Friday, March 16, 2012


i'm staggering around in an insomniac's haze.
i feel as thought there is a backpack full of rocks strapped onto my back
and no matter how hard i try i am unable to take it off.
set it down for a rest.

lack of sleep will do that to you.
make me feel like i am walking a wee bit too close to the edge of the trail.
you know the one
that has the steep cliff that goes down, down,down.

i "suffer" from insomnia often.
it comes for a while, a long while to visit
and then for some unexplainable reaon will leave
and in true tania style,
i forget that i ever don't have a good night sleep, and certainly not months of not sleeping,
 and i feel such empathy and concern
for all you other non sleepers out there
completely forgetting that i am one as well.
i accept, encourage and welcome your strategies for coping with the condition
but i don't recognize i need some for myself.
heck, you might even hear me brainstorming with someone  for ways to help them
make it through the long days.
but i don't recognize i need some for myself.

(yes, i repeated that sentence on purpose..perhaps i will listen better)

it's a common theme i am noticing.
a whole lot of compassion and understanding for everyone else who is struggling.
but very little for myself.

last night i murmmured quietly to owen over tea
that perhaps i was tired of not working and would start again in September.
tired of not working?
 try too tired to think straight, but yes, let's hide that under "tired of not working"
that makes sense.
oh, tania.
wasn't it just last week that you blogged about the gift of having this year,
the gratitude i was feeling.
yup- here it is as proof!

but give me a few days of not sleeping,
a flu bug, the usual day to day stresses,
the numbers not adding up, the medicine not working,
the rain still coming down,

and i am completly forgetting that this year has a purpose.
it doesn't matter how hard it is to balance the budget
or how uncomfortable i feel with not having an outward purpose.
i committed to this and i need to stick with it.
it isn't about what my life looks like to me
..all loosey goosey and unstructured.

it's about getting healthy. sticking with this journey till the end.
or at least half way.
my goodness, girl...
it's been two months and i am already caving.

doing myself a disservice
is what owen said it would be,
 if i didn't stick with the plan.
short changing myself and other emotional phrases like that.
hard things to hear. from the man who loves me more than i can fathom.
reminding me again, unintentionally, from a place of great grace
that i really don't love myself very  much yet.

i need to treat myself with the same love and compassion and patience and empathy that i extend to others.
and i don't think i know how.

to be continued...


  1. you can do it! insomnia sucks your brain dry, as well as your body. but you. can. DO. it! you are the strongest person I know.

    1. i feel honoured and humbled by your comment. and i will do are right! thanks for belieiving in me.

  2. We are so hard on ourselves. Why is it that accepting and loving ourselves is so difficult? As moms, we are so used to loving others, being patient with others, accepting is easy to forget about ourselves. Taking time for yourself is a start Tania. In the quiet places and moments, you will earn to love yourself as much as we all love you!

    1. i think our caregiver dna is on overdrive during the parenting years and we forget all about ourselves...i appreciate that this is a journey that i am sharing with friends like you xox

  3. Yay, Yay, Yay, Tania... you know I am so happy that you see that you are worthy of the same love and compassion you give others. I have never known anyone who has given so much to others but forgets about herself. Say 'NO' more often to others and YES to Tania more everyday.... I know, I know... thats hard to do but you are so worth the effort. I shouldn't give advice but I couldn't help myself. You are loved more than you will ever know. God is soooo good and wants you to see yourself as he has always seen you. Beautifully and wonderfully made. Blessings and love to you my precious friend.