Tuesday, March 26, 2013

{ i don't believe in regrets}

it has hung on my wall
for a few months now
and i have struggled with her presence.
i whisper the words
 and suddenly slip into a place of blame and consequence
 and the doctrine that i am still sifting
 through finer and finer mesh.
{less is falling at my feet i am noticing}
a few days after the most recent, noisy crashing of my heart
i am seeking out the early spring warmth that is coming through the kitchen window
and i am being a gentle observer of myself.
of what is surrounding me in this busy place called home,
and there it is
{i don't believe in regrets}
the card is slightly skewed,
perhaps the tape holding onto the wall has become unstuck.
[i am allowing myself the new found freedom of unstuck, free falling
and, not gonna lie, it is a mix of terror and exhilaration ]
as i observe the piece of art i suddenly have an aha! moment
( i am new to these..they still catch me by surprise)
of course i don't believe in regrets.
i can't! i won't! 
i, me, my very conception, pregnancy and birth were
shadowed with regret.
i was a regret.
{that hits hard, but honestly. i am fine with this statement of what i believe is truth}
notice please, i am not saying "i am a regret"
my birth mama, father, extended family, friends..
they did not plan for me or rejoice at my arrival on the scene.
i was a complication, a secret and a regret.
i head to the dictionary, warm and cocooned by the sunshine,
feeling braver than i should.
the dictionary and i have a love-hate relationship
and here is what i find:
regret: "to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment); to think with a sense of loss.
the thesaurus app i turn to next on my i-phone is less kind:
{this is not a pretty list of words}
affliction, anguish, annoyance, bitterness, discomfort, disappointment, dissatisfaction, grief, heartache, heartbreak, regretfulness, self-condemnation, self-reproach, sorrow, woe, worry.
but there is hope.
the opposite of regret lists three simple word.
contentedness, happiness, satisfaction.
yes please!
i will take the short list.
and i made peace with my art just like that.
{i don't believe in regrets}
i believe in myself.
it is that simple really.

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