Friday, February 7, 2014

what waiting looks like.

i am waiting for the specialist to call.
we have a phone date that was meant to begin 
5 minutes ago.

i have decided that i am going to situate myself
in my sunniest window,
with a cup of extra sweet earl gray tea
because after all
if one needs to be on the receiving end of news
that is either going to be
discouraging, disheartening, depressing
and most likely
life inconvenincing

one can at least be surrounded by beautiful sunshine and extra sweet tea.
do you love extra sweet tea?
i sure do.

{ i also really love a brilliantly made lemon drop martini}

i am aware as this health journey continues on and on and on
that somewhere along the way i have gotten stuck in the stages of acceptance.
i am not yet full circle.
i pretend to be most days
 and i certainly work my program of gratitude, surrender and grace filled living
but really,
i don't think acceptance and i have made friends yet.
i am still in conflict with this condition.
does that ever go away i wonder?
do we need to be in combat 
with it in order to learn how to manage and live with it?
or can acceptance work?
full surrender, this is how it is going to be surrender and acceptance?

{these are not questions that have answers. i know that.}

goodness it takes a long time.

"it takes as long as it takes"
she says and i let those words sink in 
again and again.

the phone rings.
i am off to my sunny spot.

1 comment:

  1. “...Sometimes I dream that everything in the world is here, in my room, in a great closet, named and orderly,and I am here too, in front of it, hardly able to see for the flash and the brightness-and sometimes I am that madcap person clapping my hands and singing;and sometimes I am that quiet person down on my knees.” One of my favorite Mary Oliver quotes.
    surrender and acceptance, as long as it takes. Wishing you every happiness this week.