dear you,

-kelly rae roberts-

there was no preparing for today.

for the nausea

the pain

the flare that came

there was no preparing for today.

for the ear ringing

the depression

the bone chilling ache of cold.

there was no preparing.

it is just here.

making peace with disappointment

unfulfilled expectations, being let down

betrayed, hurt, a broken trust

all words that describe disappointment.

 i have been living with

all of these.

i am disappointed in my body.

true fact.

so very disappointed

and that i am beginning to understand

 more deeply

can spill over into being disappointed with myself

not just my body,

but my soul and my heart and my creativity

and all the little parts that make up who i am.

there is bound to be disappointment

when two years of medication

and special diets

and ridiculous restrictions

make absolutly no difference at all

(at least long term)

there is bound to be disappointment

when  my body continually fails to respond to the care

and attention and prayers and rest

and investment we have given it.

of course,

it is perfectly normal to be disappointed.

we all suffer from disappointment and suffer is the correct word

it truly is heart breaking

a trust has been broken and while often disappointment

is about another person, in this case

it is all me.

i am disappointed with myself.

with my body.

me.

that could be damaging

and i don't intend any harm for myself

so i am working out a plan

( i love plans - almost as much as projects)

i have felt the emotion

named it..read about it. defined it.

now i need to forgive my body and move forward.

much like a damanged relationship,

there are sorries to be said and forgiven.

i need to accept and forgive my body

and almost more importantly

i need to love myself

i need to revererate love all over this tired

yet amazing gift of a body

that i have been given.

one of my intentions this year is

to learn to trust my body again

because honestly, i don't right now.

we are not getting along particularly well these days

i know that  a key part of trust for me is reliablility

i need to be able to rely on my body

in order to trust her.

so i am working on getting stronger.

regardless of whether my medication works or doesn't

regardless of how i feel

i can become stronger.

this i can control

and so my plan has been just that

each day

i am doing something physical to make my body stronger

so that i can trust her to carry me wherever i need to go.

" disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal;

it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it."

-Eliza Taylor-

what i like to believe.

"and because of love, you will, i will,

we will, come to be"

-p. neruda-

list one of 2012

(each day i record things i am grateful for-every once in a while i record them here)

no baby gates to navigate, Thad's increasingly confident driving skills, slippers,the ache in muscles that comes from exercise, not sickness., a shared pot of tea with hannah, hannah reading her novel peacefully, stew bubbling on the stove, the soothing presence of my husband, my journals, her ability and willingness to say NO! (so proud, i am),a big blank book to record this year

recognizing fear and facing it head on, sleeping in, the rhythmic pattern of rain, the soothing balm of a perfect poem, hot tears, rain walks, reilizations about oneself, Thad going to the pool to swim laps, spending the entire evening in the presence of my laughter filled family

waking up to the smell of pancakes, even when you can't eat them-they still smell delicious, waking up with much more courage than the day before, indulging in (just one) cup of Earl Gray Tea (caffeine is a no-no for me),the feeling of alive muscles from exercise, tea with hannah, handwritten letters, the satisfaction of slow cooked meals, hannah's laughter, Gideon leaning up against the counter listening to me reading The Chrysalid's to Hannah, Thad cooking for Gideon

the freedom to stay in bed when i am sick, the grace my friends and family extend me when i need to cancel plans due to feeling under the weather, a pot of tea, warm hoodies with the hood cinched up tight, brave-brave mama's doing their very best with honesty and vulnerabliltiy, yoga and the girl, perfect books that find me, turning up the heat and not feeling guilty

the forest

yesterday as i stumbled

afraid and at moments

truly terrified through my day

i went to the forest.

to the trees that i wandered through

daily when i was working.

it was pouring rain

and yet i felt compelled

to go.

to get out of the house,

away from the walls that i

thought were pressing in upon me

with untrue expectations and stories.

there was a familiar comfort to

pulling on my rubber boots and my raincoat

reminding me of a time not long ago

that kept me so busy and so fulfilled.

i walked down the path

and stopped to fix the paper chain

that still hangs bravely from it's branches.

i stopped also at the love birds

we had hung and read the words.

love.

peace.

hope.

and finally i stopped

at the magnificent tree,

the tree that holds mystery

and speaks of past harm

and present resiliance.

the rain drops and tears

mingled together on my cheeks

it was hard to tell where they started

and ended.

when i returned home,

to homeschooling and dinner prep

and laundry and floor sweeping

i felt more grounded.

still slightly terrified

(those feelings took almost all day to disipate)

but more secure

in the comfort that comes from spending time in nature.

i am so blessed to live right beside a sanctuary.

the river is swollen with rain and threatening to cover the trail soon.

the path is becoming more puddle filled each hour

and there are days soon when i won't be able to wander safely there.

i am grateful for the comfort that comes

from wandering among the trees

or sitting by the running water.

today is a brighter day.

the rain is still pouring down

but my heart and my head and my soul

are speaking kindly to each other.

to me.

and there is gentle love coming this way.

this afraid part can be very noisy sometimes...

this afraid part,

when you are not sure where you are heading

and when you will be back

can be very noisy sometimes.

filling my head with scary thoughts

and deep insecurities

and noisy lies.

this afraid part

can stop me in my tracks.

cancel all my plans and hopes and dreams

for the day.

this afraid part

shouts and whispers words

and thoughts that are untrue

but they freeze me up just the same.

shouts and whispers

words that are heavy and dark and unkind

selfish, alone, lost, useless, forgotten, weak, sick, afraid

this afraid part

has always been a part of me

and used to come out to play with my heart and my soul and my head

almost every day

but for a while,

a long while,

this has not been the case.

and i did not invite this afraid part to play today

but she came anyway

right when i got out of bed.

how rude is that?

i hadn't even had my tea

or said my prayers

or anything.

she just came.

uninvited.

so i shall ask her to leave

i tried earlier but with no success

so i shall ask again.

with the bravery i have deep within

and she will leave.

this afraid part

will not define me today.

my wish for you...

i hope you will have a wonderful year

that you'll dream dangerously

and outrageously,

that you'll make something

that didn't exist before,

that you will be loved and you will be liked,

and that you will have people

to love and to like in return.

and most important

(because i think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world)

that you will, when you need to be,

be wise,

and that you will always be kind.