with use.

 

i read it, 

and then find myself going back and reading it again,

the words,

 then the deeper meaning,

 the questions about such a sentence possibly being true,

 and finally

i agree and the words finds a home.

 "Our friendships will flourish with (its) use"

 -sark-

friendships and i have had a rough go since i 

became sick those few years ago.

the story is not unique but it hurt all the same.

sometimes people need to disappear when we present them

 with the new shadow of whom we were,

when we cancel more than commit,

when we can't eat anything in their house

and goodness,

 what do people do together 

better than break bread together?

isolation comes like a thief in the night.

 

when we are a trigger 

of past stories and ghosts

long forgotten.

i disappeared too

 when their lives were a daily reminder

 of what i thought i had lost forever,

 but really had just lost for a season 

when i thought that i wasn't worthy without all the 

performances i used to engage in to earn people's love.

when the reality often was that i was too sick, too tired, 

too broken to leave the couch.

it became a dark journey.

a lonely one.

a fearful walk between my heart and my brain.

{how i wish i had chosen differently}

i read the sentence again,

drawn to it like a magnet searching for its opposite.

"our friendship with flourish with use"

 

and i think about my life now,

the life that has passed through those shadow lands for now

a life that is filled with connections, 

so many shiny and new,

  some old, steadfast and rooted deep

and i let the words seep into the place 

of my heart that are still guarded and locked up tight.

flourish

with 

use

abundance. not lack.

freely giving freely receiving

this.

this is what i choose.

  xoxox

ps..

my old and steadfast friends,

thank you for  just showing up to my couch during those dark of dark days...

you know who you are:)