from brokenness..

 

sometimes i am reminded

that until i am willing to go to that place of brokenness

the light cannot get in

nor can it leave me and reach others.

i know this.

 but i forget.

 over and over again.

 

i have been locking myself up

emotionally and physically.

the trips out of the house are becoming rarer

and my feet go days

 without feeling the bare earth below them.

i seek false safety and support my avoidance strategy

with  the busyness of driving the girl

to and from work or by accommodating every one else's needs,

 and all the while,

 my personal ventures have become

 few and far between.

 

emotionally,

there has been a continued inability to speak for myself

or,

each time i have, the response has been one that i have shied away from,

interpreted wrongly, or the very fact that i am birthing these new limitations

to free up so wiggle room for myself,

well, the protests have been strong and loud and persistent

and i am weary and fragile

 and fall silent and complacent

 to the loudest voice in the room,

 rather than labour on.

 

yesterday was an afternoon of extreme brokenness.

the cracks started early afternoon,

and i lost myself to the deep sadness of my heart until late evening.

those tears that rolled down my cheeks were hot and burned

 and each time a hiccup of grief swallowed me

 i felt as though i was being swallowed whole.

 

the cracks were expanding yesterday,

painfully so.

 they had gotten all tight and tangled and overgrown again

 yet, to my surprise this morning,

there appeared

a fresh abundance of grace and love for the very one

 who has been hammering at my heart all week.

i was able to open my arms and embrace her with such love and deep devotion.

i was able to let the light transfer between us for a moment, allow a softening to re occur and i found my voice for a conversation

that was calm and quiet and loving yet firm.

there were opinions exchanged and agreements made

(at least for now)

there was a bonding, a connecting that has been missing these past few weeks.

 

the brokenness,

 when i allow it to truly visit me and do its work,

wash me with hot tears and intense despair

always bears gifts

. gifts of vulnerability and love.

of tenderness and grace.

of such mercy

and i am carried forward.