pursued.

 

"there is something at work in my soul which i do not understand.."

-Frankenstein-

i feel pursued. 

this makes me very uncomfortable.

Can i trust He isn't pursuing me to consume me, to harm me 

but to delight in me?"

-journal scribbles. Sunday morning early-

{right underneath i glue in these words...}

"He brought me out into an open place;

he rescued me because he delighted in me"

this church "thing" is becoming a God thing.

and that makes me sweat just a little.

i know what the God I believed in once with a whole heart is capable of.

"I will travel any road to find you"

-God, in The Shack-

and honestly. really honestly.

i am having a hard time, an impossible time separating God from the church;

 that feels too big to scale right now. and the being pursued feeling increases.

He, this God I am cautiously spending time anew with,

is turning up everywhere, pressing himself against me and reminding me that

He never left.

and this chasing and following close upon me

shakes me up.

i decided to search the word 

"pursue" and see where it turned up in the bible.

i was hoping i think for some comforting verse about  love and goodness and grace,

you know,

the comforting verses we like to read if we read the bible at all.

yet every verse the search gave me related to combat.

combat

no wonder i feel nervous!

 

i know what the God I believe in is capable of

i know what being pursued means.

i am well versed in the ways of relentless love.

i am a faithful student of pressing in.

i know what He is doing.

I do it myself.

 

i have said to owen more than once these past few week,

with an anguished voice and heavy heart..

"I find God so confusing now. He made sense before, but now He doesn't."

"everything, everything, feels different now.

Owen tells me I am in for a rough ride.

Letting go of the God of the church

and the hurt experienced there

and being in relationship with the God of the universe 

those are two very challenging endeavors.

at least with a guarded, skeptical heart they are.

and i have both.