hello Spring!

oh hello! hail and wind and sideways rain.

oh hello! crocus clusters in my garden.

 Hello!

oh hello! trees that are swelling with blossoms.

oh hello! rubber boots and rain jackets and puddles to jump in.

oh hello! baby seedlings on my window sill

oh hello! bare garden beds hiding worms and moist wet soil that will soon be ready to plant.

oh hello! hope of sunny days and scents of newness.

oh hello! birthdays that abound this month.

Hello!

Hello first day of Spring!

again and again...

here's the thing.

i need to start again.

again and again and again until it gets figured out.

the doctors say that food has nothing to do with it.

the medicine takes care of whatever is going on inside my body.

the extreme foodies say that medicine has nothing to do with it

it's all about the food i put into my body.

here's what i would like to put into my body.

or how about these

yes please.

the reality is that i should not eat either of those things.

not one bite.

i also need to not eat any gluten, any dairy, any starch, any sugar, anything with seeds,

anything raw, anything that belongs to the nightshade family, anything that comes in a can because it might have hidden ingredients, anything with gmo's or that has pesticides or hormones,

and the list goes on.

and for a long time..like years. not just days or even months.

years?!

i know this because when i try to eat these things, even one bite

my body screams at me.

or occasionally,

it lets those bites slide by

and i think i can do what i want.

sometimes i am a bad listener.

that is because i am tired of this.

i am tired of the medicine not working,

i am tired of being cold all the time

i am tired of sitting with a cup of kefir while everyone else eats a plate full of dinner.

this is not fun.

i pretend i don't mind

and sometimes i don't. at all.

i am all accepting and noble and stoic about the whole thing.

but then,

when i take a risk and do what the doctor says

and accept medicine into my body that i really don't believe in

 so that i will be able to eat

and more importantly

be pain free, be healthy, have energy, think clearly,

and that doesn't work.

well,

then i get mad. and sad. and frustrated. and hopeless.

until today.

today is the day i try again.

today is the day i say

"i have failed miserably many times"

i have come downstairs and snuck food that i know is bad for me because

i just want to feel satisfied.

i have ignored my body and treated it with unkindness.

but i have also tried valiantly

for months at a time

without sneaking or satisfying.

i have done 8, 10, 12 weeks on kefir and kefir alone

kefir has the ability to sustain me.

it meets my needs nutritionally

but it  doesn't meet my needs emotionally.

and eating is a big part of our emotional well being.

it just is.

so,

this brings me back to today.

i am choosing to be hopeful and to try the SCD diet again.

it is extreme.

 it may not work. it hasn't worked in the past

but it is worth another shot.

this post inspired me yesterday to give it another try.

and so here i go again.

that's the thing right.

with anything in our lives that are hard.

we need to keep trying. to not give up on ourselves,

to forgive our mistakes, to accept our limitations,

to be honest about how hard it is.

no matter what IT might be.

so here is to being hopeful again.

in all the areas of our lives.





remembering this.

"my first reaction will keep me making the same choices.

It will keep me at the same level.

It will have me say things in defensiveness

that i would not say in sanity and i'd never think in love.

Pain is the opportunity to practice.

Pain is the portal to another choice, another self, another life."

-tama kieves-

i am crawling through people. crawling through.

i love this line

"it will have me say things in defensiveness that i would not say in sanity and i'd never think in love"

i need to keep my mouth shut right now. and my thinking held captive so that i don't say things that aren't loving and true and kind and wise and gentle.

to others,to myself.

especially myself.

truth.

i'm staggering around in an insomniac's haze.

i feel as thought there is a backpack full of rocks strapped onto my back

and no matter how hard i try i am unable to take it off.

set it down for a rest.

lack of sleep will do that to you.

make me feel like i am walking a wee bit too close to the edge of the trail.

you know the one

that has the steep cliff that goes down, down,down.

i "suffer" from insomnia often.

it comes for a while, a long while to visit

and then for some unexplainable reaon will leave

and in true tania style,

i forget that i ever don't have a good night sleep, and certainly not months of not sleeping,

 and i feel such empathy and concern

for all you other non sleepers out there

completely forgetting that i am one as well.

i accept, encourage and welcome your strategies for coping with the condition

but i don't recognize i need some for myself.

heck, you might even hear me brainstorming with someone  for ways to help them

make it through the long days.

but i don't recognize i need some for myself.

