making peace with disappointment

unfulfilled expectations, being let down

betrayed, hurt, a broken trust

all words that describe disappointment.

 i have been living with

all of these.

i am disappointed in my body.

true fact.

so very disappointed

and that i am beginning to understand

 more deeply

can spill over into being disappointed with myself

not just my body,

but my soul and my heart and my creativity

and all the little parts that make up who i am.

there is bound to be disappointment

when two years of medication

and special diets

and ridiculous restrictions

make absolutly no difference at all

(at least long term)

there is bound to be disappointment

when  my body continually fails to respond to the care

and attention and prayers and rest

and investment we have given it.

of course,

it is perfectly normal to be disappointed.

we all suffer from disappointment and suffer is the correct word

it truly is heart breaking

a trust has been broken and while often disappointment

is about another person, in this case

it is all me.

i am disappointed with myself.

with my body.

me.

that could be damaging

and i don't intend any harm for myself

so i am working out a plan

( i love plans - almost as much as projects)

i have felt the emotion

named it..read about it. defined it.

now i need to forgive my body and move forward.

much like a damanged relationship,

there are sorries to be said and forgiven.

i need to accept and forgive my body

and almost more importantly

i need to love myself

i need to revererate love all over this tired

yet amazing gift of a body

that i have been given.

one of my intentions this year is

to learn to trust my body again

because honestly, i don't right now.

we are not getting along particularly well these days

i know that  a key part of trust for me is reliablility

i need to be able to rely on my body

in order to trust her.

so i am working on getting stronger.

regardless of whether my medication works or doesn't

regardless of how i feel

i can become stronger.

this i can control

and so my plan has been just that

each day

i am doing something physical to make my body stronger

so that i can trust her to carry me wherever i need to go.

" disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal;

it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it."

-Eliza Taylor-