Tuesday, October 29, 2013


"there is something at work in my soul which i do not understand.."

i feel pursued. 
this makes me very uncomfortable.
Can i trust He isn't pursuing me to consume me, to harm me 
but to delight in me?"
-journal scribbles. Sunday morning early-

{right underneath i glue in these words...}

"He brought me out into an open place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me"

this church "thing" is becoming a God thing.
and that makes me sweat just a little.
i know what the God I believed in once with a whole heart is capable of.

"I will travel any road to find you"
-God, in The Shack-

and honestly. really honestly.
i am having a hard time, an impossible time separating God from the church;
 that feels too big to scale right now. and the being pursued feeling increases.
He, this God I am cautiously spending time anew with,
is turning up everywhere, pressing himself against me and reminding me that
He never left.
and this chasing and following close upon me
shakes me up.

i decided to search the word 
"pursue" and see where it turned up in the bible.
i was hoping i think for some comforting verse about  love and goodness and grace,
you know,
the comforting verses we like to read if we read the bible at all.
yet every verse the search gave me related to combat.
no wonder i feel nervous!
i know what the God I believe in is capable of
i know what being pursued means.

i am well versed in the ways of relentless love.
i am a faithful student of pressing in.
i know what He is doing.
I do it myself.

i have said to owen more than once these past few week,
with an anguished voice and heavy heart..

"I find God so confusing now. He made sense before, but now He doesn't."
"everything, everything, feels different now.

Owen tells me I am in for a rough ride.
Letting go of the God of the church
and the hurt experienced there
and being in relationship with the God of the universe 
those are two very challenging endeavors.

at least with a guarded, skeptical heart they are.

and i have both.


  1. I have enjoyed reading this....thanks for being so "real" and transparent. It sounds a little bit like my journey....a wild and crazy ride. However, the changes that I only know about are incredible. I have never felt HIS love like I do now.

    1. It is a wild and crazy ride and I am not a huge fan of such turmoil. Used to it? Oh yes, but I don't usually seek it out as I seem to be doing:) thanks for commenting!

  2. Exciting stuff!

    I was never hurt by "the church" - just irritated, bored, confused, and frustrated past endurance. It took me years to get over being mildly depressed Sunday afternoons, even after I had stopped going anywhere. I liked Philip Yancey's book "The Jesus I Never Knew" - but flat-out refused to read another of his called "Church: Why Bother?" because I didn't WANT to be told anymore why I should bother.

    That's all over six years ago now. You know a little of my story: how, from that itinerant restlessness, God lead me - gobsmacked and amazed - into my birthright within the Catholic Church. A funny place for a church-hater to find peace and delight, is it not?

    So I say, don't worry about your guarded, skeptical, God-hungry heart! He gave it to you...

    1. My skeptical, guarded, God hungry heart coming from Him!! That is freeing!