Friday, May 18, 2012

what i'm doing about it...

after writing this post i have felt a shift.
an understanding and acceptance and perhaps more gentleness with myself.
i can be pretty hard on myself and my expectations of me are often bordering on the ridiculous.
even these past three years when i have had moments that would logically have sent me to bed for a day or three i would determine that i must carry on and carry on i would.

this i am learning stems from a deep need to please others and gain acceptance, and therefore gain pernamency in other people's lives.
i have abandonment issues. not suprising. but that is another day's story.

so, since accepting that i am carrying the burden of depression i have been much nicer to myself.
this is a good thing.
this "label" also allows me to understand  and therefore accept  the range of emotions or more often, the lack of emotions that i have been feeling.
the world became a pretty flat shade of gray for a few weeks there and that is not at all like me.

i tend to see in technicolour. all the time.

also, reilizing that this is only been going on for a short time gives me a certain amount of hope.
i feel that by noticing and recognizing and giving voice to the depression i will be able to manage and walk out of it sooner.

this may be wishful thinking. that's okay. i am a big believer in believing the positive.
it took this whole 3 years before i finally accepted that i might not be better in the morning and that attitude got me out of bed for alot of those days.
i am utilizing the same strategy this time,
only with more self kindness.

so here is what i am doing-

i am going outside every day again.
i noticed that i had stopped.
i am very affected by the weather and the sunshine is helping tremendously.
when i was leading my outdoor daycare we were outside every single day and i forgot just how great that made me feel.

i am practicing my gratitude every day.
 all day.
 i don't wait till the end of my day to record my thanks-it's an ongoing thing and that is one of the reasons i have so many notebooks on the go at one time.
there are lists everywhere.

i am reaching out.
trying to stop being so introverted and allowing moments of others into my day.
i think that i am naturally an extrovert but this time of sickness has required me to cocoon a bit.
 my true nature is to be with others, to be in community. and i am trying to return to that.
this isn't easy.
 it requires me to carefully feel my way back into all that comes with relationship building.

i am utilizing the brilliant advice of my instagram friend Teresa
and breaking my day into  what she calls
15 minute dailies
i set the timer and pick the task that needs to be done and do it
for 15 minutes.
it is amazing how that simple act shifts the perspective from
"there is so much to do and i am too tired, sick, unmotivated, sore.."
so there is no point even starting:
" much can get done in 15 minutes!...let's do that again"
and before i know it,
 there are to-do's checked off the list.

and finally,

i am trying to understand better the relationship between my medication and my reactions.
this is the first time in my life that i have ever been on any sort of medication long term 
i know that everyone responds differently to what we put in our bodies and what is right for me is not right for you and vice versa.

my body has a daily reaction to the medication i am on and the medications i have been on these past few years.
the side effects have been intense and unrelenting.
part of those side effects is depression.
 i just ignored that one for a long time- it was easy to be distracted by the others.
i am continually having to weigh the benefits and the side effects.
it feels impossible to me to make the best decision in this area.
there is so much unrest within me about how to manage my condition and this is something that i need to make peace with.

the weather is changing today and i can feel myself closing in a bit.
this was a hard post to write and usually the words just jump onto the keyboard
so i will make tea, and settle in on being kind to myself.


  1. Depression is not really something anybody WANTS to be good at talking about...however, you're good at it!

    There is so much more I want to say - but - my thoughts compose so slowly that it will be past my bedtime if I linger here...and sleep is one of the things that ought to be on MY list of "here is what I am doing about it". Also getting outside every single day (like you say) and Vitamin D supplements - and I love that 15-minute idea!


  2. I love the idea of you having gratitude lists going all day in different notebooks... and I love that you're getting outside more, you have a wonderful way of capturing that natural beauty and expressing your appreciation of it (and inviting other people to as well). Hope the weather cooperates with sunshine this week for you! I can't wait to see you in June!!!