this beach and i had a fling;)

it is no secret that i am a lover

of the ocean.

i search them out and feel lost when i haven't been to one often.

my bucket list includes dipping my toes in all the major oceans of the world

(i have done so in 5 so far)

 

so when we stumbled upon this black sand beach,

inhabited by no one but us 

i kinda, sorta, lost my mind with happiness.

 

this is when i noticed he was taking photos.

i was unaware my ocean frolicking was being documented.

 i think what was most amazing about this day and this beach

 in Costa Rica

was that it was completely unplanned.

my wandering spirit was alive and well and all i wanted/needed to do was get

into our little rental vehicle and drive.

drive where we had never been before and without a plan.

we were hot and sticky and some of us were doubtful of 

my plan to go,

well, nowhere.

we found paradise.

 

 

when my blog becomes all about vacation photos and chocolate

 we spent 12 days in Costa Rica at the beginning of May.

People want photos I keep hearing, and I have stories to share,

so I shall blog. I am not sure that I am a vacation blogger but we shall see.

 let's talk about cacao first.

 

 i 

i had no idea

this is how it grows!

how cool is this to stumble upon in a jungle forest,

surrounded by sloths, toucans, howler monkeys, dripping humidity, lazy rivers and the occasional loud buzzing insect.

 

 

 and squirrels too. 

they are a nuisance to gardeners everywhere it would seem.

 

 here is a pod freshly cracked open filled with the seeds. they are coated in what is a rather unusually tasting slime. not what one would expect. 

but if you suck all that off, then you find the chocolate, 

he promised.

 
 

there! see it?

 if you love bitter chocolate, more bitter than you can imagine,

then this is for you. this is straight from the pod, to the drying table, to your mouth.

oh my. so very organic and farm to table:)

the smell was heavenly. 

and we could feel ourselves getting happier by the moment from all those endorphins being released.

i  have a fondness for woodstoves, thanks to my childhood

so was quite delighted to roast the cacao over the fire.

 the grinding into cocao powder was much harder than it might look.

musings.

 

i am sleeping less these weeks.

perhaps it is because of my age i wonder

and that forces me to remember my age

and i shake my head and try to figure out

how.that.happened.

 

 which leads my mind down a path of musing  of other significant numbers.

i think of my first boy.

the one who spends his days and nights preparing very delicious food

in a very delicious restaurant for very delicious people

and the food is sometimes so good  on the plate before me

that i want.to.cry.

how did my boy child become a full grown man

who now offers to buy my purchases for me if we go through the checkout together?

 it is a comfort to have wonderings that are filled with gratitude rather than concern.

i am grateful.

my musing of late has also been about my marriage

and i think about the 10 years we have spent together,

my owen and i.

and i can't help but notice how 5 of those 10 have included my illness.

this realization  stops me in mid thought and i have a choice to make.

even in our musings we can direct the path.

i  choose to focus, for this long night at least,

on the easy parts, the free spilling abundant life we live together.

i refuse to define our relationship through the lens of chronic illness and struggle

but half our lives together..that kinda feels heavy you know?

and then my musing turn to marriage in the wider sense

and i wonder.

have i been married for 10 years or have i been married for 23?

this is not meant to offend or hurt 

and when someone

asks me how long i have been married

 i of course answer 10 because we are referring to my life now,

but if i am having a deeper conversation 

or if i am wandering through my life in my thoughts

 it makes sense that i would include my first marriage.

after all,

darryl and i were married and that counts.

the numbers attached to marriage seem to be important to people.

and i find myself wondering about this.

musings keep me company when the house sleeps and i notice that

for the most part the wonderings are lighter and more playful in nature these days.

i am able to direct my path and choose my response with more positivity than before.

my gratitude practice, my optimism,

 my discipline of seeing the good in all things is becoming second nature.

i wander through the stories that are deep but i also spend time on the shores

thinking of nothing more important than paint and seed and toy and book.

my manifesto working itself out in my days.

often spring became deep and serious for me and rather than shedding

the heavy coat of winter i would often be found buckling it up tighter.

each passing spring, the load feels lighter 

and i am happy that this year it feels the lightest of all.

xo

i go looking..

 

 

 

 

colour makes my heart sing

stay

 

stay.

 

i see the word over and over in the comments.

some of you just simply write the word

stay.

  others pen me love notes and affirmations,

reminders, and gentle chastises. 

some of you i don't know by name,

yet you took the time to ask me to stay.

to thank me for writing.

 to show up for me.

