today has looked like this...

i woke up with a deep feeling of sadness

so

i hid under the covers for a while

while owen chatted with his lovely sister

on the phone

 then i

staggered somewhat awake

downstairs and in an attempt

to jolly things up

put on our christmas playlist.

after a few songs and a cup of tea

it occured to me

that either we don't have the greatest

playlist or there are alot of sad christmas songs out there.

i turned the music off.

it wasn't helping much.

my mornings are particulary

lovely because i am greeted

by a very cheerful little mister

at my door

and when he drops his stuffed dog at my feet

and chats away about the newest thing

it is hard to feel sad for very long.

however,

sorrow can be persistant

and really,

it probably is a mix of sorrow

and just feeling sorry for myself

which i have no reason to be doing

but hey,

it happens.

so

my glum mood continued

my lovely friend stopped by and after

a rousing chat about the reality of life

and another cup of tea

i was feeling much better

because really,

how long can i afford to stay sad?

i miss alot when I am gloomy.

and i didn't want to miss out on anymore goodness from today.

i really don't!

and of course

 a constant stream

of hugs and kisses

from little people

is the greatest mood booster i know

shadows across the joy

i'm not suprised

to have them arrive.

the shadows that like to

steal the joy

the optimism,

the gratitude

it is my last week of work

and there are deadlines looming ahead

what with christmas and appointments and such.

there is the beautiful blog that i discovered this morning

perfectly composed and beautiful

and it intimidated me

rather than washing over me with beauty.

there is also the sorting and packing up

of the daycare that is beginning

to overwhelm me

what to do with all that stuff

(don't worry mom-i am keeping it)

there's that glimpse in the mirror

that reminds me

that i've been a bit neglectful of myself these days.

what does one do once they no longer

have a job to hide their identity in?

how do i walk through this

transition gracefully, with confidence

and a sense of hope and optimism?

one day at a time.

staying in the moment.

recognizing the anxiety

and giving it space but not power.

making to do lists and crossing things off

one by one.

trusting that i am exactly where i am meant to be

at this moment.

believing that  i have a

bright and shiny future

just as i believe others do

it was strange

to not blog for the past three

days

and it felt odd returning here

as if

the daily habit

had been broken

and wouldn't come back easily.

my words don't flow as easily as they did last week.

it is comforting to return to this space.



birthday blessings...

To my dear friend,

Thank you for being born!

I am so delighted you appeared here,

to frolic and revel in life

at the same time as me.

May your year be lovingly filled

with expansive thinking,

deep loving,

intuitive adventuring

and unfolding of every description.

My you fullly know and feel

the pure value of your being

without performance, proof or resistance.

Mya you receive fully and completely,

each day and night,

all that fills you.

May you give spontaneously without measure.

May you stand (or lie down)

in the center of your life,

without explanation or apology for who you are

in your essence,

for the lessons that come as gifts,

and for your acceptance of those lessons.

May you go inside yourself first

for love and then

receive and accept love from others.

May candles leap high and wild

at the sight of your sweet face.

Happiest Birthday Blessing to you

my endering friend

-sark-

he's a sharer..

i love

the fact

that whenever i ask caleb

a question about cooking

he doesn't even hesitate

in his response.

i love that he

starts rummaging through

the cupboards,

talking all the while

and he

doesn't just answer my question

but he

right then and there

starts to make it.

he chatters away

moving with

confidence and joy

around the kitchen

and before you know it

whatever it was

that i was curious

about

is sitting on my counter

today

i asked about

homemade truffles

yummy chocolate bites

of goodness.

my fridge now has

a plate of them

waiting to be

savoured by whoever

can't resist the

lure of deep rich creamy chocolate.

i love this

 about caleb

i love his enthusiasm

for his craft.

i love that he is a

sharer.

a sharer of what he has learned

and is learning.

when the flu comes to visit...

as i am re reading Ann Voskamp' s

book

One Thousand Gifts

i am

in a heightened state of awareness

around gratitude.

so last night when owen arrived

home from work

very sick

and when i arose from

not a wink of sleep

feeling a little under the weather

i was

careful to look for the good.

owen has a job where he can

stay home if necessary and not be made to feel guilty

we have a big stack of afghans to cuddle under

there are people in our lives willing to bring us whatever we might need

(we don't need anything, which is also a blessing)

as i

have felt less and less well

as the hours are passing by

here is what i am grateful for

thaddeus and his willingness to play with the little ones

carter's amazing interventionsist who feel so at home here

and are so helpful

(my kitchen just became super clean while i read stories)

tea

it is hard practice

always looking for ways to be thankful

and it is

a practice that in my own life

brings abundance

the more grateful i am

the more i see to be grateful for

and the smaller those big problems become

the little problems almost dissapear entirely.

this does not mean that

i am a pro at this.

obviously i am not

but

that's why it's called a practice.

a habit.

a daily intention.

and the little gratitude book

becomes thick with entries

and the blog gratitude lists

keep on coming

and i

count my blessings

one by one

and

before we know it

the flu will be gone.

(gratitude list for today)

the beautiful light that pours through my windows

four year olds who ask to go to bed

the little spots of "pretty" in my house right now

anticipation for our company tomorrow night

the ability to seperate actions from love

the paper chain decorating the bumble bee house in the back yard

warm afghans

a great book to read

scarves

i have men/boys in my life that can cry when they need to

mail

super friendly co-op gas attendants

and of course,

my kefir and honey jar

we went to the creek

this boy and i

summer, fall, winter, and spring

almost every day

for over two years

today

we strung a tree

with a paper chain

that we made together.

yesterday

the tree had a small flock

of blue birds that decided to nest there.

they look quite lovely

i think

and i

giggled

 at the though of who might

stumble upon them

and hopefully

be blessed by their messages

stamped on the back.

perhaps tomorrow

we will add a few

pinecones

rolled in bird seed.

i see this daily decorating

 as a way

of gifting the trail

thanking it for

all of the secrets and delights

that have been shared

with us.

the wonders and adventures

and splashings and runnings.

the milestones of being tall enough

to get up on the stump

and the

 sorrow

when the log was dragged away.

the flora and fauna

that we have encountered

together

deer, squirrels, fungi, wild flowers, snakes, berries, rosehips

ducks, chicadees, slugs

oh!

 our beloved and curiosity provoking slugs

once

a whole family of woodpeckers all in one tree!

we will continue to decorate

the tree

until the end of the week

and leave it

to suprise and delight

those who also love our trail.