not my usual blog post...

 

the blogging community is as vast as we want it to be

or

as personal and intimate and bonding

and

i am still new to linking and affiliating

mainly because of my lack of computer skills.

there is a reason my blog looks the same

and follows the same format each post

 

one day i will recruit a friend and get a face lift in this space

 

today,

i was given a blogging award from

Michaela

who is a beautiful woman of faith,

a mother to a precious child

and an authentic, 

words strung like jewels

 blogger.

 

she is here

please do visit her space and witness her heart.

 

i think what i love most about receiving this from her

is that she is a young woman whom i had always been

intimidated by for a variety of self imposed reasons

but now,

years later,

a mutual love and respect and kinship has been forming

as we read one another's blogs.

and i love that

and i know that if i were to see her face to face now,

i would gather her up into a hug and feel such love and connection.

 

i love that about blogging

i do.

friendships forged that would not have the opportunity to become

in the day to day.

 

this little virtual award comes with 5 questions and after I answer them,

i pass it along to a fellow blogger.

how fun is that.

and, not at all what i usually do

which makes it feel like an adventure.

 

here we go.

 

what is your current beauty obsession:

so right away we can see how this blogging  award can take one in a direction they would not normally go.

i don't have any beauty obsessions unless taking an unusually large amount of bubble baths counts. i am hopeless when it comes to fashion, hair styling and makeup.

i have considered interventions but am always quick to remember they wouldn't do any good because i need to be true to me.

casual. natual.unadorned.

that is me.

 

name one item that you wished you owned:

 

ha! this one i can answer because i have been working on wanting things and being okay with that!

i wish that i owned a kick ass pair of leather boots.

i want them to go to just below my knees and be flat.

yes flat.

i don't do heels.

ever.

and i want them to be dark dark brown leather

and i want them soon....

 

what is your favorite topic to read about?

 

i am currently in love with poetry.

Rumi, Hafiv, Mary Oliver,

Lucy Shaw

(whom i discovered on the bottom shelf at the local sally ann)

 

usually though i am found reading all sorts of magazines

which I then cut up and paste into my art journals

 

i think i am a seasonal reader.

in the spring

 i have stacks of gardening books

and in the summer

 i occasionaly will read  a novel.

autumn 

often finds me introspective and my stack reflects that.

winter

 i go back to magazines, craving the glossy photos and colours.

 

what inspired you to become a blogger?

 

there were a few false starts with my blogging

and it wasn't until this one began that it really clicked for me.

originally my blog was started as a collaboration

with my friend Suzy who had moved to another city

as a way for us to remain connected and as an accountability piece for her.

that changed and i just kept on blogging.

if you go back to the very first  posts

you will see a back and forth blogging style between the two of us.

she picked the name too and it just stuck.

blogging became a life line for me as i have walked through my illness,

especially this past year being off work.

it is a place where i spill out what i want my heart to remember.

 

what nail polish are you wearing right now?

 

i try to always have my toenails painted.

it might be the one girly thing i do.

right now they are...

( i need to look...hold on)

deep purple.

 

that.was.fun.

 

thanks Michaela

 

i am passing this award on to the lovely Erin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

step by step

 

days like yesterday

the ones where i don't want to get out of bed

and

i forget to practice gratitude

and i feel myself sinking

and

notice only my supposed flaws and the weaknesses

and

i allow myself to get

 {almost}

swallowed alive

in the hard stuff

 

those days

make the next day

sweeter.

 

because i can look back at yesterday

and say

that it was ok.

it really was

 and it is just as important for me to

love and accept and embrace

the broken tania

as it is for me to

love and embrace and accept the

brave tania.

 

in fact,

showing up when i don't want to

and my fears are screaming louder than my logic

and my body is protesting

and i can sense my inner calm pouring out of me

faster than i can plug the hole

 

being present and accepting through those kind of moments

is also brave.

 

i am brave.

you are brave.

just by being present in our lives

we are being brave.

 

yesterday

passed as it always does

and

today has not been easier

it has just been different.

different because yesterday i loved myself through

the lens of darkness

and today i love myself through the filter of light.

 

they need each other.

shadows and light.

there isn't one without the other.

 

i am learning

[ever so slowly]

to embrace both

with love and gentleness

and a willingness to show up

just to show up

and see what happens.

 

trusting the process

i think it is called.

 

 

Broken

My laptop is broken

I don't know how to blog from my phone

And add photos

And that changes the format of this space

And i feel broken too.

Today 

I need to go for a other iron infusion

And even though i know they are working

And my iron levels are improving

I do not want to go

I do not want another iv in my already 

Sore and tiny arm

The whole procedure makes me feel broken

I am taking a little class

And yesterday the assignment

Was to list everything i wanted to learn

Anything at all

But for 10 whole minutes

No stopping

You know, a free writing exercise. 

