for you my precious one...

"I’m here. I love you.

  I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. 

There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love.

  I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you.

I am stronger than Depression

 and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.”   

-elizabeth gilbert-

we are recovering from a broken heart in our house today.

all will be okay. it always is. with time. 

she continues to teach me and i, her.

we make a good team.
 

" i crossed the street to walk in the sunshine"

i sat with my tiredness and my fears.

i listened to my body and the cracks in my heart.

i soaked in the comfort that came from tea and baths and wise words

and warm hugs, and love.

i practiced gratitude even when it seemed there was nothing to be grateful for.

i choose to see the good. to speak the truth. to love with abandon.

i journaled and painted and dug in the dirt

and i wandered beaches and paths and i listened to the birds sing their songs.

i prayed and i spoke affirmations

and i still do.

all these things

i sit with my weariness and the cracks still dry up if they are not carefully watered.

it's a daily thing.

and

 i always cross the street to walk in the sunshine.

it's always there.

i am so grateful for my life.

for the life i share with my family

and dear ones.

for the paths i wander.

i am so blessed and thankful for every little thing.

just needed to say that today.

just a little thank you shout out for my life.

secret messages.

when i first began using instagram

i was unaware of what was going to happen there.

it seemed like the greatest place to store my daily phone photos

and there were some great feeds for me to see other's photos as well.

a lot like flickr without the pressure.

slowly i began to discover a group of women who took photos of,

and wrote in their captions about secret messages

and i was curious.

turns out,

there's a lovely community of women who

 create their journaling art from the words and images found in everyday

gatherings...newspapers, magazines, brochures, ticket stubs..

the stuff a collage artist loves.

and they also send envelopes full of these treasures to each other.

i was able to reach out and become a small part of this group

by asking for addressess and sending my own envelopes to these kindred souls

whom i most likely will never meet or speak to in person.

but we have connected

and there are daily comments back and forth on our photos and

our mailboxes unexpectedly find cheerful envelopes inside.

it is so fun. my family smiles at me and i am pretty sure

can't quite figure out this random new hobby of mine.

i made the picture above last night

as i was trying to recover from my flare yesterday.

the words had arrived in an envelope the day before but i hadn't played with them yet.

pretty perfect timing i think.

(if you would like an envelope of secret messages, send me your address and i will happily mail you one so you can play too!)

that's the way it goes some days..

one of the challenges with a condition such as

colitis

is the unpredictability.

i was hit a few hours ago with such a flare up

that felt like it came out of nowhere and it has left me

vulnerable and sore

 sipping tea, watching tv and waiting for

my Owen to come home so we can nurse our chronic conditions together

(his eyes are giving him grief these days)

this morning i was feeling fine.

doing my thing. making plans for the afternoon.

 when a flare up comes out of nowhere,

even when i have been eating carefully and doing what i think i should be doing,

it throws me.

there's a betrayal that comes each and every time

between my body and i

and i know that once this passes and i am feeling more like myself,

hopefully tomorrow

i will need to begin again the process of loving my body

and making the right choices,

even where there appears to be no reward.

not gonna lie,

this gets wearysome. and old. and frustrating.

those are emotions that can suck the gratefulness practice

right out of me super quick.

the constant rebuilding of my health plan becomes almost comical.

(but not really)

 i need to be vigilant tonight and tomorrow to take care.

and to lay low.

but,

this is the way it goes and it will continue to do so

because it would appear my colitis is here to stay.

we are about to pass the 3 year mark and there is still an ongoing

conversation between my body and my self.

i need to learn to roll with this.

weekending...

it looked like this.

matching shirts.

but very different approaches in the garden

making for an interesting Saturday.

this is not a bad thing.

we think differently.

we work differently.

we don't really "get" why the other person does what they do.

but we love each other.

and that is enough.

and the pea trellis did get built so it's all good.

it was also a muddy weekend.

i like mud.

must be the child in me.

