the phone rings.

i am off to my sunny spot.

xo