Monday, March 18, 2013


"it feels like your online presence has shrunk in my life"
a friend says to me.
"don't let your struggle become your identity"
says a facebook status this morning, 
and i feel the thump of solid agreement in my heart.
"i am going to stop blogging"
 i quietly share with Owen a few nights ago.
i see a link to a CNN news coverage
and i feel so angry,
 so triggered
 and so aware that i need to process that reaction in private
 but feel tempted, all the same, to share the clip,
get all noisy about my reactions
and possibly cause harm in the process.
and then i look up and see the little note pinned above my computer
"only speak words that make souls stronger"
and i exhale and wonder what all this shifting is about.
blogging has always come easily to me,
the words attach to the page with a flow and vulnerability that i neither strive for and rarely edit.
this simplicity  has defined my style of sharing, of connecting.
a simple, string of words that i was and am comfortable putting to page.
something is changing and i am not sure if it is because i am at the
"angry" layer of my healing, or if as my voice grows braver,
i am confronted with strong opinions and emotions
 once were shushed and soothed into silence.
it feels risky to share here now.
i promised myself time and time again that if i felt i needed to censor myself,
write for  the reader instead of myself then i needed to stop.
it is crucial for me to learn to use my voice.
i actually believe my emotional and mental health depend on it.
and as any new skill we learn there tends to be a swinging of extremes.
and that is what makes me uncomfortable.
i am feeling that my thoughts, my reactions, my opinions may come across as extreme.
and that is not the me i wish to be.
i know well enough that with practice there will be a tempering to my speaking, my thinking, my processing but to go from whisper to speaking with confidence sometimes requires a time of screaming.
i feel that my brain is screaming.
have an opinion! say what you actually think! tell them! argue! disagree!
(oh be still my tender heart that runs, runs as fast as it can from conflict)
and yet my heart, my soul, my spirit...however we define it,
reminds me that i am out of balance at this moment.
that there are safe places to scream.
  in my journal, or at the beach in the middle of a storm,
or on piece of paper that i can then burn in a fire.
 but not here.
not in this space.
so i may be quiet.
i may not blog here again.
i may, just by sharing this post,
feel the balance shift and find rather quickly
that i am actually okay,
 and not nearly as harsh sounding
 as my head is telling me
(that often happens for me)
and be back tomorrow.
i have no idea really.
i just know that i want to be a gentle person.
i appreciate you.
 and this space.
 the memories, the processing that has happened here for me,
the stories, the joys, the sorrows, the triumphs and failures.
thank you for being a part of my journey.


  1. Oh T... please continue to blog... your words give life to my hidden thoughts... I hear your voice, I hear your emotions, I feel your struggle and I rejoice in your both your sweet and gentle victories and your arrival to the safety of home after the stormy seas of life.....

    There is a word .... meta-cognition ... it means this:

    meta·cog·ni·tion noun \-käg-ˈni-shən\

    Definition of METACOGNITION

    : awareness or analysis of one's own learning or thinking processes

    Metacognition expressed in writing is a gift, not only to yourself to help you process through the ups and downs of life, but is also a gift to anyone else who would like to come along on the journey.

    Please keep open to the idea of continuing to blog - that would be a gift to us... but also take the time to rest for as long as you need to....that would be a gift to you....

  2. I have only recently been reading your blog. You remind me of myself. I pray that your healing will come and that you do what is best for you and yours right now....sometimes that is what we forget to do as busy mamas.

  3. "A time of screaming" is a fabulous phrase! And I know what you mean about needing a private and safe place for the said screaming... So scream away, sister dear! And fear not. We can always be honest with God, and that honesty is always a healthy thing. You know we love you, blogging or not. And whether your brain wins out with its passionate vehemence, or your heart with its gentle forbearance - or by great healing you are blessed to combine the two - a blog, in my experience, waits with wonderful patience. May peace be with you...

  4. I always look forward to reading your blog and feeling connected to you from afar. It always so honest and real. We can handle your "time of screaming", if that's what you need to do, or if you need a time of silence we will deal with that too (sadly). Love you bunches my dear.

  5. I would very much miss reading your blog, although I haven't been reading for very long. It is so refreshing to read a flow of real feelings. I did feel a little as though i had stumbled upon an almost private journal, which I hoped you didn't mind sharing! I hope we will still be able to read about your new inspirations and your real feelings. It has been an inspiration. All the best, Heather x