shifting.

 

"it feels like your online presence has shrunk in my life"

a friend says to me.

"don't let your struggle become your identity"

says a facebook status this morning, 

and i feel the thump of solid agreement in my heart.

"i am going to stop blogging"

 i quietly share with Owen a few nights ago.

i see a link to a CNN news coverage

and i feel so angry,

 so triggered

 and so aware that i need to process that reaction in private

 but feel tempted, all the same, to share the clip,

get all noisy about my reactions

and possibly cause harm in the process.

 

and then i look up and see the little note pinned above my computer

"only speak words that make souls stronger"

and i exhale and wonder what all this shifting is about.

 

blogging has always come easily to me,

the words attach to the page with a flow and vulnerability that i neither strive for and rarely edit.

this simplicity  has defined my style of sharing, of connecting.

a simple, string of words that i was and am comfortable putting to page.

 

something is changing and i am not sure if it is because i am at the

"angry" layer of my healing, or if as my voice grows braver,

i am confronted with strong opinions and emotions

 once were shushed and soothed into silence.

 

it feels risky to share here now.

i promised myself time and time again that if i felt i needed to censor myself,

write for  the reader instead of myself then i needed to stop.

 

it is crucial for me to learn to use my voice.

i actually believe my emotional and mental health depend on it.

and as any new skill we learn there tends to be a swinging of extremes.

and that is what makes me uncomfortable.

i am feeling that my thoughts, my reactions, my opinions may come across as extreme.

and that is not the me i wish to be.

i know well enough that with practice there will be a tempering to my speaking, my thinking, my processing but to go from whisper to speaking with confidence sometimes requires a time of screaming.

 

i feel that my brain is screaming.

have an opinion! say what you actually think! tell them! argue! disagree!

 

(oh be still my tender heart that runs, runs as fast as it can from conflict)

 

and yet my heart, my soul, my spirit...however we define it,

reminds me that i am out of balance at this moment.

that there are safe places to scream.

  in my journal, or at the beach in the middle of a storm,

or on piece of paper that i can then burn in a fire.

 but not here.

not in this space.

 

so i may be quiet.

i may not blog here again.

i may, just by sharing this post,

feel the balance shift and find rather quickly

that i am actually okay,

 and not nearly as harsh sounding

 as my head is telling me

(that often happens for me)

and be back tomorrow.

i have no idea really.

 

i just know that i want to be a gentle person.

always.

 

i appreciate you.

 and this space.

 the memories, the processing that has happened here for me,

the stories, the joys, the sorrows, the triumphs and failures.

thank you for being a part of my journey.