I lasted 4 minutes

And i felt broken. 

I can write long and fast but not 

For that exercise apparantly. 

I have a friend who is hurting

And another who is lonely

And one who is sick

And despite all the love i give

I can not fix them

And i too feel brokeas a result.

I intended just to check in

And tell you my laptop was broken

And the space here might be quiet

But i think perhaps

I needed to ask for grace

And gentleness

And patience

As i recognize that i am broken too.  

sometimes

 

sometimes

in the

midnight hours

 

his snores

my only companion

 

i seek out

his

sleeping hand

 

extracting

 from its warmth

 

hope, comfort, safety

 

offerings

 he is unaware

gifting to me..

proud moment.

 

my girl

that one up there working hard

she got a

B

in math!

 

now those of you who know me well

are aware that i don't actually give two hoots

what mark her report card shows

 

but

having watched her struggle

and perservere

and

work hard

for that B

 

well,

i am thrilled for her.

for the confidence and pride that she is summoning to herself

through this journey she is on.

i am proud that she is proud.

really,

that's what parenting is about for me alot of the time

 

getting out of the way and letting them find their own success

their way.

 

xoxoxo

 

it is well with my soul

 

last Monday when i left the hospital

i felt better than i had in a long time.

Other than my steroid hangover

(which lasted 2 more days)

i felt new.

i trusted

and still do,

the specialist when he told me to go home

and eat

live my life

put this disease in the backseat

where it belongs!

 

so i have been.

carefully trying to combine my foods

resting as i felt led

being energetic as i felt inspired to be

faithfully taking my supplements and medicine.

 

believing and feeling so much better.

monday stretched into friday

and there was a little blip.

some pain.

some former reminders

but they were manageable

and then

friday became saturday night

and there i was

in a 7 hour flare

 

i was

we were

shaken.

 

this was no longer the way i was going to be spending my evenings.

i was well.

remember?

 

how quickly i had forgotten

the pain.

the shakes.

the exhaustion.

the stupor i am left in

 when it finally works its way through and out every inch of my body.

 

sunday arrived

calm

and  stretched into tuesday

and in those pain free

energy rich days

i whispered

 

remission

 

and i overflowed with gratefulness

and hope and excitement

 

pushing saturday behind me

with a force surprising even to me.

 

my toes wiggled with joy

rather than pain.

and

"i know! right!"

was heard on my lips often.

 

and then i flared again

and it hurts

and it didn't stop like i so kindly asked

 

and sadly,

last night

i realized i need

to reel back down the remission flag.

i need to hold my optimism in check.

i need to be

(more)

patient and accepting of my body.

(my oh so fragile body)

 

when i stood looking at Owen

with pain and hurt filled eyes last night

the human tania

wanted to rage.

to demand to know

who jinxed me!

to scream at heaven and earth

for the apparently cruel trick

of just a few brief, glorious days off.

 

but

screaming hurts my ears

and makes me cry

and we don't scream in our house

(unless screaming with laughter)

and that tania

quickly disappeared.

(she isn't the real me after all and i send her packing firmly when she tried to visit)

 

i whispered to myself

"it is okay. i can do this. i am okay regardless of my circumstances"

 

really. i did.

and at that moment

i was and am so grateful that my practice of gratitude just kicks in automatically now.

with out me even trying sometimes.

 

a hot bath

whispered intentions of peace

knowing that

it is

well with my soul

 

carries me.

 

 

this is not the post i intended to follow yesterdays. the quote still resonates for me though.

tomorrow brings a new day. new hope. new determinations.

 

 

 

 

 

 

words

-last weeks hospital toes-

 

"there is no medicine like hope

no incentive so great;

and

no tonic so powerful

 as expectation of something tomorrow"

 

loving the hope that is bubbling out of my soul

soon,

there will be an outpouring of words

about this change in my journey.

soon.

but for now

i am still resting in the hope of the days ahead

 

 

(images)

 

 

 

a gift

 

i feel like i've been given a gift

(hope will do that to me)

 

and

i am very concious

of doing right by it.

not messing things up.

honouring this journey.

 

not losing the lessons

(which i so want to share but don't really know how)

 

a gift!

thank you!

there is a happy dance going on inside my heart!

8 short weeks...

 

it struck me today.

8 short weeks

and it will have been a year.

 

http://thedreamsandconfessions.blogspot.ca/2011/11/i-am-giving-myself-gift.html

 

there is alot to consider.

too much for words really...

i don't even know where to start with this one...

and so,

i shall wait.