last Monday when i left the hospital
i felt better than i had in a long time.
Other than my steroid hangover
(which lasted 2 more days)
i felt new.
and still do,
the specialist when he told me to go home
live my life
put this disease in the backseat
where it belongs!
so i have been.
carefully trying to combine my foods
resting as i felt led
being energetic as i felt inspired to be
faithfully taking my supplements and medicine.
believing and feeling so much better.
monday stretched into friday
and there was a little blip.
some former reminders
but they were manageable
friday became saturday night
and there i was
in a 7 hour flare
this was no longer the way i was going to be spending my evenings.
i was well.
how quickly i had forgotten
the stupor i am left in
when it finally works its way through and out every inch of my body.
and stretched into tuesday
and in those pain free
energy rich days
and i overflowed with gratefulness
and hope and excitement
pushing saturday behind me
with a force surprising even to me.
my toes wiggled with joy
rather than pain.
"i know! right!"
was heard on my lips often.
and then i flared again
and it hurts
and it didn't stop like i so kindly asked
i realized i need
to reel back down the remission flag.
i need to hold my optimism in check.
i need to be
patient and accepting of my body.
(my oh so fragile body)
when i stood looking at Owen
with pain and hurt filled eyes last night
the human tania
wanted to rage.
to demand to know
who jinxed me!
to scream at heaven and earth
for the apparently cruel trick
of just a few brief, glorious days off.
screaming hurts my ears
and makes me cry
and we don't scream in our house
(unless screaming with laughter)
and that tania
(she isn't the real me after all and i send her packing firmly when she tried to visit)
i whispered to myself
"it is okay. i can do this. i am okay regardless of my circumstances"
really. i did.
and at that moment
i was and am so grateful that my practice of gratitude just kicks in automatically now.
with out me even trying sometimes.
a hot bath
whispered intentions of peace
well with my soul
this is not the post i intended to follow yesterdays. the quote still resonates for me though.
tomorrow brings a new day. new hope. new determinations.