and she freaks out...

i hold pretty dear to my heart the fact

and it is a true fact,

that i am a very calm mother.

it takes alot to rattle me-at least on the outside.

i specialize in staying calm in a crisis, having the ability to not enforce my agenda on others and being patient.

patient as a saint some days.

( i wonder about that saying)

but this morning

i didn't exactly keep calm

i didn't even keep calm and carry on.

i stewed and muttered and swore and raised my voice

and closed the door quite loudly.

yup.

true story.

and looking back at the morning meltdown

which i have apologized for and restated my needs using "i" words so that i feel heard,

i am aware again that it's all about balance.

i was feeling used. feeling the pressure of being constantly available to others all the time

and not having an out of house job to go to,

or for that matter a job at all, other than the one called parenting,

it is super easy to get the lines blurry.

i am available all the time and this is both a privilige and a problem.

delaying gratification or wants or even needs being met is not happening here at my house

for anyone

 except me.

 i am delaying and not even considering my needs because i am very dedicated and busy considering theirs.

which is fine.

except i don't need to be always considering the wants and the instant desires. those are not needs. they are nothing more than that whims of adolescence

and i'm pretty sure i'm not doing anyone any favours by jumping each time a request is made.

i need to figure this out.

Oh Victor.

yup. this was penned for me.

i love

that the constant sream of photos i take and post and clog up my instagram and my facebook with give me a reminder of the gloriousness of my life.

i love that i can capture the colours, the "feel" of the moments, the time spent.

i wish i could capture the fragrances for you and myself...

bottling them up to open on a dark and dreary winter day.

a sudden infusion of lemon and spicy chives

or the fruit loop scent of the lilacs after the rain.

oh,

 i can imagine a row of beautiful jars labeled and just waiting to share their aroma with us.

i feel as though i am creating a visual diary of my days

and along with my journaling and blogging

i will be able to look back and remember and see where i have been and how far i have come.

and i will be able to counter those negative voices and remind them that actually,

my life was and is beautiful and important and full of the values i hold dear.

the photos prove it to be so,

 even when the negative gremlins try to convince me otherwise.

that said,

i don't ever want to represent my life as one that is filled only with garden adventures and beach fires and balloon filled evenings with my girl.

life is hard.

and the photos don't capture the reality of what happens when the phone is down and the tears are flowing and the late night calls are coming and the pain is too much and life seems dreary and flat.

i would actually like to figure out a way to capture glimpses of that story because those are the moments that really call for gratitude and deep love and commitment

. those are the moments when real life is taking place.

the beauty of my life is balanced with the struggle

and the harder the struggle the more beauty i seek out and find.

the more wild flowers i pick, the more i can pour a balm over the exhaustion and sorrow of the darker places we walk through together as a family.

i just need to be real.

 to remember that the images i share tell one story.

but not the whole story.

not yet.

weekending

what i'm doing about it...

after writing this post i have felt a shift.

an understanding and acceptance and perhaps more gentleness with myself.

i can be pretty hard on myself and my expectations of me are often bordering on the ridiculous.

even these past three years when i have had moments that would logically have sent me to bed for a day or three i would determine that i must carry on and carry on i would.

this i am learning stems from a deep need to please others and gain acceptance, and therefore gain pernamency in other people's lives.

i have abandonment issues. not suprising. but that is another day's story.

so, since accepting that i am carrying the burden of depression i have been much nicer to myself.

this is a good thing.

this "label" also allows me to understand  and therefore accept  the range of emotions or more often, the lack of emotions that i have been feeling.

the world became a pretty flat shade of gray for a few weeks there and that is not at all like me.

i tend to see in technicolour. all the time.

also, reilizing that this is only been going on for a short time gives me a certain amount of hope.

i feel that by noticing and recognizing and giving voice to the depression i will be able to manage and walk out of it sooner.

this may be wishful thinking. that's okay. i am a big believer in believing the positive.

it took this whole 3 years before i finally accepted that i might not be better in the morning and that attitude got me out of bed for alot of those days.

i am utilizing the same strategy this time,

only with more self kindness.

so here is what i am doing-

i am going outside every day again.

i noticed that i had stopped.

i am very affected by the weather and the sunshine is helping tremendously.

when i was leading my outdoor daycare we were outside every single day and i forgot just how great that made me feel.

i am practicing my gratitude every day.

 all day.

 i don't wait till the end of my day to record my thanks-it's an ongoing thing and that is one of the reasons i have so many notebooks on the go at one time.

there are lists everywhere.

i am reaching out.

trying to stop being so introverted and allowing moments of others into my day.

i think that i am naturally an extrovert but this time of sickness has required me to cocoon a bit.

 my true nature is to be with others, to be in community. and i am trying to return to that.

this isn't easy.

 it requires me to carefully feel my way back into all that comes with relationship building.

i am utilizing the brilliant advice of my instagram friend Teresa

and breaking my day into  what she calls

15 minute dailies

i set the timer and pick the task that needs to be done and do it

for 15 minutes.

it is amazing how that simple act shifts the perspective from
"there is so much to do and i am too tired, sick, unmotivated, sore.."

so there is no point even starting:

to

"wow...so much can get done in 15 minutes!...let's do that again"

and before i know it,

 there are to-do's checked off the list.

and finally,

i am trying to understand better the relationship between my medication and my reactions.

this is the first time in my life that i have ever been on any sort of medication long term 

i know that everyone responds differently to what we put in our bodies and what is right for me is not right for you and vice versa.

my body has a daily reaction to the medication i am on and the medications i have been on these past few years.

the side effects have been intense and unrelenting.

part of those side effects is depression.

 i just ignored that one for a long time- it was easy to be distracted by the others.

i am continually having to weigh the benefits and the side effects.

it feels impossible to me to make the best decision in this area.

there is so much unrest within me about how to manage my condition and this is something that i need to make peace with.

the weather is changing today and i can feel myself closing in a bit.

this was a hard post to write and usually the words just jump onto the keyboard

so i will make tea, and settle in on being kind to myself.



i want to remember evenings like these...

evenings where the light is golden in more ways that one.

evenings where there is laughter and the leaning into one another that comes from time spent close.

evenings that make you forget about the nights that are so difficult to walk through.

evenings where the faces made are surrounded by laughter and a connection with the child in us.

evenings that don't last forever. even when we want them to.

and that is why i want to remember.

and the bottom photo..that's Gary.

We've always had extra's to love in our home and as part of our family. 

 Gary is one of those.

We're pretty fond of him.

He fits right in don't you think?

when i stop noticing the world shrunk a little

about 3 weeks ago i stopped recording my gratitudes.

and i think i stopped noticing a little bit.

my world became smaller and less abundant

and much flatter.

i have practiced gratitude recording for long enough to be solidly

deep down in my heart convinced that it is a powerful practice that makes a difference.

i've started again.

3 lists in 3 days

there is a shift that comes when i  am deliberate in my thanks.

my eyes can see again!

and there is no time to waste in chastising myself because i stopped.

i am just delighted that i have begun again.

that's the gift of all these daily practices we try to incorporate.

there is always the opportunity to begin again.

so there is no need for discouragment or judgement.

just. start. now. today.

i love living the belief that everyday is a new day.

there is freedom there.

oh, and for those of you who got the salad eating update via my facebook yesterday...

i felt the collective rejoicing and felt so loved and supported

thank you!

but...

it ended up kicking my intestines hard...so no raw veggies yet i suppose.

perhaps i will try fruit instead.

weekending.

backyard fire pitting, gardening, colour noticing, flower loving,

mother's day celebrating, sunshining blue sky days, dinner with friends.

it was a weekend that felt like a giant exhale.