not all who wander are lost...

i have been

wandering these past few weeks.

hesitantly, unwillingly, slowly

at first.

not sure if i had invited myself to wander

or in a sense been told to.

( i dislike strongly being "told" to do anything)

but each day,

each morning as i wake up

and ask myself

"what do you want to do today"

i find myself enjoying the wandering more and more.

i have three saying above my computer

that help me focus my intentions each day.

one says

"speak only workds that make souls stronger"

and one

" check your balance"

and then

"not all who wander are lost"

this helps me remember

that the path isn't alway clear cut and straight.

the path is sometimes fast and furious

and other times very slow and steady.

sometimes there are obstacles and boundaries

and detour signs.

but along the path,

there is learning and growing and stretching.

oh,

 and suprises!

and laughter and tears too.

i am blessed beyond measure

to have a year that allows me to ask myself

"what do i want to do today"

and i am taking it very seriously..

in a lighthearted sort of way.

today my wandering looked like this:

reading a very important book that is propelling me along a spiritual journey.

doing "chicken" chores

school work with hannah

sweeping and cleaning

a winter wonderland photoshoot

searching endlessly for my bucket of gesso

organizing a closet

editing baby bump photos

blog hopping

dinner preparing

so many cups of tea

lots and lots of dishes

(our DW is broken but i love doing dishes)

staring out the window alot at the beautiful snow.

joining a 41 day collaborative

i am far from lost.

it's good for me to remember this.

my wanderings may be slower and more quiet

than i am used to but they are teaching me so much.

so much.

and i am grateful.

simply given.

a hand written note.

homemade bread.

fresh flowers.

a box of tea.

chocolate.

a compliment.

a pot of soup.

a helium balloon.

a prayer.

a beeswax candle.

a post it note happyface.

a collection of seeds.

a link to an inspiring article or talk.

a cupcake.

simply given.

simply received.

we can happy up our little corner of the world today.

standing knee deep...

(gratitude list 2 of 2012)

a shared cup of tea/coffee with owen before he left for work. sister time with dorothea. To-do list done by 10am!steaming pot of stew on the sotve. gideon's strong hands kneading bread. thesmell of the fresh baked bread(oh my) faith for provisions.

owen able to take the day off. an excellent IV nurse.the power of Benadryl. A beautiful sky. a nap. Encouraging friends.The power of words to draw people together that otherwise would be apart.

The day got easier instead of harder.The beach is always beautiful.The weight of a stone in my hand. Hot soup. Hand warmers. The photo that captures the moment. My mothers great love for me. golden light as the sun sets. So much laughter. Preparing for the chicks. Meat free meals that please everyone.

Family time in the morning. Hannah talking about her growth. Sparkly frost. Midday lunch visits from a best friend. So much laughter. Thoughtful gifts.

So many amazing email connections. The joy that comes from simply creating. Spoken word poetry. Extra layers of warm blankets. Fragile and new baby chicks. Optimism. candlelit spaces. A supreise hair appointment that I really needed. Another full envelope to deliver to sides. So many letters to pop in the mailbox today. TED talks.

i ate a banana.

indulge me...

i never knew how much

one could be in love

with baby chicks.

until today

(thanks hannah for the editing)

so much laughter...

there's been a lot of laughter at our house recently

she with her beautiful wide smile

and me

along side crooked and crinkly.

sometimes we are laughing at each other,

sometimes at ourselves

at the ridiculousness of her english or

a million other little occurances that strike us as funny.

 laughing is ringing through the rooms

and occasionally the boys

come down from their rooms to see

what the rucus is about.

i can feel it in my bones and my heart and my soul

all this laughter.

dear you,

-kelly rae roberts-

there was no preparing for today.

for the nausea

the pain

the flare that came

there was no preparing for today.

for the ear ringing

the depression

the bone chilling ache of cold.

there was no preparing.

it is just here.

making peace with disappointment

unfulfilled expectations, being let down

betrayed, hurt, a broken trust

all words that describe disappointment.

 i have been living with

all of these.

i am disappointed in my body.

true fact.

so very disappointed

and that i am beginning to understand

 more deeply

can spill over into being disappointed with myself

not just my body,

but my soul and my heart and my creativity

and all the little parts that make up who i am.

there is bound to be disappointment

when two years of medication

and special diets

and ridiculous restrictions

make absolutly no difference at all

(at least long term)

there is bound to be disappointment

when  my body continually fails to respond to the care

and attention and prayers and rest

and investment we have given it.

of course,

it is perfectly normal to be disappointed.

we all suffer from disappointment and suffer is the correct word

it truly is heart breaking

a trust has been broken and while often disappointment

is about another person, in this case

it is all me.

i am disappointed with myself.

with my body.

me.

that could be damaging

and i don't intend any harm for myself

so i am working out a plan

( i love plans - almost as much as projects)

i have felt the emotion

named it..read about it. defined it.

now i need to forgive my body and move forward.

much like a damanged relationship,

there are sorries to be said and forgiven.

i need to accept and forgive my body

and almost more importantly

i need to love myself

i need to revererate love all over this tired

yet amazing gift of a body

that i have been given.

one of my intentions this year is

to learn to trust my body again

because honestly, i don't right now.

we are not getting along particularly well these days

i know that  a key part of trust for me is reliablility

i need to be able to rely on my body

in order to trust her.

so i am working on getting stronger.

regardless of whether my medication works or doesn't

regardless of how i feel

i can become stronger.

this i can control

and so my plan has been just that

each day

i am doing something physical to make my body stronger

so that i can trust her to carry me wherever i need to go.

" disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal;

it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it."

-Eliza Taylor-