truth.

i'm staggering around in an insomniac's haze.

i feel as thought there is a backpack full of rocks strapped onto my back

and no matter how hard i try i am unable to take it off.

set it down for a rest.

lack of sleep will do that to you.

make me feel like i am walking a wee bit too close to the edge of the trail.

you know the one

that has the steep cliff that goes down, down,down.

i "suffer" from insomnia often.

it comes for a while, a long while to visit

and then for some unexplainable reaon will leave

and in true tania style,

i forget that i ever don't have a good night sleep, and certainly not months of not sleeping,

 and i feel such empathy and concern

for all you other non sleepers out there

completely forgetting that i am one as well.

i accept, encourage and welcome your strategies for coping with the condition

but i don't recognize i need some for myself.

heck, you might even hear me brainstorming with someone  for ways to help them

make it through the long days.

but i don't recognize i need some for myself.

(yes, i repeated that sentence on purpose..perhaps i will listen better)

it's a common theme i am noticing.

a whole lot of compassion and understanding for everyone else who is struggling.

but very little for myself.

last night i murmmured quietly to owen over tea

that perhaps i was tired of not working and would start again in September.

tired of not working?

 try too tired to think straight, but yes, let's hide that under "tired of not working"

that makes sense.

oh, tania.

wasn't it just last week that you blogged about the gift of having this year,

the gratitude i was feeling.

yup- here it is as proof!

but give me a few days of not sleeping,

a flu bug, the usual day to day stresses,

the numbers not adding up, the medicine not working,

the rain still coming down,

and i am completly forgetting that this year has a purpose.

it doesn't matter how hard it is to balance the budget

or how uncomfortable i feel with not having an outward purpose.

i committed to this and i need to stick with it.

it isn't about what my life looks like to me

..all loosey goosey and unstructured.

it's about getting healthy. sticking with this journey till the end.

or at least half way.

my goodness, girl...

it's been two months and i am already caving.

forgetting.

doing myself a disservice

is what owen said it would be,

 if i didn't stick with the plan.

short changing myself and other emotional phrases like that.

hard things to hear. from the man who loves me more than i can fathom.

reminding me again, unintentionally, from a place of great grace

that i really don't love myself very  much yet.

i need to treat myself with the same love and compassion and patience and empathy that i extend to others.

and i don't think i know how.

to be continued...