it is well with my soul

 

last Monday when i left the hospital

i felt better than i had in a long time.

Other than my steroid hangover

(which lasted 2 more days)

i felt new.

i trusted

and still do,

the specialist when he told me to go home

and eat

live my life

put this disease in the backseat

where it belongs!

 

so i have been.

carefully trying to combine my foods

resting as i felt led

being energetic as i felt inspired to be

faithfully taking my supplements and medicine.

 

believing and feeling so much better.

monday stretched into friday

and there was a little blip.

some pain.

some former reminders

but they were manageable

and then

friday became saturday night

and there i was

in a 7 hour flare

 

i was

we were

shaken.

 

this was no longer the way i was going to be spending my evenings.

i was well.

remember?

 

how quickly i had forgotten

the pain.

the shakes.

the exhaustion.

the stupor i am left in

 when it finally works its way through and out every inch of my body.

 

sunday arrived

calm

and  stretched into tuesday

and in those pain free

energy rich days

i whispered

 

remission

 

and i overflowed with gratefulness

and hope and excitement

 

pushing saturday behind me

with a force surprising even to me.

 

my toes wiggled with joy

rather than pain.

and

"i know! right!"

was heard on my lips often.

 

and then i flared again

and it hurts

and it didn't stop like i so kindly asked

 

and sadly,

last night

i realized i need

to reel back down the remission flag.

i need to hold my optimism in check.

i need to be

(more)

patient and accepting of my body.

(my oh so fragile body)

 

when i stood looking at Owen

with pain and hurt filled eyes last night

the human tania

wanted to rage.

to demand to know

who jinxed me!

to scream at heaven and earth

for the apparently cruel trick

of just a few brief, glorious days off.

 

but

screaming hurts my ears

and makes me cry

and we don't scream in our house

(unless screaming with laughter)

and that tania

quickly disappeared.

(she isn't the real me after all and i send her packing firmly when she tried to visit)

 

i whispered to myself

"it is okay. i can do this. i am okay regardless of my circumstances"

 

really. i did.

and at that moment

i was and am so grateful that my practice of gratitude just kicks in automatically now.

with out me even trying sometimes.

 

a hot bath

whispered intentions of peace

knowing that

it is

well with my soul

 

carries me.

 

 

this is not the post i intended to follow yesterdays. the quote still resonates for me though.

tomorrow brings a new day. new hope. new determinations.