what it actually looks like at this moment in my life.

we haven't had hot water for 2 days

and the kitchen is a mess.

i have no intention of cooking tonight

even though that is financially
"irresponsible"

whatever that happens to mean.

it is hard to do dishes without hot water.

also, you should see my hair.

oh my!

there aren't any new photos to use on my blog 

because i can't find the cord to connect my phone,

so i look back through old ones to use,

and hope they aren't reposts.

but i don't actually care all that much

if they are.

the living room is collecting random piles 

that share parts of the individual stories that are played out in our home.

i can tell that children have been here,

i see the piles of their books,

 the sticker pictures

 once so precious but forgotten in the transition to home.

{i will save them, just in case they remember}

there is evidence of Hannah and Cody playing scrabble.

i wonder is she won again?

this makes her quite proud.

tea has been drunk recently and 

someone needs to vacuum-

please!

the gravol bottles are becoming empty,

same as the pain killers, the muscle relaxants.

there are sick and sore people here.

we are looking for relief.

with the medicine and the juicing and the chocolate.

it isn't working.

neither is the endless napping, 

the trips to the chiropractor, 

the magazine buying.

i spilled words all over a page last night

and pushed send.

i felt ill.

too much spilling. not enough editing.

it doesn't matter though

they are words.

 just words.

i want to see my friend

and my family,

to drink tea with 

owen's sisters.

but there isn't the energy or the time.

how does that happen?

at this moment  my life

it looks messy and dull

and i find myself wanting to wander away

to somewhere else.

but i know that i know

that this is just a moment,

and there are gifts here too.

endless illness fogs up my vision.

there is no trusting the emotions that swirl in this place.

sometimes i tire of the gifts

 that come disguised as lessons, as challenges, as opportunities.

i would prefer pretty presents please.

i tell owen that i don't really need to keep practicing

empathy through experience.

really, i am done with all that for now

i say with a sigh.

 he smiles at me

knowing that comment is just me

 delayed in my very human complaining

about what would long ago  been okay to have been  too much 

but i am just now deciding to tire of it.

my cat sleeps through the mess

perches on the unfolded blankets.

i go hide for a while

there is always tomorrow.

or a someday to find these places again.

xo

 

laughter

life is serious you know?

and as one who spends a lot of time-

perhaps too much time

 being introspective

and in deep question mode,

sick and tired

stretched thin and fragile mode

i need to lighten up.

 there are the times like the one above-

where i just can't keep a serious face for another moment.

 {and going all the way to Thailand to cut loose was pretty awesome-just look at those pants}

or there are times when we will be sitting around quietly

reading or being on our phones,

caught up in our own worlds

and i will suddenly 

LEAP

across the room and tackle that man of mine

and before you know it there is laughter and silliness and an overflow

of so much love.

perhaps in the middle of a most serious day,

which most seem to be,

yes?

i can find myself being laughed at by one of my little's

as i read a most ridiculous story

or i may find myself laughing with them as they do the most absurd things.

{gosh i love my job-so much laughter}

sometimes it takes a very funny movie

or a passage in a book

like a few nights ago,

that found me giggling away 

without any way of stopping to 

share just what was so funny.

laughter was abundant last week

when the curly haired girl and i tried out

aqua zumba...

are you kidding me..

do THAT in a pool?

i almost drown..

in the shallow end!

i am looking for laughter more these days,

seeking it out,

finding it in unlikely places,

new places

like on a skype date with a dear kindred

{skype is very new to me}

i am discovering of course

that  the more we look for it,

embrace it,

ALLOW for the joy,

the silliness 

the ridiculousness of the moment

 to fill and flow over,

lightheartedness follows

and i will always welcome more of that in my life.

[it's a nice balance,yes?]

and those pants

well  in Thailand, they felt just right

yet every time i put them on here, i find myself thinking;

"really Tania, really?"

i think i need to go back!

thankful.

