finding daily beauty

Loving Right Now

rhubarb

i am in love with this plant this year for the first time ever

can't get enough of it...

people who plant vegetables in random spots and containers

gutter gardens, tire gardens, gardens that grow where you just wouldn't think they would.

love this...

my front flower bed.

love that every plant in it was given to me from someone

it isn't the prettiest bed, and i neglect it horribly and it doesn't benefit from rain because of the eves but i love that it is filling up all through generosity.

garden saving expeditions

i love that this past weekend owen, judi and i went and saved some plants before the house was demolished.

it felt right.

fresh eggs

our chickens are learning to lay and we now are getting 3 eggs a day, most days.

it's a noisy affair and seems to take all day but still,

fresh eggs from the backyard.

yes. i love this!

daisies and flowers that have been gathered by small hands.

it's been 6 months since i stopped working and i notice it now more than ever.

spring is here and my house would have been filled with flowers and grasses and random leaves gathered on spring walks.

this little bunch was gathered by Alice, our niece and I enjoyed it over dinner one night at Grandma's house.

.

Our kitten Marmalade

I call him JamJam for short.

We love him.

The gardens

I am loving having two gardens.

The big one at the farm and the small one at home.

I love that we are discovering new ways to use what grows in abundance,

like Mint and Borage and Kale and Calendula Flowers.

those are a few of the things I am loving right now.

what about you?

this makes it sound alright.

as i've been thinking about where i am at right now

and how i need to move forward and be supported in that movement

there has been such a comfort in being able to rely on what i know about supported learning and now applying it to myself.

the zone of proximal development briefly and in simple terms is recognizing what a learner can do without help and what he/she can do with help.

and then allowing that learner to follow another's example and gradually develop the ability to do certain tasks without help.

so, a mentor, a guide, an example, an inspiration.

all perfectly wonderful support systems that used to always be in place with smaller communties and tight knit families and deep relationships.

for me, being able to frame a need within an educational context helps me accept it as alright because i have always believed that part of being congruent in what i model for others means i should also be willing to use the strategy myself if necessary.

(i don't think i ever thought it would be necessary at some deep level though..oh the undoing of pride and the walking in humility is such a curious process)

so in regards to the aspects of my life that are struggling it seems very acceptable to find support and also to recognize what is going very well and what is managable for me as well as recognize what is not managable, accept those limitations and make a support plan to move forward.

fun.

risky and vulnerable.

inspiring hope.

feelings of self doubt rising to the surface.

it's a mixed bag of emotions here let me tell you.

then, in my reading and digging i find this quote and i know that it is going to be alright.

"the zone of proximal development defines functions that have not matured yet,

but are in a process of maturing, that will mature tomorrow,that are currently in an embryonic state; these functions could be called the buds of development, the flowers of development, rather than the fruits of development, that is, what is only just maturing.

!!!!

i understand the language of buds and flowers and fruits  and that there is no character flaw in any stage.

each stage of developement serves a vital place in the full maturation of any living organism.

even me.

 every one, including myself needs to continually rebirth and in that there will be stages where i am not completly mature... but this is okay..the fruit is coming. in the right season...and some of the fruit has already matured and fallen or been used by others to strenghten them in their journey.

i am creating lists today.

my assets..what is going well. what i have to offer. what i have mastery over. what is easy and successful for me

and,

what i need to be supported in. where i actually just can't do it alone, even though i have been trying.

these are the areas that i need to call in the examples to follow.

so if i start asking for help, don't be suprised.

scaffolding

i'm thinking that my scaffolding is being taken down.

 without my permission and some faster than i of course, would like.

but it's coming down.

there is a pile of rubble at my feet every time i look down.

yesterday, the word began kicking around in my head

and being i woke up this morning,

after a painful sleep,

still thinking about it

i decided it was time to dig a bit deeper.

i love when a word does that. gets inside you and forces a conversation.

scaffolding:

 a temporary structure used to support people and materials in the construction or repair of buildings and other large structures

it is easy for me to make the leap from scaffoldings surrounding a building that is under repair or construction to scaffolding being the busyness and attachments we place on external experiences and activities to support our self worth. to create who we want to be. or want the world to see us as.

this is the type of scaffolding that is falling down around me.

the value that comes from work and a paycheck, the security we feel when we are healthy and the world feels conquerable, the pride we attain from having a family that is functioning "well"

these are the scaffoldings that have supported me,brought me a sense of self, comforted me,

 allowed my pride to continue to grow rather than diminish,

 and instead of being temporary they have been standing a very long time and become somewhat permanent.

they were never meant to be.

but not any more.

they are being dismantled piece by piece and it is noisy, chaotic, dusty and painful work. the screws holding the scaffolding together are bound tight and needing to be wrenched loose. the building behind the scaffolding is slowly being revealed and while some of it is lovely and fresh, there are raw spots that are shying away from the light.

deconstruction is always slow, meticulous work and i am in the midst of it

and still suprised to find myself here.

so as i am being cleared away of the temporary supports that has defined me for too long,  i will explore my prefered form of scaffolding and one that i am very familiar with:

instructional scaffolding

a learning process designed to promote deeper learning. Scaffolding is the support given during the learning process which is tailored to the needs of the student with the intention of helping the student meet his/her goals

guess who the student is in this definition?

yup, me.

