Monday, October 21, 2013

visit the dark forest.

when i told her i was going for a walk 
i didn't think much of it but as soon as i drove off alone
the inner conversation began.

you can't go for a walk alone. You are afraid!
you don't do things by.your.self

and i found myself driving past the turn off towards the trail
deciding to {play it safe} by going to Starbucks instead.

you are to weak, to don't walk alone.

and then i decided to change that story
so i took the second turnoff to the trail and felt myself

just a little bit.

i argued with myself,
 reminding my limiting inner mean girl
that i had once been a girl that climbed trees, sought out forest nooks,
visited meadows, wandered far and wide with just my camera for company.

  when i headed down the trail there wasn't another person in sight
yet the forest was a noisy place full of whispers, imaginary tales,
unnecessary chatter.

not the usual forest chatter i seek out and adore.

i drew my mind in, counted my steps, increased  my pace.
and walked.

simple yes, walking?
 yet not.
i bounced from calm to fear, clear to foggy, brave to scared
i rounded a corner and found an oasis.

people. so many people. 
all together in one spot.

this is not my usual definition of oasis.
my body relaxed.

darkness is balance by light
and for that moment,
the quiet forest was my dark place and the people my light.

are you sure you want to continue?
 you can turn around now. you did enough.

but i continued on,
 determined to be bigger than my irrational fears.
{this is a very safe trail i was traveling}
yet my pace quickened. my heart joined.
the forest dimmed. and became empty again.

hurry, hurry. rush, rush.

i round a corner and there coming up the trail 
is an older woman with her aged dog.
she is ambling.
whenever the dog stopped.
she is slow,

and i laugh at myself in the kindest way possible
because i really do love it when the light turns on for me
in the sweetest of ways.

slow your pace tania. nothing, no one is coming to get you.

    and i slowed my pace to an amble. 
unfurled a little bit more.

the forest thinned as it always does,
sunlight kissed my shoulders and they relaxed from around my neck.
of course now
 i could hear the birds sing,
 notice the leaves crunch,
observe the changing forest
 from the last time i had been there with owen.

the ferns were finished their own unfurling
for the season
 reaching tall and green towards the sky.

you missed it. you are too late. the unfurling has already occurred.
it is too late for you to blossom as you so wish.

this time i know the voice. and i know what to do.
i am all warmed up.
i don't ignore her
-the mean girl inside of me-
but i answer her back.

i am right on time for my unfurling.
this is perfect timing sweet lady, 
it is not a race. 

and i amble all the way back to the car.



  1. Yay for ambling! And for facing fear...and coming out victorious!

    (Almost unrelated: Every time I glance down the list in your sidebar, I think the title of Bennet's book is "The Confident Creative Cat". Hey, I think to myself, that's a book for ME.)