again and again...

here's the thing.

i need to start again.

again and again and again until it gets figured out.

the doctors say that food has nothing to do with it.

the medicine takes care of whatever is going on inside my body.

the extreme foodies say that medicine has nothing to do with it

it's all about the food i put into my body.

here's what i would like to put into my body.

or how about these

yes please.

the reality is that i should not eat either of those things.

not one bite.

i also need to not eat any gluten, any dairy, any starch, any sugar, anything with seeds,

anything raw, anything that belongs to the nightshade family, anything that comes in a can because it might have hidden ingredients, anything with gmo's or that has pesticides or hormones,

and the list goes on.

and for a long time..like years. not just days or even months.

years?!

i know this because when i try to eat these things, even one bite

my body screams at me.

or occasionally,

it lets those bites slide by

and i think i can do what i want.

sometimes i am a bad listener.

that is because i am tired of this.

i am tired of the medicine not working,

i am tired of being cold all the time

i am tired of sitting with a cup of kefir while everyone else eats a plate full of dinner.

this is not fun.

i pretend i don't mind

and sometimes i don't. at all.

i am all accepting and noble and stoic about the whole thing.

but then,

when i take a risk and do what the doctor says

and accept medicine into my body that i really don't believe in

 so that i will be able to eat

and more importantly

be pain free, be healthy, have energy, think clearly,

and that doesn't work.

well,

then i get mad. and sad. and frustrated. and hopeless.

until today.

today is the day i try again.

today is the day i say

"i have failed miserably many times"

i have come downstairs and snuck food that i know is bad for me because

i just want to feel satisfied.

i have ignored my body and treated it with unkindness.

but i have also tried valiantly

for months at a time

without sneaking or satisfying.

i have done 8, 10, 12 weeks on kefir and kefir alone

kefir has the ability to sustain me.

it meets my needs nutritionally

but it  doesn't meet my needs emotionally.

and eating is a big part of our emotional well being.

it just is.

so,

this brings me back to today.

i am choosing to be hopeful and to try the SCD diet again.

it is extreme.

 it may not work. it hasn't worked in the past

but it is worth another shot.

this post inspired me yesterday to give it another try.

and so here i go again.

that's the thing right.

with anything in our lives that are hard.

we need to keep trying. to not give up on ourselves,

to forgive our mistakes, to accept our limitations,

to be honest about how hard it is.

no matter what IT might be.

so here is to being hopeful again.

in all the areas of our lives.