what i like to believe.

"and because of love, you will, i will,

we will, come to be"

-p. neruda-

list one of 2012

(each day i record things i am grateful for-every once in a while i record them here)

no baby gates to navigate, Thad's increasingly confident driving skills, slippers,the ache in muscles that comes from exercise, not sickness., a shared pot of tea with hannah, hannah reading her novel peacefully, stew bubbling on the stove, the soothing presence of my husband, my journals, her ability and willingness to say NO! (so proud, i am),a big blank book to record this year

recognizing fear and facing it head on, sleeping in, the rhythmic pattern of rain, the soothing balm of a perfect poem, hot tears, rain walks, reilizations about oneself, Thad going to the pool to swim laps, spending the entire evening in the presence of my laughter filled family

waking up to the smell of pancakes, even when you can't eat them-they still smell delicious, waking up with much more courage than the day before, indulging in (just one) cup of Earl Gray Tea (caffeine is a no-no for me),the feeling of alive muscles from exercise, tea with hannah, handwritten letters, the satisfaction of slow cooked meals, hannah's laughter, Gideon leaning up against the counter listening to me reading The Chrysalid's to Hannah, Thad cooking for Gideon

the freedom to stay in bed when i am sick, the grace my friends and family extend me when i need to cancel plans due to feeling under the weather, a pot of tea, warm hoodies with the hood cinched up tight, brave-brave mama's doing their very best with honesty and vulnerabliltiy, yoga and the girl, perfect books that find me, turning up the heat and not feeling guilty

the forest

yesterday as i stumbled

afraid and at moments

truly terrified through my day

i went to the forest.

to the trees that i wandered through

daily when i was working.

it was pouring rain

and yet i felt compelled

to go.

to get out of the house,

away from the walls that i

thought were pressing in upon me

with untrue expectations and stories.

there was a familiar comfort to

pulling on my rubber boots and my raincoat

reminding me of a time not long ago

that kept me so busy and so fulfilled.

i walked down the path

and stopped to fix the paper chain

that still hangs bravely from it's branches.

i stopped also at the love birds

we had hung and read the words.

love.

peace.

hope.

and finally i stopped

at the magnificent tree,

the tree that holds mystery

and speaks of past harm

and present resiliance.

the rain drops and tears

mingled together on my cheeks

it was hard to tell where they started

and ended.

when i returned home,

to homeschooling and dinner prep

and laundry and floor sweeping

i felt more grounded.

still slightly terrified

(those feelings took almost all day to disipate)

but more secure

in the comfort that comes from spending time in nature.

i am so blessed to live right beside a sanctuary.

the river is swollen with rain and threatening to cover the trail soon.

the path is becoming more puddle filled each hour

and there are days soon when i won't be able to wander safely there.

i am grateful for the comfort that comes

from wandering among the trees

or sitting by the running water.

today is a brighter day.

the rain is still pouring down

but my heart and my head and my soul

are speaking kindly to each other.

to me.

and there is gentle love coming this way.

this afraid part can be very noisy sometimes...

this afraid part,

when you are not sure where you are heading

and when you will be back

can be very noisy sometimes.

filling my head with scary thoughts

and deep insecurities

and noisy lies.

this afraid part

can stop me in my tracks.

cancel all my plans and hopes and dreams

for the day.

this afraid part

shouts and whispers words

and thoughts that are untrue

but they freeze me up just the same.

shouts and whispers

words that are heavy and dark and unkind

selfish, alone, lost, useless, forgotten, weak, sick, afraid

this afraid part

has always been a part of me

and used to come out to play with my heart and my soul and my head

almost every day

but for a while,

a long while,

this has not been the case.

and i did not invite this afraid part to play today

but she came anyway

right when i got out of bed.

how rude is that?

i hadn't even had my tea

or said my prayers

or anything.

she just came.

uninvited.

so i shall ask her to leave

i tried earlier but with no success

so i shall ask again.

with the bravery i have deep within

and she will leave.

this afraid part

will not define me today.

my wish for you...

i hope you will have a wonderful year

that you'll dream dangerously

and outrageously,

that you'll make something

that didn't exist before,

that you will be loved and you will be liked,

and that you will have people

to love and to like in return.

and most important

(because i think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world)

that you will, when you need to be,

be wise,

and that you will always be kind.

why i need to work on my Balance in 2012

i need more practice

to include others in my life

to continue learning to love myself through the fluxuating emotions that surely come

to become solidly rooted

to not retreat into my newly embraced introverted ways

to continue to learn the balance of letting go and hanging on

to learn the art of giving sufficient time and energy to all the important areas of my life, not just the ones that are screaming for attention

to teach my mind how and when to be quiet

to ensure that my face-to-face relationships don't suffer because of my on-line ones

to learn the difference between what i must do and what i want to do

to recognize the value in living a creative life

to continue learning how to say no

to remember the joy that can come with saying yes

what i do with my word?

i mean really, what good is it to pick a word, can that really make a difference?

i believe it can,

 if only in the sense that it is a focus and a tangible reminder of what i am trying to learn.

this year i intend to be more deliberate with my word

i will look for it everywhere

i will treat the word like a research project and try to understand it at a deeper level

i will write the word, photograph the word, include it in my journaling and art

i will make lists of what i want the word to bring out in me (above is list #1)

i will bring the word up in conversations and listen to what others know

i will journal and blog about run-ins and encounters with my word

i won't feel guilty if i forget all about my word for a while

i will find songs and poems that speak about my word.

i think it's gonna be pretty amazing to see what my life looks like after a year

of actively seeking to live a balanced life.

my favorite day of the year!

this is it!

today is my favorite day of the year

because

the possiblities are all shiny and bright.

oh i know,

really we just flipped the page on a calendar

but

it's a nice, blank, clean calendar

and it can be filled with as little or as much as you like

how cool is that?

this morning,

while bemoaning my stomach bug

i was at the same time

gushing at owen about all the ideas, the plans, the projects

the possiblities of

2012

and he smiled patiently at me

as i wrote madly on my poster board of ideas.

"you are awesome" he sweetly said

as i launched into idea number 52 or so

and it was then

that i reilized

today truly is my favorite day of the year!