 

for quiet morning, green juice, extra deep baths,

the laughter and tears that have filled

the house this week,

saying "yes!" and experiencing new opportunities,

messy paint stained hands, conversations with strangers,

brave mama stories and communities that gather.

thankful for the ease of texting love and the joy of mailbox messages,

hard conversations that can turn soft with the right approach,

money jars with trip plans written on the front

for tea with a friend

for the warmth of shared stories

for pushing through and feeling the release,

reading blogs that just might convince me it is okay to search for Him again,

children's art, my art, your art

the gifts that are given without anyone ever seeing

the wonder of the fog and forest

tall majestic trees

thankful that i am learning to be angry

to find a way to honour my emotions and not suppress and also not cause harm

paint chips that have just the right word as the colour description.

being wise enough to not blame god for what happened,

knowing it wasn't him. it really wasn't.

with use.

 

i read it, 

and then find myself going back and reading it again,

the words,

 then the deeper meaning,

 the questions about such a sentence possibly being true,

 and finally

i agree and the words finds a home.

 "Our friendships will flourish with (its) use"

 -sark-

friendships and i have had a rough go since i 

became sick those few years ago.

the story is not unique but it hurt all the same.

sometimes people need to disappear when we present them

 with the new shadow of whom we were,

when we cancel more than commit,

when we can't eat anything in their house

and goodness,

 what do people do together 

better than break bread together?

isolation comes like a thief in the night.

 

when we are a trigger 

of past stories and ghosts

long forgotten.

i disappeared too

 when their lives were a daily reminder

 of what i thought i had lost forever,

 but really had just lost for a season 

when i thought that i wasn't worthy without all the 

performances i used to engage in to earn people's love.

when the reality often was that i was too sick, too tired, 

too broken to leave the couch.

it became a dark journey.

a lonely one.

a fearful walk between my heart and my brain.

{how i wish i had chosen differently}

i read the sentence again,

drawn to it like a magnet searching for its opposite.

"our friendship with flourish with use"

 

and i think about my life now,

the life that has passed through those shadow lands for now

a life that is filled with connections, 

so many shiny and new,

  some old, steadfast and rooted deep

and i let the words seep into the place 

of my heart that are still guarded and locked up tight.

flourish

with 

use

abundance. not lack.

freely giving freely receiving

this.

this is what i choose.

  xoxox

ps..

my old and steadfast friends,

thank you for  just showing up to my couch during those dark of dark days...

you know who you are:)

 

 

 

 

 

i am here today..

 

http://e-everydayart.com/

thank you Erica for sharing a piece of my heart

in such a lovely way

xoxox

 

today arrived

 

January 1st arrived. 

Despite my refusal to create 

end of year blog posts, my year in photo reviews,

lists to-dos, word choosing, resolutions, project ideas.

Despite all my boycotting of all those above good and wonderful practices

that I have for so many years participated in and loved oh so much.

Even with my wavering around this brand new

 "i will do nothing" stance 

despite the occasional

(well, frequent i suppose) 

lamenting  about how strange it felt,

today arrived.

and with today came an

unexpected feeling of anticipation and newness

that hadn't required any pre planning on my part.

{well, imagine that!}

conversations began to happen, 

unfold, and grow 

between owen and myself,

between my heart and my head

and i realized that fear,

fear of failure, fear of quitting, 

of not being able to sustain, 

to maintain, 

of not succeeding

that was what this boycotting was actually all about.

fear

was standing right there

 on my path that leads me forward

blocking my way and my view.

 

i still have no intentions of resolution lists to be made in haste so i am not behind,

there will be no new grand projects.

 however

 realizing that it was a fear of failing 

and saying

"hello! 

this is not how i am choosing to start today" 

allowed for a shift.

 Suddenly there was new energy flowing

and i found myself free

 to see and remember

 what i might choose to embark on

{today}

that would bring me joy.

renewing my commitment to my gratitude's.

but with a twist.

not in a notebook as in the past

 but through my IG photo stream

with a fun new hash-tag

#lovemylife2014

starting a new commitment to doing.

not in a 

"i must perform to be worthy doing",

but a

"you got this Tania, no go do it"

doing.

{that feels good}

and has a hash-tag too!

#stopknowingandstartdoing

-insert laughing at myself here for my intense love affair with Instagram-

i am happy to have cleared the path today.

it's steep..i can see that again, but so much longer and friendlier 

with the fear pushed aside for today.

xox