what it actually looks like at this moment in my life.

we haven't had hot water for 2 days

and the kitchen is a mess.

i have no intention of cooking tonight

even though that is financially
"irresponsible"

whatever that happens to mean.

it is hard to do dishes without hot water.

also, you should see my hair.

oh my!

there aren't any new photos to use on my blog 

because i can't find the cord to connect my phone,

so i look back through old ones to use,

and hope they aren't reposts.

but i don't actually care all that much

if they are.

the living room is collecting random piles 

that share parts of the individual stories that are played out in our home.

i can tell that children have been here,

i see the piles of their books,

 the sticker pictures

 once so precious but forgotten in the transition to home.

{i will save them, just in case they remember}

there is evidence of Hannah and Cody playing scrabble.

i wonder is she won again?

this makes her quite proud.

tea has been drunk recently and 

someone needs to vacuum-

please!

the gravol bottles are becoming empty,

same as the pain killers, the muscle relaxants.

there are sick and sore people here.

we are looking for relief.

with the medicine and the juicing and the chocolate.

it isn't working.

neither is the endless napping, 

the trips to the chiropractor, 

the magazine buying.

i spilled words all over a page last night

and pushed send.

i felt ill.

too much spilling. not enough editing.

it doesn't matter though

they are words.

 just words.

i want to see my friend

and my family,

to drink tea with 

owen's sisters.

but there isn't the energy or the time.

how does that happen?

at this moment  my life

it looks messy and dull

and i find myself wanting to wander away

to somewhere else.

but i know that i know

that this is just a moment,

and there are gifts here too.

endless illness fogs up my vision.

there is no trusting the emotions that swirl in this place.

sometimes i tire of the gifts

 that come disguised as lessons, as challenges, as opportunities.

i would prefer pretty presents please.

i tell owen that i don't really need to keep practicing

empathy through experience.

really, i am done with all that for now

i say with a sigh.

 he smiles at me

knowing that comment is just me

 delayed in my very human complaining

about what would long ago  been okay to have been  too much 

but i am just now deciding to tire of it.

my cat sleeps through the mess

perches on the unfolded blankets.

i go hide for a while

there is always tomorrow.

or a someday to find these places again.

xo