that's the way it goes some days..

one of the challenges with a condition such as

colitis

is the unpredictability.

i was hit a few hours ago with such a flare up

that felt like it came out of nowhere and it has left me

vulnerable and sore

 sipping tea, watching tv and waiting for

my Owen to come home so we can nurse our chronic conditions together

(his eyes are giving him grief these days)

this morning i was feeling fine.

doing my thing. making plans for the afternoon.

 when a flare up comes out of nowhere,

even when i have been eating carefully and doing what i think i should be doing,

it throws me.

there's a betrayal that comes each and every time

between my body and i

and i know that once this passes and i am feeling more like myself,

hopefully tomorrow

i will need to begin again the process of loving my body

and making the right choices,

even where there appears to be no reward.

not gonna lie,

this gets wearysome. and old. and frustrating.

those are emotions that can suck the gratefulness practice

right out of me super quick.

the constant rebuilding of my health plan becomes almost comical.

(but not really)

 i need to be vigilant tonight and tomorrow to take care.

and to lay low.

but,

this is the way it goes and it will continue to do so

because it would appear my colitis is here to stay.

we are about to pass the 3 year mark and there is still an ongoing

conversation between my body and my self.

i need to learn to roll with this.