-wow-

 all the words settle on my heart with the gentleness of a feather-

 

make my heart quicken and quiet.

can  that happen at the same time?

of course it can and it does.

there is an inhale and a deep exhale.

a softening rather than a hardening.

my shoulders relax.

that confirmation of what i needed to hear

 the gentle little push to continue being who i am

it  became forgotten briefly

 {again}

 in the roar and rush of a life unsettled.

a roar and a rush 

despite the constant practices of quieting my  being.

{this is hard work and needs to be faced with diligence}

of course i am going to quake and waver

when time and time again i awake to a  challenging day

and decide to root my feet and face it head on.

{today is day one}

 you do the same i know

and i am in awe

 of your bravery and forward marching, 

crawling, skipping, walking,

however you navigate dawn till dusk.

be it in words, in work, in quiet surrender, in prayer, in paint,

in tools and dust, in books, at desks, with pots and pans,

in ditches, in fields, with others, in solitude, in the company of the elderly or the little

or the ones in between, 

be it with dirt and seed or pen and paper.

your navigating, my navigating is beauty.

i am in awe of us all really

and i want to share my journey with you.

please continue to teach me how

by being who you are meant to be.

i will continue to.

thank you.

my appreciation for your love of me,

your belief in me,

your rooting for me 

means the world to me.

it really does.

xox

 

this space.

 

this space.

this blog, this open journal that has partial, small

glimpses of my life-

we have become at odds again lately.

i want to be here but find that i am careful with my words

as of late.

this has happened before and i left for a while, 

but the clicking of the keys drew me back.

i missed them.

part of me,

a large part wants this to be a place of happiness and light.

of pretty and free.

i do not want people like you
my dear reader

to wonder each time you open my blog 

as to what you will find.

will she be depressed today? sicker than yesterday perhaps?

lighthearted and creative? dark and deep?

 

i worry that i will be seen as self indulgent

or seeking pity or worse yet, looking for attention.

{and yes i know, that my blog is for me

 and it doesn't really matter what others think.

 it really isn't that big of a deal, 

 but for me it does, so please indulge me}

i came here each day to share my heart, my journey and 

when this blog began with my dear friend Suzy 

i had no idea that the next 4 years would be 

a journey over difficult terrain.

and that the themes here would be as they are.

i think i imagined a blog that would contain images

of beauty and fun, inspiration and love

a blog that was, well easy.

easy to write, easy to read, easy to want to connect with.

instead it has become a place

 i turn when there is no where else to put down what i need to say.

you see,

i am not gifted with sharing my journey with words over tea.

my face to face community is small.

i jam up, i become clumsy and concerned.

i genuinely want to hear your story 

and that makes it easy to not share mine.

i am working on this and it is becoming easier

but easier only in the sense of

doing something really hard every day makes it easier.

{i do wish sharing our stories wasn't a hard thing.}

 

 so i am at a loss of sorts.

not sure what to do here.

and i come asking those of you who are here faithful with me,

for your thoughts.

 shall i stay or should i go?

 

 

 

 

 

 

what waiting looks like.

i am waiting for the specialist to call.

we have a phone date that was meant to begin 

5 minutes ago.

i have decided that i am going to situate myself

in my sunniest window,

with a cup of extra sweet earl gray tea

because after all

if one needs to be on the receiving end of news

that is either going to be

discouraging, disheartening, depressing

and most likely

life inconvenincing

one can at least be surrounded by beautiful sunshine and extra sweet tea.

do you love extra sweet tea?

i sure do.

{ i also really love a brilliantly made lemon drop martini}

i am aware as this health journey continues on and on and on

that somewhere along the way i have gotten stuck in the stages of acceptance.

i am not yet full circle.

i pretend to be most days

 and i certainly work my program of gratitude, surrender and grace filled living

but really,

i don't think acceptance and i have made friends yet.

i am still in conflict with this condition.

does that ever go away i wonder?

do we need to be in combat 

with it in order to learn how to manage and live with it?

or can acceptance work?

full surrender, this is how it is going to be surrender and acceptance?

{these are not questions that have answers. i know that.}

goodness it takes a long time.

"it takes as long as it takes"

she says and i let those words sink in 

again and again.

the phone rings.

i am off to my sunny spot.

xo