and she freaks out...

i hold pretty dear to my heart the fact

and it is a true fact,

that i am a very calm mother.

it takes alot to rattle me-at least on the outside.

i specialize in staying calm in a crisis, having the ability to not enforce my agenda on others and being patient.

patient as a saint some days.

( i wonder about that saying)

but this morning

i didn't exactly keep calm

i didn't even keep calm and carry on.

i stewed and muttered and swore and raised my voice

and closed the door quite loudly.

yup.

true story.

and looking back at the morning meltdown

which i have apologized for and restated my needs using "i" words so that i feel heard,

i am aware again that it's all about balance.

i was feeling used. feeling the pressure of being constantly available to others all the time

and not having an out of house job to go to,

or for that matter a job at all, other than the one called parenting,

it is super easy to get the lines blurry.

i am available all the time and this is both a privilige and a problem.

delaying gratification or wants or even needs being met is not happening here at my house

for anyone

 except me.

 i am delaying and not even considering my needs because i am very dedicated and busy considering theirs.

which is fine.

except i don't need to be always considering the wants and the instant desires. those are not needs. they are nothing more than that whims of adolescence

and i'm pretty sure i'm not doing anyone any favours by jumping each time a request is made.

i need to figure this out.