Monday, October 7, 2013

Perhaps I had the definition wrong?

when i wrote about being
and struggling across the bridge to wellness
it slipped my mind that remission does not mean

gone forever

 then when i was making myself a project 
to stay in remission
i was still quite convinced that remission was forever
and that was motivating the commitment to change.

[change always needs a motivator]

l i looked up the definition today.

{because i am no longer in remission
and this is difficult to accept and process
but i must because i will cross the bridge.} 

a.  a temporary or permanent decrease or subsidence of 
manifestations of a disease.
b. a period during which such a decrease or subsidence 

{so i was only reading the part i wanted to hear. 
my remission was temporary
and in hindsight, such a sweet and timely gift .
  i assumed it would be permanent. 
it was not
.this too is okay or soon will be .
life goes on. moves forward.}

so then because i was on a roll
 i thought i should refresh myself 
as to the definition of 

constant, continuing a long time or recurring frequently,
having long had a disease, habit, weakness, or the like,
(of a disease) having long duration (opposite to acute)

{and so i made the connections,
 bought the chicken to make broth, 
cleared this weeks schedule of all that doesn't make my heart sing,
 and with the push of publish on this post,
 am gathering my tribe to help me}

you know what frightened me yesterday?
that it only took 5 days to deteriorate.
it was just last Tuesday night that i realized something was seriously wrong again.
that seems so short, you know?

but i am not afraid today.
{well, maybe a little bit. 
there are stronger emotions
 taking place that crowd out fear for the moment.}
today i feel like an experienced old farm hand
who knows just what to do,
and i am doing it.
 gold star that,
   you ridiculous disease!

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