this type of scaffolding relies on collaboration and follow through and practice and the end result is moving from a place of being stuck to a new found ability to soar on one's own.

i'm currently in the follow through and practice stages.

i need to continually be reminded to take care of myself. to nourish myself. to remember myself.

to put myself in the equation

instructional scaffolding

 relies heavily on the work of Vygotsky and the Zone of Proximal Development

and is an educational stategy I used frequently in my work.

now, it's time to use it on myself.

this should be fun.

yes, it's geared towards children and students but really,

 are we not all learning all the time.

are we not all students of this journey we call life?

i certainly am.

 and if i valued this stragegy enough to use it with the students i loved immensely, surely i can adapt and use it for myself.

more tomorrow.

just a photo or two...

it's a thin line i walk somedays.

the tears started at 10:15 when i reilized the keys to the car

were with Owen who was 45 minutes away

and i needed, in a big way, to be downtown in that exact amount of time.

impossible to fix i though

and so the tears started.

and my goodness there were alot of them waiting to spill out and over.

of course,

i also had two strong minded individuals,

my "book ends" i call them

needing rides from me as well

so not only had i inconveniences myself,

i also now had disrupted the lives of caleb and hannah.

this felt formidable.

 and the tears fell faster.

we ended up taking a taxi we couldn't afford to the places we needed to be.

i'm still crying and the two children are unimpressed to say the least.

i am wearing sunglasses of course to hide the breakdown but they know.

everyone knows.

we make it to our appointment with time to spare so i figure tea will work as a peace offering to the girl for all the morning drama and also will help me stop crying.

"chai tea with almond milk" i whisper to the barista as i can't speak yet

and a "chocolate shillling"

that's a little gluten free cookie that looks very chocolaty and should also help.

"just one" she asks? i nod.

the girl gets her drink first and leaves me standing there waiting for mine, so she isn't late. she still loves me at this point and just thinks i am weird.

that is all gonna change but at this point she is okay with her mother.

i eat my cookie while waiting for my drink. which is forgotten and others are made first. but this is okay because i am a patient person and have no where to be for an hour.

the cookie helped.

the drink was made wrong..dairy instead of almond but he remakes it and i order 6 more cookies.

i eat three more before i even get to the office to wait for hannah.

and i am still crying.

alot.

 at this point i am needing to get out the kleenex to stop the drips and while i am sitting in a counselling office filled with caring individuals,

they all give me wide birth.

the girl is making plans, filling out forms, wandering around the office like she owns the place because she is very comfortable there and is excited with what she is setting up.

i am filled with fear and hurt and despair and my sniffling gets louder.

suddenly she is standing before me and i am needed in the back room

 i start sobbing. full on sobbing.

for no reason other than i haven't cried for so long and the keys got lost and the taxi was expensive and my girl is so hopeful and confident in her plans and i am not.

this is where she loses patience with me.

why am i crying. what is my problem. she pats my back and laughs at me.

she needs me to stop crying. i need to keep crying. it's an unsolvable problem.

M. looks quietly at the floor while Hannah and I have this exchange and I do what I need to do and stumble out the door, leaving them to finish up their time together.

we still have to get home on a bus to get home, i am thinking.

this feels impossible.

  Thankfully, Owen, who is feeling bad he had my keys but really has no time to spare in his crazy day  came and met us, willing to drive us home, and hannah bought me a gingerale

as a peace offering.

the second peace offering of the day.

i didn't drink it.

i cried all the way home while Owen patted my leg and Hannah texted non stop,

probably about me.

probably not. actually.

it's only noon people and there is still an entire afternoon to navigate.

 i eat more cookies. now my stomach hurts.

next stop: the offices of the local high school.

oh.my.goodness.not.today.please.

but off we go, now with a car to drive, still crying but at least i am driving.

and we spend an hour in the school and i don't cry once.

until we get home.

and it starts again.

i head to the bath.

but neglect to notice i am filling it with lukewarm water, not hot.

this is not helpful. a lukewarm bath does nothing but make one feel lukewarm.

then there is a fight. of course. there is. how could either her or i survive that much stress without turning on each other.

that would have required an inner strenght  that i did not have.

the fight results in more tears

 on my part

 and a drive to the beach where all the stress and anxiety that comes with trying to love this girl through these tough days spills down my face.

all the fears and the brokeness and the exhaustion come pouring out.

my face is super clean.

i return home after she has left for work

and i lie in a crumpled heap on the floor where i am found by owen when he returns home from a long day at work.

we lie together on the floor that really needs to be vacuumed, i notice,

and i create scenarios that are elaborate and only partially true and are all rooted in fear, and try to not spill out all the ugly that is going on in my head and heart.

this goes on for quite a while.

i have by now, stopped eating the cookies and moved on to just eating nothing.

and of course, crying is hard work and i am cold and shivery and hungry but refuse to take care of myself and so it goes for another hour or so.

the story ends as it always does.

love wins. again. always.

 the prayers are heard and answered. the girl returns from work just fine and with another peace offering which i gratefully accept ..we hug and i can feel the exhale.

my body and brain are done. taxed further than they want to be.

the headache arrives and we all settle on the couch to re connect with each other and to recover from a very long day.

Marmalade, our brand new kitty helps us with that.

today is a new day. and i am optimistic it is going to be much better.

weekending

i'm trying to spend more time barefooted.

i feel more aware and connected that way.

tender and tough at the same time.