(yes, i repeated that sentence on purpose..perhaps i will listen better)

it's a common theme i am noticing.

a whole lot of compassion and understanding for everyone else who is struggling.

but very little for myself.

last night i murmmured quietly to owen over tea

that perhaps i was tired of not working and would start again in September.

tired of not working?

 try too tired to think straight, but yes, let's hide that under "tired of not working"

that makes sense.

oh, tania.

wasn't it just last week that you blogged about the gift of having this year,

the gratitude i was feeling.

yup- here it is as proof!

but give me a few days of not sleeping,

a flu bug, the usual day to day stresses,

the numbers not adding up, the medicine not working,

the rain still coming down,

and i am completly forgetting that this year has a purpose.

it doesn't matter how hard it is to balance the budget

or how uncomfortable i feel with not having an outward purpose.

i committed to this and i need to stick with it.

it isn't about what my life looks like to me

..all loosey goosey and unstructured.

it's about getting healthy. sticking with this journey till the end.

or at least half way.

my goodness, girl...

it's been two months and i am already caving.

forgetting.

doing myself a disservice

is what owen said it would be,

 if i didn't stick with the plan.

short changing myself and other emotional phrases like that.

hard things to hear. from the man who loves me more than i can fathom.

reminding me again, unintentionally, from a place of great grace

that i really don't love myself very  much yet.

i need to treat myself with the same love and compassion and patience and empathy that i extend to others.

and i don't think i know how.

to be continued...



project hands.

inspired by a sister in law's email to me

and because i want  to start using my real camera again

i am embarking on a project.

if you have hands i want to photograph them.

if you know of hands that crave dirt, paint, bread dough,

 hands that tell stories with their newness or their lines and curves

i would love to see them

and photograph them

and learn from their stories.

it was a magical walk.

i rarely do activites alone.

at home, i am content to putter and spend time in solitude

but when i venture out into this wonderful world i am always with someone else.

last week,

on Tuesday afternoon,

 i had a magical walk.

alone.

Like participating in solo activities,

i also rarely use the word "magical."

it carries more weight than it need to. 

 but,

i am learning

 new definitions for words like

magical, yoga,,spirituality,

balance, prosperity, success.

 The list could go on and on,

but that is not what this post is about, now is it?

 This walk felt enchanting,

which is the simplest definition of magic

according to my dictionary.

( dig deeper..then there are all sorts of definitions that i don't want to get into)

what made this walk so enchanting, so magical, so wonderful,

 was the spontaneousness of it,

the aloneness of it and the great sense of bravery i felt.

 Those,  combined with baby lambs, hissing geese,

and all sorts of natural miracles led to me feeling

 euphoric by the end.

the magic continued when i found a heart shaped rock

that appeared to have a mini collage affixed to the surface.

i broke my rule about leaving natural items in their natural home

and i placed the gift tenderly in my hand and brought it home to rest on my white shelf.

a rock can make me that happy.

true fact.

this walk took place in less than half an hour, yet it felt as though

every step allowed me to discover another gift.

look!

this was my favorite discovery.

a pussy willow tree with buds just opening.

for this i wished for my real camera

as i just couldn't capture the unfolding as i wished to.

for those of you who practice the art of alone activites

this probably seems silly or simple to you.

but to me,

the very act of going to the beach, for a walk,

by myself, with no agenda, no expectations whatsoever

is a pretty big deal.

 it was huge.

i felt like i fed my soul

 and the bubbling over of gratitude was uncontainable.

Last Tuesday was a magical day.

I anticipate many more in my future.

ps.

 all the extra iphone photos in this post are for you Corrie!

she sparkles..

when she is feeling all that inner fabulousness

that lives inside of her

she glows.

when she is able to tap into her inner love and creativity and wondefulness

she lights up the room.

that's the Hannah I spent the day with today.

the Hannah that takes on the world and wins!

it was a fun day. a good day. a full day.