Monday, January 9, 2012

making peace with disappointment

unfulfilled expectations, being let down
betrayed, hurt, a broken trust

all words that describe disappointment.
 i have been living with
all of these.
i am disappointed in my body.
true fact.
so very disappointed
and that i am beginning to understand
 more deeply
can spill over into being disappointed with myself
not just my body,
but my soul and my heart and my creativity
and all the little parts that make up who i am.

there is bound to be disappointment
when two years of medication
and special diets
and ridiculous restrictions
make absolutly no difference at all
(at least long term)
there is bound to be disappointment
when  my body continually fails to respond to the care
and attention and prayers and rest
and investment we have given it.

of course,

it is perfectly normal to be disappointed.
we all suffer from disappointment and suffer is the correct word
it truly is heart breaking
a trust has been broken and while often disappointment
is about another person, in this case
it is all me.
i am disappointed with myself.
with my body.

that could be damaging
and i don't intend any harm for myself
so i am working out a plan
( i love plans - almost as much as projects)

i have felt the emotion
named about it. defined it.
now i need to forgive my body and move forward.
much like a damanged relationship,
there are sorries to be said and forgiven.
i need to accept and forgive my body
and almost more importantly

i need to love myself
i need to revererate love all over this tired
yet amazing gift of a body
that i have been given.

one of my intentions this year is
to learn to trust my body again
because honestly, i don't right now.
we are not getting along particularly well these days
i know that  a key part of trust for me is reliablility
i need to be able to rely on my body
in order to trust her.
so i am working on getting stronger.
regardless of whether my medication works or doesn't
regardless of how i feel
i can become stronger.
this i can control
and so my plan has been just that
each day
i am doing something physical to make my body stronger
so that i can trust her to carry me wherever i need to go.

" disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal;
it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it."
-Eliza Taylor-

1 comment:

  1. I like the quote you close I'll have to find out who Eliza Taylor is. Here's another that made me think of you:

    "The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul." - G. K. Chesterton.