sometimes i am reminded
that until i am willing to go to that place of brokenness
the light cannot get in
nor can it leave me and reach others.
i know this.
but i forget.
over and over again.
i have been locking myself up
emotionally and physically.
the trips out of the house are becoming rarer
and my feet go days
without feeling the bare earth below them.
i seek false safety and support my avoidance strategy
with the busyness of driving the girl
to and from work or by accommodating every one else's needs,
and all the while,
my personal ventures have become
few and far between.
there has been a continued inability to speak for myself
each time i have, the response has been one that i have shied away from,
interpreted wrongly, or the very fact that i am birthing these new limitations
to free up so wiggle room for myself,
well, the protests have been strong and loud and persistent
and i am weary and fragile
and fall silent and complacent
to the loudest voice in the room,
rather than labour on.
yesterday was an afternoon of extreme brokenness.
the cracks started early afternoon,
and i lost myself to the deep sadness of my heart until late evening.
those tears that rolled down my cheeks were hot and burned
and each time a hiccup of grief swallowed me
i felt as though i was being swallowed whole.
the cracks were expanding yesterday,
they had gotten all tight and tangled and overgrown again
yet, to my surprise this morning,
a fresh abundance of grace and love for the very one
who has been hammering at my heart all week.
i was able to open my arms and embrace her with such love and deep devotion.
i was able to let the light transfer between us for a moment, allow a softening to re occur and i found my voice for a conversation
that was calm and quiet and loving yet firm.
there were opinions exchanged and agreements made
(at least for now)
there was a bonding, a connecting that has been missing these past few weeks.
when i allow it to truly visit me and do its work,
wash me with hot tears and intense despair
always bears gifts
. gifts of vulnerability and love.
of tenderness and grace.
of such mercy
and i am carried forward.