oh the stories i could tell.

 

last month is here.

 

 

 

 

 

{a love note}

 

i practice gratitude.

it is one of the areas of my life that i consider

a pathway to wellness, to wholeness and to happiness.

sometimes i miss noticing the deeper layers of my gratitude though

because the noticing of small things has become like breathing for me.

i can feel that i am practicing gratitude because there is always

a running, babbling list in my head as i go through my day.

grateful for this, grateful for that,

noticing the gifts, re framing the hard.

 

today though,

there was a deepening to my practice

and it was because i allowed myself to just be, to accept the gift,

to soak up the love, the support, the quiet steadfastness that was being offered to me.

 

my heart feels stretched and wide open in a new way.

 

the story goes as such:

i didn't sleep last night.

or the night before, much.

3 hours tops

and this morning, oh so early, in an unsettled, exhausted haze

i noticed that Owen was there beside me.

up for work already, dressed but at our bedside,

head beside mine, not talking, just being there.

he was such a calming presence.

so rock solid steady and peaceful

it was as if he knew that i didn't have the strength

to begin my day without a filling up of love,

and so he gave that to me,

silently, without a word, without a touch,

just his presence. his being.

he came and laid his head by mine

not once but twice,

returning to me on either side of the bed,

meeting me exactly where i was at.

 

i don't think he knows how profound it felt,

because i don't think i even spoke this morning,

it was that deep an exhaustion.

i don't think he even knew that i had been awake till 3,

but he did know exactly what i needed somehow.

 

i am grateful.

deeply filled,

and extremely blessed.

and while the exhaustion remains,

it is less burdensome, less threatening

because i know that i am not in this alone.

not for one moment.

and for that i cannot express enough gratitude.

 

 

the awesome thing is,

he will read this,

and probably tell me that he was just too tired

 to do anything but lie there himself..

we will laugh and delight in the knowing

 that we give each other gifts of love

 without even reilizing it all the time

 

 

what if...

 

what if you just try something new...

like finding silly animals in sidewalk crack photographs

like i did above.

he's not the greatest elephant ever but it was so fun

to find him.

 

what if even though i don't like painted fingernails

i leave them and then proceed to spend the afternoon in the garden

digging around in the dirt, wearing rings and not even caring if i had gloves.

can i just say,

 there is something a little bit bad ass

about gardening

 with rings and painted fingernails.

 

what if,

instead of ignoring the lemon balm that grows with wild abandon,

i decide to take a bunch of it home

and research it and discover that is is really quite something

(amazing it would appear)

and i should, you should, we all should be drinking it.

so i am.

and if you want some, tell me and i will bring you a bundle.

 

and what if i decided to act on my dreams

that wake me up,

and instead of pretending they don't mean anything much at all,

i decide that they do,

and i send a hello to everyone that visited me in them,

saying

"hey! you showed up in my dreams. i am thinking about you"

it was a letter writing morning as a result,

and that is always a good thing.

 

what if

just for fun, just to see what might happen,

i set up a flower cart today and decide to fill it for the weekend.

well, i did.

and i am going to fill it for Saturday and Sunday.

just because.

 

what if i decided to keep a pet chicken for a week.

i did.

you saw him i am sure

in some of my photos.

i loved that little chicken as much as one can love a chicken

before they become all chicken like on you

and need to go..

he is gone.

this is not a bad thing.

it was fun though,

 having a chicken cuddled up in my arms for a while.

(and weird, very weird at moments)

 

what if i used these distractions,

 these "noticings",

 these "what if's"

and these

"simply happy"

choices

 as a way of staving off the loneliness

, the worry, the unknown,

to push back at

the gremlins that keep me awake at night?

 

i do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

simply happy

 

garden flowers make me happy.

growing them, picking them, arranging them..

allowing them to arrange themselves,

happy.

vegetables, not so much

i am realizing.

 

here's the thing.

i am far enough along in my life now to recognize some themes

and being i am far enough along in my life that i can be pretty sure i am half way done,

i best be surrounding myself with happy whenever i get the chance, right?

 

what am i waiting for?

i have been thinking about the simple state of happy.

and this is what works for me...

 

i am happy when i paint my toenails.

not my fingernails though, not ever.

i did tonight, for some photos tomorrow and it just feels

so, not me.

but my toes are happy!

 

 

i love art

and i am happiest in the presence of  children's work.

 

 

like this one.

i adore this self portrait!

just look at those ears.

 

more about the flowers make me happy realization.

here is the thing.

growing vegetables is the right thing to do

(for me)

 and while it satisfies me,

it doesn't make me happy, happy.

so i have decided that i am going to grow flowers instead

and buy my vegetables, other than the small garden i have in the back yard,

from the farmers who really love to grow and sell vegetables.

that works.

 

what else makes me happy?

i am happy when i am in close proximity to those i love.

this makes me happy.

and so when i have to be away from them,

i need to figure out ways to feel connected. regardless of space and time.

letter writing, emails, texts,love packages,

those make me happy and fill the space for me.

the phone, not so much. i dread talking on the phone.

so i try to avoid it.

 

this post feels ridiculous even as i type away on the keys

but i have learned to trust that what shows up here is what i need to say.

happy is found so simply really.

toes, flowers, children, letters, candy...

yes that makes me happy.

i always thought i could do my

 ridiculous diet so much better

if i could only keep the candy..

i have loved candy since i was a wee small girl

and never gave up that love.

 

fresh herbs rather than dried ones makes me happy,

books rather than e-readers, white furniture, golden honey,

weathered pots instead of new ones, oversized sweaters,

bubble bath that isn't all itch provoking...

 

flat shoes.

oh my, i tried for years to wear heels and i never felt  happy about that.

ever.

so i just wear flats, and embrace my shortness.

and curly hair versus straight..

that's another tricky one..

curly wins. it actually does..

i think it has something to do with my age.

accepting who i am with less of a fight.

 

what makes you happy?

and what makes you unhappy that you have the freedom to stop doing

so there can be more happiness in your life?

 

that's the thing right?

my life has alot that i can not control in it

  so i work hard to notice

 what i can change and do and be a part of...

 

creating happy moments is pretty high on the list

because happy is simple

 and doesn't cost anything

and just results,

i hope,

 in more happiness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

releasing.

 

what seems like the right answer today

can contradict itself tomorrow.

 

{i need to save space for change in my thinking}

 

releasing.

surrendering.

trusting the process.

 

{i need to save space for change in my thinking}

 

this sentence feels so important to me.

 

 

 

notes to myself.

 

fresh start.

build on what exists.

keep the foundation in good repair.

trust the work already done.

move forward with what you have.

focus on the positives. let the past remain there.

recognize how hard all this feels.

 honour that.

slather yourself with love.

the budget may need to free up some

"survival funds"

celebrate common ground. do not panic.

tears are ok.

forgive yourself as often as nnecessary.

extend more grace than you thought possible.

extend more.

reel in your mind.

create memories. small ones count.

baby steps count

(Teresa says this is true. i believe her)

 

forgive yourself for panicking even though you promised you wouldn't.

have someone to talk to.

make gratitude lists about her.

be aware of your triggers.

bury your face in the herb garden often.

say "i love you"

more than you feel is necessary.

say it again.

watch the sky.

listen a lot. speak a little.

call in the tribe. banish the judgers.

nourish yourself. share food together.

pray.

repeat after me,

this too shall pass, this is not the end.