Wednesday, June 6, 2012

it's a thin line i walk somedays.

the tears started at 10:15 when i reilized the keys to the car
were with Owen who was 45 minutes away
and i needed, in a big way, to be downtown in that exact amount of time.

impossible to fix i though
and so the tears started.
and my goodness there were alot of them waiting to spill out and over.

of course,
i also had two strong minded individuals,
my "book ends" i call them
needing rides from me as well
so not only had i inconveniences myself,
i also now had disrupted the lives of caleb and hannah.

this felt formidable.
 and the tears fell faster.

we ended up taking a taxi we couldn't afford to the places we needed to be.
i'm still crying and the two children are unimpressed to say the least.
i am wearing sunglasses of course to hide the breakdown but they know.
everyone knows.

we make it to our appointment with time to spare so i figure tea will work as a peace offering to the girl for all the morning drama and also will help me stop crying.

"chai tea with almond milk" i whisper to the barista as i can't speak yet
and a "chocolate shillling"
that's a little gluten free cookie that looks very chocolaty and should also help.
"just one" she asks? i nod.

the girl gets her drink first and leaves me standing there waiting for mine, so she isn't late. she still loves me at this point and just thinks i am weird.
that is all gonna change but at this point she is okay with her mother.

i eat my cookie while waiting for my drink. which is forgotten and others are made first. but this is okay because i am a patient person and have no where to be for an hour.
the cookie helped.
the drink was made wrong..dairy instead of almond but he remakes it and i order 6 more cookies.

i eat three more before i even get to the office to wait for hannah.
and i am still crying.
 at this point i am needing to get out the kleenex to stop the drips and while i am sitting in a counselling office filled with caring individuals,
they all give me wide birth.
the girl is making plans, filling out forms, wandering around the office like she owns the place because she is very comfortable there and is excited with what she is setting up.
i am filled with fear and hurt and despair and my sniffling gets louder.
suddenly she is standing before me and i am needed in the back room
 i start sobbing. full on sobbing.
for no reason other than i haven't cried for so long and the keys got lost and the taxi was expensive and my girl is so hopeful and confident in her plans and i am not.

this is where she loses patience with me.
why am i crying. what is my problem. she pats my back and laughs at me.
she needs me to stop crying. i need to keep crying. it's an unsolvable problem.
M. looks quietly at the floor while Hannah and I have this exchange and I do what I need to do and stumble out the door, leaving them to finish up their time together.

we still have to get home on a bus to get home, i am thinking.
this feels impossible.
  Thankfully, Owen, who is feeling bad he had my keys but really has no time to spare in his crazy day  came and met us, willing to drive us home, and hannah bought me a gingerale
as a peace offering.
the second peace offering of the day.
i didn't drink it.
i cried all the way home while Owen patted my leg and Hannah texted non stop,
probably about me.
probably not. actually.

it's only noon people and there is still an entire afternoon to navigate.
 i eat more cookies. now my stomach hurts.
next stop: the offices of the local high school.

but off we go, now with a car to drive, still crying but at least i am driving.
and we spend an hour in the school and i don't cry once.
until we get home.
and it starts again.
i head to the bath.
but neglect to notice i am filling it with lukewarm water, not hot.
this is not helpful. a lukewarm bath does nothing but make one feel lukewarm.

then there is a fight. of course. there is. how could either her or i survive that much stress without turning on each other.
that would have required an inner strenght  that i did not have.
the fight results in more tears
 on my part
 and a drive to the beach where all the stress and anxiety that comes with trying to love this girl through these tough days spills down my face.
all the fears and the brokeness and the exhaustion come pouring out.
my face is super clean.

i return home after she has left for work
and i lie in a crumpled heap on the floor where i am found by owen when he returns home from a long day at work.
we lie together on the floor that really needs to be vacuumed, i notice,
and i create scenarios that are elaborate and only partially true and are all rooted in fear, and try to not spill out all the ugly that is going on in my head and heart.

this goes on for quite a while.
i have by now, stopped eating the cookies and moved on to just eating nothing.
and of course, crying is hard work and i am cold and shivery and hungry but refuse to take care of myself and so it goes for another hour or so.

the story ends as it always does.
love wins. again. always.
 the prayers are heard and answered. the girl returns from work just fine and with another peace offering which i gratefully accept ..we hug and i can feel the exhale.
my body and brain are done. taxed further than they want to be.
the headache arrives and we all settle on the couch to re connect with each other and to recover from a very long day.

Marmalade, our brand new kitty helps us with that.
today is a new day. and i am optimistic it is going to be much better.


  1. Your tears were contagious while reading this...sniff, sniff. I will be okay :) , just feeling your pain and despair. I have had melt downs over getting stuck in the snow in my driveway, and no, it wasn't really about the snow or being stuck. Some days we are stronger than others, some days we are fragile. Most of the time I have hidden my tears, perhaps not the best choice, as then my loved ones don't know how much I am hurting, and there are no peace offerings or anyone to lie beside me.
    Hugs to you, my friend <3

    1. it never really is about the lost keys or the snow is is? it's often so much deeper than what we think. today is a fragile, tender day and feels lighter than yesterday...perhaps because i lost a million pounds of water:) love you friend of mine! xoxox