couldn't wait to get my boots into that muck and squish around.

fun times.

we are begining to find ourselves here,

around the fire pit on Saturday nights.

feels like a tradition is starting for these cool spring months

and i like it.

we gather ourselves, and others of course,

and we sit and chat, and eat, and use our firesticks to create caves amongst the hot wood.

i beg to roast marshmallows for people, only to be turned down again and again.

it is a simple way to connect with each other.

and fire always attracts the man children.

the weekends are becoming a mix of work and rest.

they feel safe and  restful,

which is a change from a few months ago.

the house doesn't get much done and the food is always simple

but we feel as though we had a break for the routine of the week.

well, owen's routine at least.

i don't really have one these days.

btw...

the birds are continuing to build thier nest in the white birdhouse i told you about

here

i am enthralled by them.

the shoe doesn't always drop.

part of this whole living in the present practice

that i'm working on

involves not bringing baggage along and also

not borrowing trouble.

being here right now and counting the blessings and gifts

allows me to fully engage in daily living.

and by accepting that tomorrow may not look or feel like today

helps me hold today precious.

like a gift.

because it is one.

i have learned during these past eight years with owen

that the shoe doesn't always drop.

there are individuals in my life that are exactly as they appear to be.

kind and dedicated and even tempered.

loving and forgiving and accepting.

and for no reason other than that they love me.

i have stopped waiting to meet the "other side" of people

because not everyone has one and the looking diminishes the experiences that are happening today.

this is also true with my children.

right now, life is calm. peaceful. safe.

and right now, we are spending alot of time together

and this is good.

i love that our living room looks like a creative labratory

where Hannah and I have been spending the past few days

making garden plans, travel plans, art experiences

and sharing endless cups of tea.

i could worry about what is next in her life.

in my life.

i could hold resentments and fears based on our past year together.

i could be guarded and stingy with my time.

i could spend these precious days

waiting for that shoe.

or like with owen,

i can choose to embrace every good moment as just that -

a good moment.

and those good moments add up and become days of good moments

and before you know it when someone asks

"how was your day?"

all that comes to mind is a whole string of twinkly goodness and

days become weeks and then months and years.

or i could stew about the next big crisis

which may or may not come.

and in the process of all that stewing

miss out on the wonderful exchanges that are happening today.

i want to take people at face value.

for who they are, now, as we spend time together.

i want to let go of past stories and i want to be a part of changing  endings.

i want to believe with my whole heart that there is always good if we look hard enough.

that is part of my living in the now, living in the present moment work.

and it is work. no joke about that.

 remaining here is sometimes harder than returning to the past or jumping into the future.

however, here is where i want to be.

grateful for this and that and the reason why!

there is a family of birds living in our white bird house

every morning as i sit at the computer i can see them bringing nest making supplies to the window.

this delights me!

for the past week, i have not gone to be worried.

thinking lots, still not sleeping, ideas swirling, intestines growling at me,

but not worried.

for this, i am most grateful.

worry is so not in line with how i choose to live my days,

but he creeps in and gets me when i am not looking.

there are butter crunch lettuce, leek and onion seedlings on my windowsill and

i am optimistic they are going to grow into beautiful vegetables this summer.

i am in love with gardens and all the hope they hold.

i am so grateful that i discovered the wonder of the garden 12 years ago.

i watched the girls paint and journal and drink tea during their visit together and this

made me very happy. i believe there is great healing in those activites and seeing them

learn this at such a young age makes me feel optimistic for the type of women they are going to become.

i am grateful Hannah has such a good friend in Kate.We all need a friend who knows and loves us at our best and our worst and that is those two.

last Friday the girls and I babysat. Can I just say that one sure way to fill my life with joy is to spend it in the company of two year olds. I love that they freely live with their emotions and there is nothing quite like a two year old squeeze hug.

how joyful are they!?

so much to be grateful for.

so much.

be blessed today.