{ i don't believe in regrets}

 

it has hung on my wall

for a few months now

and i have struggled with her presence.

i whisper the words

 and suddenly slip into a place of blame and consequence

 and the doctrine that i am still sifting

 through finer and finer mesh.

{less is falling at my feet i am noticing}

 

today,

a few days after the most recent, noisy crashing of my heart

i am seeking out the early spring warmth that is coming through the kitchen window

and i am being a gentle observer of myself.

of what is surrounding me in this busy place called home,

and there it is

 

{i don't believe in regrets}

 

the card is slightly skewed,

perhaps the tape holding onto the wall has become unstuck.

 

[i am allowing myself the new found freedom of unstuck, free falling

and, not gonna lie, it is a mix of terror and exhilaration ]

 

as i observe the piece of art i suddenly have an aha! moment

( i am new to these..they still catch me by surprise)

 

of course i don't believe in regrets.

i can't! i won't! 

i, me, my very conception, pregnancy and birth were

shadowed with regret.

 

i was a regret.

 

{that hits hard, but honestly. i am fine with this statement of what i believe is truth}

 

notice please, i am not saying "i am a regret"

 

my birth mama, father, extended family, friends..

they did not plan for me or rejoice at my arrival on the scene.

i was a complication, a secret and a regret.

 

i head to the dictionary, warm and cocooned by the sunshine,

feeling braver than i should.

the dictionary and i have a love-hate relationship

and here is what i find:

 

 

regret: "to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment); to think with a sense of loss.

 

the thesaurus app i turn to next on my i-phone is less kind:

 

{this is not a pretty list of words}

 

affliction, anguish, annoyance, bitterness, discomfort, disappointment, dissatisfaction, grief, heartache, heartbreak, regretfulness, self-condemnation, self-reproach, sorrow, woe, worry.

 

 

but there is hope.

the opposite of regret lists three simple word.

 

contentedness, happiness, satisfaction.

 

yes please!

i will take the short list.

 

and i made peace with my art just like that.

 

{i don't believe in regrets}

i believe in myself.

 

it is that simple really.

 

art by http://www.messycanvas.com/